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Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on December 28, 2010 at 2:46am

Tammy,

 

I have lost my life partner Desere' on the 13th of November 2010 in a bike accident, and I am absolutely broken by this and find it extremely difficult to go on without her.  But for the sake of our children I have to.  Every day is a battle and I miss her so much.

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on December 31, 2010 at 9:12pm

Dear Michelle,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of Desere'.  Jackie died November 12, 2009, so it's already been 13 months for me, but I vividly recall what it was like during those first few months. Michelle, everyone will have so much advice to give you...including me. My advice is do what you want to do...what feels right for you in the moment. You suffered a trauma and it takes a long time to heal. While you may have many supportive and loving family and friends, we truly walk this journey alone. Everyone is supportive on this website, but we accept that what works for one person may not work for someone else. I'm glad that your children keep you going, but there will be days when you may need to ask someone to care for them, while you get in bed and block out the world for a minute. Sleep was often my only relief from the pain, that is, when I could get to sleep. I had many sleepless nights. I missed Jackie most at night. 

 

I don't know if you have a spiritual base, but if you do, I have found that to be the most helpful. I believe in a higher power, who I call GOD and I read that "You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have." I hope I am not offending you, but the only thing that kept me from killing myself is my belief that I will be reunited with my Jack and my Mom one day. Spirituality doesn't mean "religious" and I believe that Desere' is always with you in spirit. I am hear if you ever need to talk. I am truly, truly sorry for your loss.

 

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 2, 2011 at 5:13am

Tammy thank you for yor kind words, yes I do believe in God, and I also believe that Desere' went before me, it does however not make it any easier.  She was my soulmate, my best friend and lover - losing three with one go!  Which I know you know all about. Every day feels like hell to me, & weeks ago my life as I knew it was shattered and every piece of sharp glass is rubbing into my heart and mind.  I so long for her.

 

Thank you once again for your kind words, and I am also sorry about your Jackie

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 2, 2011 at 9:13am

Dear Michelle,

I know your belief in GOD doesn't make losing Desere' any easier. It took me 13 months to get here and to not want to kill myself. I had to rely on my faith to get me to remember that I will be reunited with the Love of My Life again one day. However, I remember the day of Jackie's death (I will never forget it).  She died suddenly and my heart too was shattered. A part of me died the day that Jackie died and I will never love another as I loved Jackie. I know how much you miss everything about Desere...her smile, her touch, her laugh, your daily conversations, your routines, sleeping together, etc, etc... EVERYTHING! I know the list could go on forever. You even miss what you thought were "bad" things or annoyances, which you would take back in a second. Jackie was a big burly Butch, who was not quiet and could be messy. I would give anything to hear her screaming for me through the house or spilling a trail of coffee from our kitchen to her office. I'd give anything to just have a disagreement and then "make up."

 

Losing Desere' has changed you forever and as I said, this is a trauma...a very fresh trauma. I know the pain seems like it will kill you. I had crying jags, then periods of numbness. Even 13 months later, I still cry for Jackie. I watch our wedding video. I talk to her all the time and ask her for signs, which she gives me. Michelle, Desere' will contact you to let you know that she is alright, that she is still with you and as time goes on, you can even ask her for a sign and she will continue to communicate with you. I know it isn't the communication we want. I asked God if I could just have Jackie "in her human form" for 5 minutes a month...just to hug and kiss her, but that is not how it works. Michelle, please take care of yourself and whenever you want to talk I'm here.

 

Unfortunately, I have had the experience of dealing with in-laws (now ex-laws), who decided that Jackie's and my union meant nothing. I had to hire a lawyer. While I have many supportive family and friends, my ex-laws' desire for money and material possessions (the love of money is truly the root of all evil) has only exacerbated my grief. I hope you do not have to deal with such a situation. However, if you do, I can share some advice with you. Also, if you live in NYC, I can also recommend a great lawyer and if you choose to talk to a professional, I know some great therapists.

 

Take care Michelle and I am praying for you.

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 3, 2011 at 3:14pm

Tammy,

 

It is so "strange" that you mention this, I just received a phone call from Desere's parents (who has been very supportive so far), to ask me when we can discuss the belongings so that they can arrange for a truck to collect.  What a shock, and how upsetting.  Although there are certain things that Desere had when we decided to join forces, we put everything into the house (which I own) and treated everything as ours, most of the items I bought.  Although Desere' and her parents relationship got better since we got together, they were not part of her life for a very long period, and do not really know anything about her life etc.

 

It just came as such a shock, because I never expected it.

 

I am not going to fight over anything and if they feel they "deserve" it then so be it, forget the fact that it was brought into my home and that the kids and I are still using it.  I do not have the strength to fight over this.  I even paid for the whole funeral (please don't get me wrong I wanted to do this for the love of my life and never expected anything from anyone).

 

Anyway, I made a special cross, and "planted" it at the accident scene on Thursday, which was a very big and emotional thing for me on Thursday, and I think Desere' must have been smiling down on me, as I actually mixed concrete, and cemented it in (which is so not my thing to do).  I even fixed our toilet yesterday, do not know anything about it, although Desere' was by no means butch she was a very handy girl and could fix anything.  Again I managed to do that through all the tears, and knows she will be so proud of me.

 

As for signs from her, I have already asked for 2 and got my answers, so I totally understand and get that.  Oh what I will give for 5min a month...

 

By the way I live in South Africa

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 3, 2011 at 4:39pm

Dear Michelle,

I am so sorry that Desere's parents feel entitled to her "belongings." She was a grown woman in a loving and committed relationship. If you were a heterosexual couple, this would NEVER happen. I swear gay marriage advocacy is in my future! Michelle, you are much so smarter than me. I have only recently given up the fight for possession of "our home" and Jackie's motorcycles. Jackie died without a will, so half of the house belongs to me and the other half belongs to her siblings. I have been working with a lawyer to see if her siblings would sign off their rights to the house. None of them made a mortgage payment, car or motorcycle payment or a paid a utility bill, but the law is on their side. After 13 months, I finally get that the house is a material possession...it's brick and mortar. You should never become so attached to a material possession. Fighting kept me from healing, compromised my health and was a waste of money. Home is in my heart and that's where I carry Jackie and our love. The house will be sold and I will be moving shortly and Jackie's coming with me. :) I made the decision to end this process, which feels good. There was so much back and forth with her siblings. I think they were hoping I would buy them out. I'm walking away from them and now know that Jackie was my family, not them.

 

Anyway, I hope Desere's parents will consider you and your children's feelings as they come to collect Desere's belongings. It's painful enough, but a truck...unbelievable. By the way, I am very impressed that you poured concrete to make the cross for Desere'. I'm sure she was looking down and smiling, even when you fixed the toilet. Jackie and I had very "traditional roles" in our relationship. It was the Butch in her. While I could change a tire at age 16 and functioned independently until Jackie and I met, I remember coming outside one day (maybe 2 months after her death) to discover a flat tire and I sat in our driveway and cried because she wasn't there to fix it. Since then, I'm learning to regain my independence in some areas, which I gladly gave up during my marriage.

 

I'm glad you've gotten your signs from Desere' and you'll continue to get more. Hang in there Michelle and I'm always here to chat.

 

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 3, 2011 at 4:54pm

Michelle,

I forgot to say that I also paid for my Baby's funeral and after the bill was paid, her 8 siblings said "oh we would have helped." Jackie was my spouse and the Love of My Life. I didn't and wouldn't have asked them for help, and if they truly wanted to help, they could have just sent a check. I purchased our headstone, which I designed and I will be laid to rest with my Jack. Desere's parents missed out on a lot. It is truly their loss. She was so lucky to have found you. You truly loved her and were soul mates. We all need to find that before we leave this earth and I believe that Jackie knows that I loved her unconditionally. God gives us a biological family and the freedom to go out into the world and create family. How blessed we were.

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 4, 2011 at 1:00pm

Tammy I totally agree, they can take away everything that we had but they can never ever take away the awesome times we spent together, the wonderful memories, and the love that we shared.  She was my life, and it will not be taken away from me.  Obviously its going to be a very emotional discussion Thursday night, but it needs to get done.

 

Its just so sad they have now taken over to "sort" out issues, but not knowing what to sort out, as they have no idea.

 

Both Desere' and I loved bikes (to be honest we have 9 bikes in our garage, 8 now without the one that Desere' had the accident with) and how quick is it to forget about the damages to this bike, and who is going to pay for that... But like I say all  material and earthly posession (does hurt though).  I know if the roles were reversed Desere' would have walked away and not fight over these things and that's exactly what I am going to be doing.  I will let you know how the meeting goes on Thursday. 

 

Good luck with all your issues (at least I do not have to move out of "our" house, which makes it a bit easier).

 

On a lighter note, have you ever been to South Africa?

 

Thanks for the chats, and please note that I am also here to chat.

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 4, 2011 at 6:31pm

Hi Michelle!

Good luck on Thursday and I will pray that this meeting is short and not too painful. I look forward to hearing how the meeting goes. No, I've never been to South Africa and I always wonder what protections (or lack of protections) there are in other countries. I know we are just getting to know each other, but I'd like to ask if Desere's parents have any legal rights regarding you and Desere's children? Grandparent rights are strong here in the US. 

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 5, 2011 at 4:30pm

Hi Tammy,

 

Thanks, I will let you know how the meeting goes.  Desere's parents have no legal rights as the kids are actually mine from my marriage, although Desere' regarded and treated them as her own and vica versa.

 

Chat soon

 

Michelle

Permalink Reply by Michelle Rautenbach on January 9, 2011 at 12:36pm

Hi Tammy,

 

So we had our meeting, and although it could have turned out much worse, it was still sad to go through this, and it amazed me the things that were asked or claimed (mostly by the sister).  Even a Vuvuzela (if you don't know what that is, it is a plastic instrument that South African soccer fans use to make a big noise and costs around R20, which is about $3.  Most of the stuff were taken that day and today, which was a traumatic experience in itself and made we wonder if the same thing would've happened if it wasn't a gay relationship??  It almost feels like our lives we shared means nothing to them...

 

Michelle

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 9, 2011 at 9:24pm

Dear Michelle,

 

I'm so sorry that you even had to go through such a meeting. Unfortunately, I do believe that in-laws feel like they can take possession of our loved one's belongings because they don't recognize or respect our unions as being just as legitimate as their unions. If we were heterosexual couples this would NOT happen. No one would say to the widow..."oh, by the way, I'll be by for your spouses' belongings next week." There would also be no expectation that we would part with anything, unless we chose to give something sentimental to someone.

 

I'm so angry Michelle! I'm angry for all our pain and suffering that has been exacerbated by the insensitivity, ignorance and homophobia of in-laws and others. Of course, since Desere' just passed, you may still only feel despair and not anger. After 13 months of dealing with my ex-laws, I am bitter and angry. I am moving out of the home that Jackie and I shared for almost 9 years because the law says that Jackie's siblings are her legitimate heirs since she died without a will. So despite my best attempts (and a King's ransom) to get them to sign off their rights to our house, I am moving on Tuesday. As I said before, the house is a material possession and I carry Jackie in my heart. It is just the unbelievable sense of entitlement and their homophobia that enrages me.

 

Michelle, I know the meeting hurt and I pray that they don't come back. If nothing else, you know where you stand with them and no one has to pretend. I think I told you that I like to write and I have been working on a novel for some time. However, I have journaled daily since Jackie died, which has helped me and I will become involved in advocacy for gay marriage. At some point, I will write about my experience and I'm naming names! You know how they say "the names have been changed to protect the innocent." There are no innocent people among Jackie's 8 siblings.

 

I'm sorry for my rant this evening. I'm exhausted from packing and I know we are not alone in this journey. Hang in there Michelle. I'll be offline for a few days because I have to pack up my computer, but I'll chat with you by the weekend. I can see the love you shared with Desere' when I look at the beautiful picture you posted. You had and still have something Desere's parents and sister did not have and will never have.  We are supposed to grow up and find true love, our soul mate, and you both found yours.

 

I'll talk to you soon,

Tammy

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