Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shirley on December 28, 2016 at 10:16am

Richard....Want you to know I can relate to you and how you are feeling. A little about me..okay.  I was 31, had four kids,  the youngest was a 15 month old daughter.  My husband, their Dad, passed at the age of 38 with lung cancer.  We found out about the cancer the later part of February and he left us behind the 10 of September, the same year.  I thought my life had ended too, but  knew in my heart that God needed my hubby to come home and that I was  the one left behind.  None of us are prepared for this but yet we cannot question our Father in Heaven either.  HE created each of us for a purpose and when our purpose is completed, He will take us back to be with HIM.  I  believe that all my family, friends and neighbors are  now "Resting High On That Mountain"  in the presence of Jesus Christ and they are  not in pain, misery or uncomfortable in any way.   Our life here on Earth is not over until GOD says it is regardless how much we disagree.  I have prayed for you to find peace, courage, comfort,  strength and love to slowly move forward a tiny bit at a time. Richard I feel you are here for a reason and hope it is explained to you real soon.  You could a help to millions of others, just by talking to them and helping them get through the hurdles that face them daily.  You are good with words and could possible help someone save their own life.....Please think and keep asking our Lord for guidance  and  am going to lift you up to the LORD of all LORDS ...Blessings for you and  HOPE also........Have a good day, please.....

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on December 28, 2016 at 12:42pm

I'm so sorry you had to suffer but also glad you found strength in your faith. I have none. I'm a broken, morbidly obese 52 year old who had knew nothing of love until i met and married my beloved wife. We had no children and all we had was each other. I cry even asd I write this. The pain grows in a blinding intensity that causes me to weaken.

I will soon be losing my apartment with nowhere to go. I am too weak to walk and find it almost impossible to stand as I get shortness of breath. My job is a temp job with no benefits, and a day off is a days lost pay.

I'm scared to take my life and pray that my misery ends soon. My mind is slowly deteriorating. I can barely move and have to go to work. Now my only company is profound silence and the urn that keeps my dear Annette. I speak in silence with no answer. I pray for the end to my suffering but there's no answer. 

I call out to her in the night and no answer. This is more suffering than I can bare. I am a weak, lonely, frail of a man. My wife was the life and I was hers. The madness of solitude is finishing me off. I hope sooner than later. I just want the intense agony to stop and it won't. No one should, widow or widower suffer such pain.

Permalink Reply by morgan on December 28, 2016 at 1:43pm

Richard,

I have no idea how you are managing.  To have lost your love is more than any of us need to try and deal with but to add to that you are losing your apt and you have the issue of weight and inability to walk?  I am not sure where the help is for someone in your position.  Granted I know you are not necessarily interested in help as you have made it clear you would prefer to simply expire.  In that respect, I too have pleaded with the universe to let me go.  I had no children, have no faith and was married for 35 years but here I am four years later still writing on this website.  And reading how the lives of so many others are irretrievably altered by the loss of our beloved.  

I have no answers or solutions.  All I can do is wish upon the stars that each of us finds our way through this new surreal universe missing our love and wanting to be with them but wondering at the same time what all this means.  

The only thing I know for sure is that I saved my husband from having to endure this pain that I have carried.  I am glad that of the worst imaginable pain that a disease or an accident which might have taken me I was able to not have him have to suffer what losing him has done.  No one can imagine what this pain is like until it happens.  And then all the other complicating factors.  

In the very early months of losing my husband I had a woman who I only knew coincidentally tell me that her mom had lost her husband.  Thing was she was blind.  And her husband was very much her eyes to the world.  Now he was gone.  She explained to me how she had never been real close to her mother but her fathers death had her reach out and begin a new relationship with her mother.  I only relate this because you mention a sister.  Maybe there is something there with your sister that could be a bridge to how Annette would want you to have help with your pain.

I know that the easiest thing to do is to push people away.  I am so guilty of doing that.  I have had to learn what asking for help is like.  But if you are left here to weather the pain I would ask you to look into your heart and see if there is any room whatsoever to ask for help.  I know how hard that is.  There is no energy for breathing much less attempting to ask for help.  But one little baby step in that direction may relieve some of the pain you are feeling.

I have no answers, only suggestions after having tried myself, to overcome my own frail, unapologetic stabs at what delivering my husband to deaths door did to me.  It has been the most arduous journey in my life.  And I still wish it was over.  But its not.  And the most I can do is try to minimize the pain.  Small tiny steps to minimize the pain.  Dont look out too far.  Make it through the next hour with a vision that Annette is beside you.  We couldn't possibly feel so wracked by the loss if they weren't still with us could we?  We know they are there we just cannot see them.   But we feel them and as we put up roadblocks their energy is unable to get through the veil.  Try to connect.  Ask her to sit with you.  Hopefully her thoughts will help guide you.  May you find a way to deal with the mountain.

Namaste,

Morgan

Permalink Reply by Shirley on December 28, 2016 at 1:28pm

Richard....Thanks for responding to me.... I am still going to keep praying that GOD protects you and leads you out of the depression you are going through now.....Can comprehend the agony you are  living with, but still believe we all have the choice to live as long as GOD allows us to be here on  Earth.......The loneliness is with all of us that have had to say good bye to our loved one.  That includes me too. But I want to see what is in store for me as long as I can... GOD is good and HE still is in control of everything that breathes on the Earth HE  created for us.......Please   do your best to understand what we still have here......

Permalink Reply by Louise on February 23, 2017 at 11:28pm

Richard, I've read a few of your posts on this site and I have cried everytime; your words strike such a chord with me. I didn't know what to write to you; I should right? Being as I've lost my soulmate and reason for living too. I am so very, very sorry you lost your beloved Annette; you obviously adored each other and lived for each other; like how I feel for my husband; we were the only two people in the world. I feel your pain crying out off the page. I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and I too do not wish to live without my husband. The loneliness is crippling & life is so shitty without him in it. I don't know how we get through this, but I sincerely hope things get better for you as I hope they do for myself and everyone on here who is suffering. I'm so sorry, I will be thinking of you xxx

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 28, 2017 at 1:57pm

Louise:

I appreciate your kind, consoling words. I have every day just as you and everyone here suffer without my loved one. My life as far as I know is over. I'm just waiting for mother nature to do her thing. I'm close as my health which was bad when Annette and I were together is now even worse. It's a miracle I haven't fallen apart. My legs are practically useless. I lay in bed every night with a photo of Annette and I speak to her.

I tell her I love her. I beg her to forgive me for not saving her life. I live with a profound guilt that is swallowing my soul and my mind. Each day I wake upset and crying that I did not die

in my sleep.

I keep seeing the empty spaces that Annette used to fill. Whether it be our bed or sitting outside on our stoop. Even eating with the extra place now empty and staring back at me.

I am so alone and scared. Everywhere I go, or things I do, I'm reminded that I am alone without her. There are people like me who simply can't survive without our loved ones. Some people can move on, remarry, live for their children but when those of us who sit alone in the dark, we know that we will stay there until our dying days.

I no longer cherish life. I sit idly waiting for my eviction. I was turned down for rental assistance because I have unemployment benefits. Which run out in a few months.

I can no longer work. My legs, my mind, my health leaves me with a target on my back. I'm through with fighting. Life can do with me what it wants. I won't fight back anymore. When my time comes I will welcome my end with open arms. I'm tired. So tired. I sit up almost the entire night, every night in silence and darkness wondering where Annette has gone to. I almost expect to see her  walk through the door and end my nightmares.

I expect her to hold my hand and smile. I expect her to finally say "Hey booboo boy, time to come home." And you know what? I'm going to wrap my arms around her, tell her I love her and im never going to let her go, ever again.

Now that's a great life. That's a life that I am convinced waits for each of us.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on December 29, 2016 at 7:26am

I';m so tired and getting weaker. I cant think of a single reason whats keeping me here. No children, family, eviction, my own morbid obesity and excess physical and psychological pain. I missed a day of work (no pay) and I try and try and the answer keeps coming up the same. No reason whatsoever to stay in this world. I sit here, nothing to do except exist. My God, if this is what hell is,  if there is such a place must be like. My beloved, come for me. Let me sleep, open my eyes and find you there with your hand held out. Tell me"It's time" and let us go together. Be with each other, caress each other again, and take the long walks we used to take when we were healthy enough to do.

Sit under a tree, listen to the summer breeze rustle the leaves and branches. Look out at the sea and watch the boats sail by. hen watch the sun set and give off the red glow you so loved.

Please make this pain nothing but a brief memory. Don't leave me alone in the dark my love.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on December 30, 2016 at 3:21pm

My love, I keep writing and hoping you come for me. Please, the silence and lonliness is too much to bear. I want to lay down and find you there where we can be together.

The pain is blinding me. I can't move on. There is nothing for me here excpet to exist in limbo as I wait for my time.

Dear Lord, take this burden from me. Let me be at peace with my wife. Please do not leave me here along in my suffering. There is no one, no friends, family, no children, my ill health, my eviction. Please come for me and bring me to my love who was my life. for I am the rare individual who has nothing herer to keep achorned to this world. Please listen to my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on January 6, 2017 at 8:32am

I went to a medium who "communicated" with my wife. He's well known and told me my wife was with me. My heart collapsed and I am dying and can't continue with this life. It's killing me. I'm alone, no kids, no family, a job where I will make $195 for the week. The eventual evictionfrom our apartment. There's nothing keeping here. I thought hard and long and realize there's nothing, and I mean nothing exdcept "to exist". Each day?? The same?? The madness is terrifying me. I can't imagine being alone on the street for years like this.

If you have family, children to lean on or cause you to stay in this life because you have a responsibility to live for them then God bless you and be grateful. You have a reason.

For those like me, the hell on this world is everlasting. And seperation and reuniting with my wife is my only hope. My even as I right this, I can barely focus my eyes and as I grow weaker and weaker. My heart gets weaker as well. My wife and I just wanted to be happy. We each lived miserable livesd before we met each other. We gave each other some happiness. Poor but happy with each other.

We just wanted a break. Nothing great, just some time together than the 12 years we spent together. Just a little bit of happiness. ANd I can't live on without my little piece of happiness with me in the same room.

Annette, my love, I wil be with you. We will be together as my heart grows even more weaker each passing day and my obesity takes me as it took you.

Permalink Reply by morgan on January 6, 2017 at 6:19pm

Richard,  My heart breaks to hear of your pain.  There is nothing I can do but write and let you know I understand how you feel.  Our feelings overwhelm what used to be our safe place of love.  

I wish I had the means to give you a place to live and a way to reduce your physical strain but I don't.  I can only hope that the thread that you know that connects you with Annette gives you small glimmers of personal resilience because she is definitely worrying about how you are going to manage to make it without some means of better financial support much less the ongoing emotional trauma.

If there is anything you can look to as your final act of love for Annette it was to allow her to die first because you know she would have been even more devastated than you at this outcome.  It is about the one and only thing I fall back on when I am in the worst of my pain.  

Please stick with us here.  I believe this is one way to exhaust some of the pain we have.  It certainly has helped me to write and write and write.  Mostly when I have been in the darkest corners but at times, like now, hoping I can shed a little bit of stardust on your path.  At least the little I can spare.  

Grief is damaging.  It is of major consequence in the lives of those left behind.  The most we can do is to continue to try.  As hard as I know it is, please keep trying.  That's all each of us can expect of ourselves.  The rest is in the stars.  

Take care the best you can.

morgan 

Permalink Reply by Shirley on January 6, 2017 at 6:44pm

.....Richard.   I read your post and want you to know there is hope for you if you only ask for it.......There is a program on face book that is called Widows Hope,, Google this web site and join up with them.  There are men and women in this group and they will listen, post, pray, and talk to you.  We all have gone through the pain of losing the one we loved so much and it is great pain, but everything there is also there for each of us to talk  with.......GOD is the one that makes our PLAN for us and HE is the one who brings it to us when HE says it is the right time.   Prayers for you and  Blessings sent to you by our FATHER in HEAVEN..........

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 7, 2017 at 10:08am

Richard
Perhaps you could start A GoFund Me campaign to raise rent money. Im not sure how to do it but ill bet a lot of us would donate.

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