Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Fran on March 26, 2017 at 7:48pm

I was so angry at God for the first year after my husband died, but I never thought I wouldn't be reunited with him when I die. This is what keeps me going. 

Permalink Reply by Kerri Davis on March 26, 2017 at 8:20pm

I myself do not believe in a god. People have asked me if my husband's death has brought me to religion or god and the answer is no. I know people who were non believers and then lost a loved one and turned to god and others who were believers who turned away from god.  I think you have to do and think what is right for you.  I don't think it is abnormal to have the feelings you have. My sister lost her 3 year old daughter a month after I lost my husband.  She died tragically when her own father ran over her with a tractor.  My sister and her husband are both deeply religious and continue to be.  They believe it is god's will that he took her from them...I just do not feel the same way.  We are both dealing with grief in very different ways.  I truly feel that you have to work through your grief, whether it's 3 days, 3 months, or 3 years, however it works best for you.  Your questioning of your faith may change over time and it may not.  I hope that you may find peace with whatever path you choose.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 26, 2017 at 8:44pm

Like Kerri, I do not believe in a god.  I used to, when I was a child and adolescent, then I was agnostic for many years, but my husband's death (particularly the timing of it) proved to me that either there is no god, or at the very least if there is a god it lacks either the will or the power, or both, to help us. At the very least, if there were a loving god then, assuming there is an afterlife, that god should always allow our dead loved ones to visit us and let us know that they are happy and ok, that they are still themselves, and that we will be reunited.  That should never be in doubt, for anyone.  That it is, for so many, demonstrates to me that there is no loving god. I wish it were otherwise, but in my opinion it is not.

I think that the death of a loved one, particularly when it is untimely as in my husband's case or when a child dies, often makes the loved ones left behind either lose their faith or find faith, so no, I don't think you are alone in your thinking.  And definitely the way you are thinking is normal, for someone who in the midst of this horrific pain.  My husband died 4.5 years ago, and I still feel like hell, and I always will unless/until I am with him again. I don't believe this is any sort of punishment, though.  Assuming, for the sake of argument, that there is a god, in my opinion it has no right to judge me for anything, when it inflicts this kind of pain, and even if it did, I have done nothing in my life so terrible as to deserve this anguish.  I doubt you have, either.

There is no longer any joy or happiness in life for me, either. I hate who I have become, and I want my life to end as soon as possible, which sucks because it will hurt my family, but I am trapped no matter what happens, as I don't want to live and I don't want my family to be hurt. Also I need to live for as long as our cat does, as I love him and he needs me to take care of him.

I know everything I'm writing is pessimistic; I'm sorry if that makes it worse for you, and if it does please disregard my post, as that is not my intent. I just don't have any optimism anymore. One thing I would say that is at least not pessimistic is that it's possible there is an afterlife, regardless of whether or not there's a god. That is, I don't think the existence of a god is a prerequisite for the existence of an afterlife.  So maybe we will be with our soulmates again, regardless.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 27, 2017 at 7:29am

There is no pain like this.  I want to believe I will see my husband again but I so much do not think so.  It's been 15 months today since he left us.  I don't think this grief gets any easier.  If there was a kind and benevolent God, John would not have suffered for five years.  This was a good man, he didn't deserve to suffer. 

I still talk to John.  When I come home from an errand I say, "John, I'm home". 

I went to see "The Shack" hoping it would console me.....it did not.  It did not make a believer out of me.

John's death has changed me too.  Not for the better. 

If I had the courage, I'd be with him.  I can't do it.  I want my husband, I want to be with my husband.  I don't believe there is a God anymore.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on March 30, 2017 at 6:28pm

Hi, Oleta,
My husband has been gone now for 16 months, and it is the roughest journey I could have ever imagined. My son died in 1984 of a congenital heart problem, and I thought that was the worst, but, at least, I still had my husband and my two daughters to console me.
My doctor gave me a book which might help you have faith again; it is called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" written by Rabbi Kushner. It helped me see that God cannot intercede in each life since then he would be controlling the universe and our free will.
I think God is as sorrowful as we are during grief, but he cannot pick and choose will be live and who will die on a daily basis. The universe operates as it does, and God does not and cannot interfere. We can pray and ask for His guidance and comfort, and, for me, it helps. I hope you can regain your hope that you will see your husband again; I could not go on if I did not believe this! Peace be with you. Maxey

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on March 31, 2017 at 11:45am

Maxey,  I love your attitude and I'm going to look into the book you mentioned.  I don't feel that I can deal with much more of this anguish.  I don't know how you have managed to stay sane in view of losing a child and a spouse.  I just wrote that I'm so tired of smiling and putting on a good face to others who have no idea of the grief we suffer.  Next week would have been our anniv.  Maybe once that day passes I will become more at ease.  I hope so.  I am alone and I think that is a huge part of the problem.  Evenings are so bad.  I have friends but they have families..my son says to get another pet.  Nope. The loneliness is overwhelming sometimes.  I'll deal with it.  I'm a big girl!  Thanks Maxey

Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on March 28, 2017 at 8:52pm

I truly hate getting up day after day to this life without my beautiful wife but I know I have a duty to my kids to fulfill. I have absolutely no interest in participating in this new nightmare life. I feel like a zombie who just wants to be left alone. Nobody truly wants to hear about what I'm going through, they try to hurry up and control the conversation. I would never waste my wife's memory on such people anyways. I went to a VA therapist recently and all she does is let me talk a little then she asks me a couple of questions, ups my meds and goes on her computer to do something at which time I stop talking because I feel she's not listening, she doesn't say anything when I stop talking either so I'm thinking that she's not interested. I watched cancer punish the women that I was married to for over 22yrs. I was there at the hospital when she passed and I can't get that moment out of my head. To see her struggle like that was easily the most painful thing I've ever witnessed. I would've traded places with her in a heartbeat if I could. I will never be the same person again.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on April 1, 2017 at 9:46am

Kevin,  Bad day today....black feelings upon awakening.  Miserable life without him.  I am so tired of pretending.  I was with John when he lost his battle.  He was unconscious in the ER.  I didn't scream, I didn't cry....not for a few minutes.  It was not real.  I was so quiet because I didn't want to bother any of the several people who were working on John.  I keep coming back to the question.  "Did John know I was there?  Did he know that our son was there too?"  When he straight-lined, I asked, "is he gone?"  Is that the last thing I heard. I know now that I was in shock. Even tho he was unconscious, I want to believe he knew he was not alone.  I hate Sundays, John died on a Sunday.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on April 1, 2017 at 3:53pm

I feel the same way, that losing my  Husband to cancer is a punishment. I have only kept myself alive for the last four years because I feel if I end my life I will never see him again. Please God, let their be an afterlife and my suffering will be rewarded with seeing him again, 

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on April 2, 2017 at 7:22am

I hate Sundays.  I will for the rest of my life.  It's been sixty six weeks since he has been gone.  I wake up crying,  I wish I had those last days to live over again.  I would never have left his side.  I love you John.

Oleta

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on April 2, 2017 at 10:10am

Hi Oleta,

I hate Sundays too. It was Sunday 5:10AM, May 5 ,2013 when my husband took his last breath. I died with him that day. 

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on April 2, 2017 at 10:07am

HI Anne,

I am so glad their people on this web-site tell us exactly what they are feeling and never being judge us for our thoughts. May 5 will 4 Years for me. All I do is wait for my day to join him. I feel like I am still in a fog and it will never end.

Blessings, Linda 

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