Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 8, 2017 at 5:03pm

Matthew:

I'm in the same state as you. Alone, inside a silent apartment. I'm unemployed, lost my wife and we had no children. I lost her this past December and I'm in living hell 24/7.

I am in ill health and was turned down for SS disability. Once the money runs out, i'll be a homeless widower with with morbid obesity and chronic lymphatic edema. I can only walk a few feet before massive and fatigue hit me and I have no one to help me.

I suffer from blackouts and find myself either on the floor, or in another room in the apartment. Every day and night the silence leaves me in a depressive mental state.

I could go on but you get the idea. We each suffer. Some of us are lucky to have kids, family, siblings, money etc... that keeps us anchored to this world. For others such as myself, there's nothing. 

But you're not alone. If you can find a reason to get help, mental, physical or otherwise then get it and make it stick. Find a reason and fight like hell to rid yourself of guilt and the would'a, should-a, could-a that eats away the human soul. 

I saw my medical records and its grim. However, I am a firm believer of the afterlife and I know my wife Annette will come for me soon. I'm thankful, since my pain, my engorged stomach and groin has left me where I have only a single pair of sweatpants to wear and I can't afford to go out or buy something that will fit a poor guy as myself.

I wait with blissful patience that my declining health is fast approaching each day. Some days I have to crawl to just get to the bathroom despite the fact it's only a few feet away from my bed.

But i'm still here. Hoping and praying my rightful moment to be with my love draws closer. And that's cool as far as I'm concerned.

But if you're physically in good health, then find a path because you're likely to be around until old age or disease takes you. In the meantime, find a reason as I said to be around and make it stick.

If you have healthcare (i don't) then use it. Get into a group with others (online is fine but face to face helps too), get medication to get you through your day. Pursue a new purpose for yourself and to hell what others may think.

  

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 8, 2017 at 7:39pm

Richard,

Most people get denied for SS/disability the first time they apply. You will probably have to appeal two or three times in order to maybe get it.

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Jordan on April 11, 2017 at 8:39pm

My hunny received a letter while we were waiting for the hearing (3rd step) that said, you are denied because you are dead.....imagine receiving THAT letter.

Permalink Reply by Matthew Dirig on April 8, 2017 at 11:13pm

Richard:

I'm sorry to hear about your wife.

I am also unemployed and have to do something about that.

I have money in savings but who knows how long it will last. I do have disability but I could never survive on what I am given. It is likely that, if you were to get a lawyer who specializes in disability cases, that you would more probably be successful at getting it. Sometimes they have to have the facts laid out for them by someone who will play hardball with them.

Thank you for your encouragement. This past week and a half has been miserable for me. My wife was so sick at the end. The cancer had spread to her lungs and the worst part of watching her slip away over that period of time was that she would have these breathing attacks. I thought that remembering the period of time that she slipped away would be the most difficult but then the day of death was even worse and I did not expect it to be.

Sometimes I think that if only I could go and be with her in the afterlife I would be happier and cared for again. People tell me she is still with me, but I rarely feel that. All I know is our wonderful love seems gone for ever and as far as the worldly part of it it is gone. My wife gave me instructions of what to do and that was to go on and make a good life without her. How can I do that without her has been my belief all year. I resented her saying that, but she was so wonderful that she always had my better interests in mind and guided me when I needed it.

Things got worse when I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease, which has symptoms of vertigo, nausea, vomiting and unsteadiness that are episodic in nature. As if I had not been given enough to bear.

Anyway, things seem better this evening now that the worst is over, although the memory of the day of her funeral may be miserable also.

I also have not had health care for a year and won't until July and the health crisis cost me thousands of dollars.

Your situation as you describe it fills me full of compassion. And yet you are able to be helpful to me. I appreciate this. I am told there is always hope and that that is the nature of life.

Unfortunately that doesn't always hold up in every day of my life. Hopelessness occurs sometimes.

I may have lost my beloved that I had for 32 years in my life, and my health is not the best between depression and the vertigo thing, but I have to have some faith in the regenerative qualities of life or I would end it. Perhaps that idea would be of some help to you, maybe not, but I hope it is.

The local Hospice has groups. I went to one and it was a horrible experience. I was so uncomfortable expressing my feelings in that setting. It made the holidays worse for me rather than better.

My wife had many possessions. I have started going through them and mostly giving them away as I can bear it. It is emotional for me to do it.  

What I know is that this is injustice. She was only 51 and I was only 50. It was not supposed to be this way. We had plans to do many things in the future. One of those plans was to live until old age together. The loss of a future with her is the hardest thing to bear. I resent it. The lack of any of the excitement of everyday life with her is the other. The silence and emptiness really get to me also.

Thank you for listening.....

 

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 9, 2017 at 3:30pm

Anne

I decided to get a printout of my entire medical record history. It shows abnormal EKGs. it shows well above high blood-pressure. it shows more detailed information about my obesity. I didn't bother reading them untill recently (depression made me not care).

Something is going wrong here but it's quite frankly making me angry. I'm taking all this paperwork back to the hospital. I'm going to have a sit down with the rep this week because I need more clarification what is happening to my body .

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 9, 2017 at 3:46pm

Dear Matthew:

Reading your experience was like looking into a mirror. my wife was 54 and I am 52 we were married 12 years. Together 14.

I am very hopeful that you will get through your suffering as we try to get through our own as well.

Life has become on real for those of us who lose the ones we love an alternate reality I am still in disbelief that I am alone .

The real harm for me is knowing that Annette is not around to say "I love you Richie." And I am unable to tell her in person that "I love you annette."

I Keep asking myself who will love me in this life? how long will I have to wait before I can hear those words spoken again?

That is what we are all going through in one doing .

You have my prayers I know my hopes up whatever it is you wish will be given to you .

Permalink Reply by Matthew Dirig on April 10, 2017 at 12:17pm

Richard,

Thank you for your prayers and your well-wishes.

What I miss most about having Sharon, is not having someone to love, to take care of, to do nice things for, and to grow old with.. I could live another 30 years without having that. I can't imagine in a positive light being with any other person than Sharon.

What I resent most is not being to carry out our future plans together and having to make plans for myself and move forward. I make steps towards it, but I do not really want a life without her.

If the last two days are any indicator of how the second year is going to be, it is not going to be a better year, it will be much worse.

I will pray for you also. I do not know why God takes people away from us, and many times it happens at the worst time. I guess I am destined to pine away for Sharon and what might have been for the next thirty years.

All my best to you....

Permalink Reply by morgan on April 10, 2017 at 1:18pm

Yes, another thirty years without our beloveds??  I can't imagine because if I imagine it enough I will go throw myself in front of a truck.  I have stumbled, scraped, crawled and most of all endured this grief.  I cannot accept another beloved.  It will never happen for me of that I am sure.  It was too sacred a space that I shared.  Just remembering that makes me want to weep and many times does send me into a breakdown.  I have gotten used to them now.  

All I know now is I don't think my own heart will last that long having had the stress of this grief over the period of years.  I have and still do what I can to be unhealthy but I can also only do so much of that.  More salt, more butter, more chocolate, no more yoga and sleep. well sleep is ridiculously hard to nail down.  But any kind of pills, soda pop and processed food make me sick and I cant heap that on myself.  

Lately I have felt my heart give some additional thumps and skips and my joints and nerves are taking a beating.  Of course all I can hope for is that something gives.  In the meantime I do.  That's it.  I do.  Whatever I manage.  And much of the time it isn't much......

What a totally different person I am......all I want is him back in my arms.......is that so much to ask?

Permalink Reply by Matthew Dirig on April 10, 2017 at 1:43pm

Unfortunately, and yet sometimes fortunately, my wife and I discussed what I would do if something happened to her when she got cancer at the beginning. She insisted I must go on and make a good life for myself. Sometimes I resent her for setting that expectation. I can't always conceive a good life without her in it. Sometimes it gives me hope the idea of it anyway. I'm about to be 52. With the longevity in my family I really conceivably could live another thirty years without her. It is not my choice, certainly, but it is a possibility. The thing that gets to me the most is the loneliness.I built my life entirely around her and failed to make many other relationships with anyone else. Now I am very much alone. I have a friend but she is not local. My family are not helpful and supportive. I just see myself as pathetic. The grief is a looming mountain. I'm already tired of it but it is still there. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but I admit I do at times.

I don't think it is too much to ask myself, but something in the Universe or God himself if he is there or involved say no every day. It seems that no one cares about how much people suffer when grief is going on. I suffer when I eat sugar. I have been eating a lot of it ever since she died. I had gotten so I did not eat it before she died. I know it is self-destructive to do so with diabetes running in my family, but I just want it because it is so soothing.

I'd give anything to have her back.

Permalink Reply by Susan K on April 10, 2017 at 6:11pm

Hi Matthew, I think that having that conversion with your wife when she became ill was a good thing, at least you know how she felt and what she wanted for you. My husband died from cancer two months ago today and we too had those conversations when he was diagnosed and I am happy that we did, I know he doesn't want me grieve the rest of my life, he wanted me to continue my life. I am not saying that I have begun to move on but I know that's what he wanted for me. It is hard to get to sleep at night, its hard to get out of bed, its hard to do the mundane things around the house its even hard to walk my dog...but I do it I go through the motions and pray that it will get easier that finding his sock in the laundry room doesn't make me have a full blown ugly cry! you are right about it not being your fault, its not.. its just that you and all of us were the ones left behind to deal with the pain and loneliness....and you are not pathetic....you are grieving, don't be so hard on yourself let yourself grieve. I know it sounds silly but feel sorry for your self ! Throw yourself a pity party but just don't stay there....people around us go on with their lives and we need to find our peace. I know that what I say doesn't change anything but when I read how hopeless some of us survivors feel, it breaks my heart...I am in the same situation as you no children, no family nearby, another possible thirty years to live and question God everyday but I have to go on, I fight for my peace ....I pray for your peace.

Permalink Reply by Matthew Dirig on April 11, 2017 at 12:09pm

This is very helpful, thank you. Hope others read it too.

I talk to God about my anger at him. Someone said God does not take

someone he receives them. It probably sounds strange that I "talk" to God, but I do. If he is there it might help, I figure, if not, I at least express some of the emotion..I hate the meltdowns a lot but they happen. Ugly cry is a good way to describe it. I have to admit I feel better after I have cried. I never cried, for much of my life, so it is a weird. Someone said it gets easier, but that we will always grieve. That's too depressing a thought.

Sometimes I am happy my wife said to go on and make a good life. It can motivate me at times. Sometimes it feels like a burden. Thank you for saying it's a good thing. When she found out that she had a short time to live, she told me she was sorry because she knew I did not want to be alone. It bothered me that she seemed to only be thinking of me at a time like that. Now I think it is so sweet and caring of her to have said that.

I will pray for you and your peace as well......

Permalink Reply by Eva Van on April 11, 2017 at 7:24pm

I understand the need to talk to God as you do...If he is a loving parent then he can handle my pouting...

It has been 6 years for me since I lost my husband...The meltdowns were everyday for the first 6 months...and my grief was immense. Though there are those who find comfort from their family, they too weary of your grief and find it hard to understand...It took me almost three years to get out of feeling devastated...and just when I thought I was beginning to cope and stabilize...I lost my daughter 2 weeks shy of the 3rd anniversary of his loss...Then my grief changed...I became angry with him for not being here to comfort me ... I miss him...Most days I talk to him as if he is beside me...because I can not bear that he is not here...so I guess my mind needs to feel as if he is.

I feel selfish...wanting him here...he passed from cancer and was in terrible pain for many months...and yet I didn't want him to leave me. He too wanted me to carry on and be happy, but I wouldn't talk to him about it...

I wonder as well if we will always grieve... 

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