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WHAT ARE WE DOING IN THE MEANTIME?
There's the old saying: Get busy living or get busy dying."
With no children or job and ill to the point where my morbid orbesity, tremors, unabIe to swallow safely and passing out onto the floor, and reduced to a cane or walker with no help in sight, i'm in the unfortunate "get busy dying."
Last night I once again, found myself having a seizure and immobile. WHen it passed I managed to crawl back into my bed.
It dawned on me that every day since Annette's death I do nothing except sit on the edge of my bed, pass out or cry or sit outside on a bench waiting. It dawned on me there's nothing. Nothing but wait for my life to come to a final end.
Last night I thought it was it. I laid in bed and my eyes rolled back, my heart skipped and I went out like a light. It was terrifying as I was awake and hoped that I would pass quietly in my sleep.
As I said, this is happening with increased frequency and severity. I read on how the death of a loved one affects within a year the survivor's health. I never thought like everyone here we'd be in the same club seeking solace an support.
So what am I doing? Busy living or dying? I found the choice was made for me. I only wish I wasn't alone in the dark. I've prayed to God and asked Annette to make my last moments in my prison solitude as painless as possible.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on
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Richard, I have read everyone of your messages, and although I feel the same as you as not wanting to live a day without my partner best friend and soulmate of the last 36 years, I find myself really worrying about you. I'm in the uk, so know nothing about where you are but surely there must someone who can help you. No one should have to suffer, worrying about losing there house and being so ill, do you not have a doctor who can get you help or a social worker, your probably reading this thinking, ffs, obviously not! I'm sorry I to much help but I know the pain I am going through after losing Shirl, but I do,have my health and my heart goes out to you, you sound a kind ma. And Annette sounds like a lovely lady. Please call 999 or whatever emergency number you use and get help x
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Permalink Reply by joanne on
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I live in the u.k too Jackie, and reading Richards posts I am thankful for that, I find it absolutely disgusting that he his allowed to suffer like this, here in the u.k if we were to keep blacking out and having seizures like Richard we would be admitted to hospital and treated until we were better, I don't know how it works in the U.S, but surely he is entitled to some help,he sounds in such distress and it's upsetting to read. Richard can you not go the hospital, I know you say you what your life to end and I get why you feel like that but you cannot carry on like this, please find a way to get yourself some help.x take care x
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Well that's more positive, as I say being in uk I don't understand everything, but sometimes richard sounds like his not going to see morning. I know how it feels not to wAnt to see another day, but I am not in physical pain. I to have got to face selling met cottage as can't afford to stay which is killing me, but least I know hopefully I can buy somewhere cheaper and have a bit of money left over to live on. X
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Permalink Reply by Nora on
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I think, Richard, feels that way. He just lost the taste of life. When you don't taste life you don't care about whiskey, food stamps, cell phones etc. Probably he gets help but he is so empty inside - he just cannot see it.
"Get busy living or get busy dying" is actually from one of my favorite movies Shawshank Redemption - has nothing to do with Bob Dylan. Not sure if its some old saying or just a line from the movie script - I used it as my email signature couple yrs ago.
Richard, I know how you feel, I know it hurts, just write here anything - if it makes you feeling better - write it here. Very sorry for your loss - I mean it! Don't get dying, get
Don't get dying, get living.
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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on
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It's not fair. I'm so terrified right now. I mean it. I'm scared of being alone. I'm sobbing like a child right now as I write this.
I can't be alone. I'm so scared. No one wants me. I'm fat an ugly. Every night I have to pray I can get to sleep because the nightmare is never ending. day and night.
Where do I go? WHat do I do? What purpose is there for me?? Exist like this until I die??? Every day the same??? Every day living in terror???
Despite the agony of moving around, I fight to get help these past few weeks only to keep being told I don't qualify for assistance??
I need a thorough blood work done more than the last one but they want me to pay when I can't. I need more work done so I can find out more about my body and get the help I need.
I literally busted me ass traveling to support Annette and me and dieting and these past few years I never once improved so Annette and I knew there was something much more than we knew that something was wrong with both our bodies that went beyond the usual dieting and exercise.
I'm going to go out of my mind soon. The loneliness, the madness, the isolation is driving a dagger inside my mind and heart.
Oh dear God, I'm only asking for someone to keep me company and ease my profound loneliness...when will I see a day when my misery is eased and finally gone??
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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If you go to the ER, they HAVE to treat you. Deal with not paying later, if necessary. Let them treat you, and then afterwards tell them you need to be on charity care (so that you don't have to pay).
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Blue:
I was already told I didn't qualify for Charity Care because I make too much money on my current unemployment.
My issue right now is my profound isolation. My loneliness, my terror of being by myself with no one there to laugh, hold, hug is taking its toll.
I've been dieting again taking raw veggies and fruits only with water or plain seltzer.
there's no magic pill to take the grief and guilt away.
I suppose it's possible that people can die of loneliness and Guilt.
I have read so many people here suffering. I only wish there was a place where we could all meet in person every so often. Support is nowhere in my area. I've begged every resource if there are places local where I could meet those like myself.
I hate to think I'm going to fall through the cracks again. -
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You may need to talk with someone higher up in the billing department of the hospital. But if they truly won't do charity care, then just go to the hospital, get the care you need, and then tell them you will pay them $5 a month or something because that is literally all you have.
It's good that you are dieting, but you cannot only eat raw fruits and veggies, your body also needs protein, as well as some carbs, regardless of your weight problem. It can't function otherwise. My guess is that lack of protein may be part of the reason why you keep passing out.
I do think it's a good idea for you to call your brother; the isolation and loneliness can definitely be killers. Let him help you.
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Richard, you have a breakdown. Immediately call 911. Do you have any church nearby? If you keep living like this you will die soon - is that you want?
You cannot stay alone. Do you have anybody - anybody at all around?
Read bluebird advise.
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Nora:
I'm going to contact my brother now. He works his ass off but he does love me. He just lives far away.
i'm going to the hospital in the morning and see about setting up an appointment to have my blood work done once more only this time i'm going to make sure I see a patient advocate. something I should've done originally to get help. thanks to everyone for giving me the suggestions . I have no intention of dying despite my poor health. I know I need help but it's amazing how much runaround the system can give a human being. -
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You keep us updated, dear man. Do you want me to call you when you feel bad? I am in the same boat, I cannot help with money but at least I can listen. I don't want to be annoying but if you say yes I will send you my phone number so you can call. I live alone in Dallas so you are 1hr ahead of me.
We are in the 21st Century and in the United States for God's sake...
You cannot just suffer here typing your posts. I am very happy to hear you don't want to die. Something is always here to help - you just calm your mind, ease your heart and listen.
You simply need a hug and somebody to listen and hear you. Well, I cannot give you a hug but I can listen.
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Nora:
Yes, I just sent you my name via the message... thank you so much!
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