To all,

I don't know if this is at all helpful but last week I wrote the following and sent it out to the people in my family and a few friends on the three year anniversary of my husbands death.

Whether it is even the whole truth of where I am I am not sure as we all know our state of mind can be so conflicted.  But since I haven't had much energy to write here lately I thought I could try to contribute with this………

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"""I sit here today reflecting…….my brain in overdrive thinking, thinking about loss.

How devastatingly incomprehensible is loss.  For to have loss we must have had attachment.  But then isn’t that what we are supposed to do?  Have attachment?

We have it for every good and bad thing in our life.  We attach, each of us choose certain things to attach to.  It could be something as important as family and friends or something as inconsequential as jewelry and nice clothes. But we attach or shall I say we ascribe significance to it. 

Think of the possibilities in every day we have the choice of attaching to.  Food.  A means of transportaion. Another person.  Work.  Sport. Even less visceral more surreal positions of mind like justice or equality or religion. But we attach to them.  Even down to the vibration of a note, we attach a lot of signficance sometime to a certain type of music. 

So where am I going with this?   What’s my point?

I think it comes back round to a day three years ago today that I lost everything.  To me, my husband was everything. Never having had children I poured everything I had into one something.  Him.  He was embodied in me.  Our home was nice and comforting but I have since come to undertand that it’s not about location.  It’s only a house until there are people who occupy it with love and then it is a home.  Family, good friends.   We can drive in a fancy car, talk on a smarter-than-us phone and work ourselves to exhaustion but it is only significant when we finally attach to those who love us.  Family, friends.  Those who we love are always at the end point of that line of “getting there” of attachment. 

It’s why loss is so profound.  I can’t know if having had children would have made this three year journey any different.  Less exhausting.   I do know I have felt that no matter what others may have tried to do for me I still felt abandoned.  As though there is nothing in my life that will fill the gap.  A huge void.  I have tried valiantly to fill it.  I lost a 24/7 connection to the one thing I had built my life on.  With as many good choices as I can draw upon now I have limited energy to do so.  I use retail therapy as my bulwark.  I have rehabbed a couple homes and with my guardian angel's help I have provided myself more time to push myself away from loss.  And I have not made all good choices.  I have pushed most people away.  I have practiced self harm in the form of starving myself.  Those are the “not so good choices.”  I have no faith so I have turned to the universe and studied all I can understand about the mechanics of how we have come to be here on this small blue dot.  How our brains seemingly make decisions without any real influence from within at times.  How we live this life out in a schematic of such a large, grand, finely tuned design. 

I’m stll so very confused about how what I thought I had was so temporary.  He’s gone, he made some not so good choices and his body failed him.  I’ve debated more times than I would like to admit doing something that would lead me to the same outcome.  It’s not courage.  It’s not pain.  I’m not sure there is even a reason.  But I still breathe.  And because I breathe I need to make enough money to stay warm, hopefully in a house, and eat when I feel the urge.  I continue to push myself in what society deems as an acceptable, normal manner and it is a daily struggle.  Daily. 

Death is a whole separate level of dealing with life’s adversities and I can only assume we are here to meet the person we were born to be…..our inner selves  Some of us want to meet our inner selves more than others.  I believe we can only do so as much as our brains will allow us to do, and for each of us that is an individual daily struggle.  I’ve met my match shaking hands with death.  It’s been the worst time in my life. Struggling to participate in a universe that I don’t live in anymore but I’ve tried. …. tried to find my inner self.   My success is only seen by me.  I am, my only judge, jury and executioner. 

Life is not the bowl of cherries we expound in our most positive moments.  It is picking our way through the pits, the pitfalls,  and taking a deep breath when you find a cherry.  Cherries change though.  Fuckin cherries don’t all grow the same.  Some can be bitter.  Or rotten.  Or full of bugs.

All of this is just to say that I am sorry.  I am sorry about how life treats us.  What the hell is the universe trying to accomplish throwing us into a stinkin bowl of cherries knowing full well what is in there.  I’m tired, exhausted actually.  I keep swimming aganst the tsunami of stinkin cherries.  I don’t feel much love.  No pill, no pot, no drink, nothing can give me back what I had.  But I still stand.  And, I guess, for as long as I do, I need to do what I can to seek out the least bitter cherry I can manage the energy to eat. 

It’s a fucked up world.  My husband knew it when he was alive and I am assuming he is still trying to keep me from the worst of it even while leaving me alone to have to face it myself.  I’m doing the best I know how and can.  I’m trying not to let it beat me to a pulp.  It hasn’t been easy.  In fact, this has probably been the hardest time in my life that I have had to beat anything back and not succumb.  You find out where the support in your life truly comes from, within and without.

Take a look at your life.  What is important.  Really important.  (a loaded word).  The brain is full of tricks and subterfuge.  Dig.  Dig deep.  Clear the clutter.  Stop the pretension.  I have found the smallest teeniest light to help me in building the rainbow that my husband left me with.  I haven’t given in yet.  But if you are reading this and not getting some kind of revelation then his death for me is in vain.  Do it for yourselves.  That’s all I ask.  Spend more time with the important stuff and less with the crap.  

So today I grieve heavily.  Of course tomorrow I may very well grieve just the same, as my personal burden of loss seems overwhelmingly heavy.  But I wish upon the very same stars from which we came that somehow, some way each of us channels more of the energy of light not of darkness.  Me too.  I know that as much as what I perceive my own value to be nothing without Greg, I am still a light that appears in the sky.  The most I can say is I keep trying to shine as brightly as I can.  For that I deserve credit and I will take it for what it is worth as it is only upon myself for which I build the rainbow.""""

Morgan