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Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 9, 2017 at 2:17pm

My sister unexpectedly texted me today. she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was going out of my mind. she started going on and on about how I'm to blame for my obesitytjat I should have done something about it. she just went on and on.
I tried to explain to her everything that's happened was the result of just having a poor body. I explAined that we tried everything. specialist doctors so I told my sister. she continues to act as if I lost a pet. she has so much to be grateful for. a husband and a house two sons but she still manages to complain always about something. I just can't handle it anymore. I had to tell her not to contact me anymore. I told her I was grateful for the help she gave and I'll always remember that, never forget .

Today there was a knock at the door and I had to assume the landlord so I didn't answer it . I was just too damn tired earlier .

For some reason I feel calmer. I think it's because I know everything's going to be falling apart. At some point you become so helpless that all you can do is just sit there and let it happen .

Between having no unemployment benefits and not having enough money for food, (I mean, I have gone days without eating so I'm used to it) and for some reason, I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm. it's calm and serene and all I could think about is Annette. I wanted to think about seeing her face. I think understand.

when everything is hopeless, you've lost everything, ( and I do mean everything) and all you have is your solitude, your silence, your grief, that's what you learn. To accept your circumstances and let the chips fall where they may because theres really nothing you can do about it.

I had to admit to myself I am nothing but a burden. I really am an annoyance. I'm glad that I could own up to that.

I'm Looking at Annette's photo as I write this and I keep thinking how much love we had and still have.

That's the real secret isn't it. To lose everything and live off the love you once had.

Let them Evict me
Let them cut off my cell phone
Let my obesity worsen
Let me go to bed hungry
Let my blood pressure go south

No one can ever take away the love i still have for Annette. Or trivialize it as my sister tried to do.

I'm here until the day God or Annette comes for me.

It's a real snowy day so I'm going to go for a nice walk . Annette loved the snow.

We both do.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on February 9, 2017 at 11:31pm

I'm sorry to hear of your sister's communication. Beat a man while he's down and out. The reason I asked of the cell phone bill is my cell plan is $20/month given I just use it for text (unlimited use). If I use it for calls it is $1.99/day which I only use if I absolutely need to. (I have a magicjack which I use for calls.) But maybe that would be an option to give you a cell plan. It's a prepaid plan with Verizon. I feel like I'm giving you a miniature shovel to put out a house fire when you need a fucking tank. I really feel for you Rich and wish I had something better to solve your dire situation.  

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 10, 2017 at 11:35am

I finally shaved off my beard and I also finally took a shower which I had not done for over two weeks.

It's becoming even harder to breathe now as I walk. Every little effort I make feels as if a huge weight has been dumped on me.

I went outside and sat down on the bench just looked at the city and the boats sailing by.

I spoke to Annette while I sat there. people would give me strange looks. If they only knew right ?

I keep talking to Annette every single day and night as if she was still here with me.

Were sister didn't understand that no one and I mean no one wanted me or Annette . We were so lucky to finally find someone who loved is more than we loved ourselves. that's why the pain increase is so profoundly intense blows m that's why the pain increase is so profoundly intense and blinding.

When we both went to the heart specialist he warned me that I should get my heart checked. We didn't we always take doctors suggestions.

I still can't believe she's gone my denial is profound I'm just so overwhelmed with pain and grief and loneliness knowing that I will never remarry and then I intend to spend the remaining years of my life by myself . No one ever loved each other the way Annette and I did . As I said when no one wanted us, we found each other.

That's what my family can't seem to get their head around .
Anyway I'm going to go rest now it's around 1230 and I'm just going to rest in bed I've had a long long day and I know that there's going to be longer ..

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 10, 2017 at 3:47pm

It's 430 in the afternoon and I'm alone again I've decided to go to sleep early.I keep seeing the photo of Annette and all I can think over and over and over is I could have saved her. I could've done something. If I had just gotten to Her sooner. I'm going to pay for this the rest of my life. all the days ahead of me that's all I'll be thinking about every single day.

Ever since I can remember when I was a child my family and myself we always had problems, tragedies -- something wrong, something always went wrong and it followed me to adulthood. when I met Annette, I thought those days will be over -- but she had gone through the same life as I had. We did struggle to survive a hard life, but I can tell you what a wonderful time we had. We knew every day would not be perfect but we would love each other and stick it out. together we had good days and bad days but. Now every day is a wait-and-see what bad news comes my way. Landlord knocking on the door police coming to take me away from the apartment or to sleeping on a bench when the shelters are full. that's all I think about. Well, not necessarily. Maybe Annette will show up and tell me I've suffered enough. She'll smile, she'll say "let's go." I made a promise to myself that once we"re reunited, I am never going to let her go. I'm going to hold on tight with both hands.

Now I'm going to bed early. I'm exhausted, physically, and spiritually.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 11, 2017 at 2:27pm

My brother stopped by today and dropped off food for me. we had a long talk. he said he can't keep coming over. I don't blame him after all he went through a liver transplant and even though it's been 2 years since he had it, he is still recovering. On top of that he of course he has to work.

The hardest part about losing the a wife and I'm sure most will agree is the disbelief that the ones we love are not around. we just can't believe it.

I have Annette's cell phone and I play back her greeting over and over and it was so odd to listen to it and hear it -- I just broke down and cried.

This is the week that I find out if I have a chance now for unemployment benefits. if I don't get it, well I suppose the shelter in my area might have space if I'm lucky.

I'm tired and worn out. Theres nothing left to look forward to. That's ithe hardest part. having nowhere to go. nothing to do. No money. All there is to do is sit down and wait for the sun to set over again every day.

Even now as I write this you could hear a pin drop its that quiet. So, I continue to look at Annettes photo and talk to her and ask her to talk back to me. It's all I have left literally .

I am barely walking but I keep trying and I have an interview with Social Security disability in the middle of the month. who knows, I might get a break .

I'm going to go outside, sit down and watch the sun set. Then I'm going to go to bed early again. that pretty much sums up the rest of mylife. It goes to show you when you lose someone youre deeply in love with how empty life is.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 12, 2017 at 9:37am

It dawned on me once I'm evicted, i'll have nowhere to go. I won't be able to Find a shelter because i can barely walk.

Something else. Annette used to always sing to me when I couldn't sleep. she would make up the songs and lyrics right on the spot. Sometimes it was silly and sometimes it was inspired.. where will I find another woman like this? I have no intention of remarrying. but I thought I would mention it because that just shows you how special she was to me and how much I loved her.

once I'm on the street I have nowhere to go and I know she'll be watching. I just hope she keeps me warm in the cold night.

I'm laying in bed right now looking around the apartment. I see some of the things Annette left behind and once again the silence is overwhelming. I truly am alone. Bless my brothers and sister. But they can't help anymore.

No, i'm on my own now. there's nothing left but to grow old or contract some deadly disease.

But I suspect that between the silence and being on the street and not eating will take its toll but that's OK too. I'm very tired and all I want is to be with my Annette.

My life was taken away. I keep repeating that in my head "my life was taken away" I wonder how long the misery will last, when the pain will go away. I keep begging God to take away the pain and Grief.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 13, 2017 at 11:38am

I just got the call from the unemployment office and I'm not eligible to collect.

So my eviction is coming up. In a way I'm glad it's over. I can't stop thinking Annette and we're going to make a go of it. With the job going from temp to permanent and her studying medical coding we were going to get doctors and get our health better.

Sadly, the complete opposite happens.

Annette died

My grief caused me to miss work and I was fired.

What money we had was used to pay for her cremation. Leaving me penniless.

Also the eviction is now at full steam. Vacating the apartment is expected this month

My brothers and sister can't take me in.

I can barely walk and my morbid obesity has left me wheezing and in pain.

The homeless shelters I contacted don't so far prioritize help for women and children, the elderly and the disabled. Single males are at the very last and space is limited. First come first serve.

I've lost everything. Even as I write this its once again silent.

I wonder where I'm going to go. What will become of me?

There's no one who can help.

I've exhausted every social service, church, city hall...

I beg Annette to please help me.

I beg and beg but there's no answer.

I've fallen to my knees and have asked her to rescue me but still no answer.

My hope"s all gone. There's no place to go. I just sit and wait. For what., I don't know.

The cell phone will cut off Monday so I've been told.

I have one can of soup which I sip once every few hours since it's all That's left.

I'm going to wait. Wait for the eviction. I won't take anything from the apartment except Annettes ashes, and the clothes on my back.

I'm so very tired. My despair's from Annettes death has left me a broken down wreckage.

I'm going to watch the sunset. Maybe then Annette will sit with me. Maybe she'll tell me how much she loves me and that she'll protect me.

I love her so much.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 14, 2017 at 11:03am

Woke up again screaming in the middle of the night Annette's name. it's getting worse now. I'm never going to remarry. I know I'll be spending the rest my life alone.

I find myself passing out from physical and emotional Exhaustion.

I'm going to be homeless by the end of the month that's for sure and I've been thinking we were going to wind up where I will be .

I didn't want to give it too much thought because it's depressing enough as it is.

I keep seeing Annette's face. swollen with edema. I should've called 911 that very second.

I believe God is punishing me.
If I could trade places with my wife I would do it in a second.

I have nowhere to go no one to be with. I miss her because I also remember her telling me every day she loved me.

I'm not living. Im suffering and it grows and grows. I can't concentrate can't even think straight . I'm only existing, waiting to see what next tragedy other than eviction the loss of Annette is coming toward me . If This is the way my life and my future has turned out then I'm not going to fight.

I still cannot get my head wrapped around what has happened to my life. I have lost everything. I keep repeating that in my head: "I have lost everything".

It's torture just to exist and have no purpose. To be penniless, homeless, widowed, and in poor health. That's my new life. The nightmare has only started. I wonder how much more pain and grief are yet to be unleashed on this wretched life I now live.

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on February 14, 2017 at 10:12pm

Richard, I am putting you on my prayer list.   God  still works miracles today.   I don't know if you are in california, but I do know that (in calufornia)  , they are not allowed to refuse to provide medical care (at emergency rooms).   Call 911 if you cannot get to emergency....dehydration and starvation are emergencies!!!

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on February 14, 2017 at 9:47pm

Richard,

   I am sorry for your recent loss.      My husband also refused to go to the hospital until i called 911.   ...don't  be hard on yourself.   I have been reading about your situation....very devastating.    

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 14, 2017 at 11:24pm

T

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on February 14, 2017 at 11:26pm

Thanks for your prayers they really appreciated.I believe in prayers. I believe they work. I managed to secure a job interview and I managed to buy food with money I saved for transportation so I'm all right for now and the tenants in the building set the flowers today for myself for Annette .

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