Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 16, 2017 at 11:03pm

Morgan, you so correctly and heartbreakingly outlined what I thought could happen.  I love Oahu and thought about moving there for awhile, renting a room and working at something, thinking it could pull me out of myself.  Changing the environment is not a big enough distraction, is what I am reading from everyone.  

I don't know what to say that could help you, except you are not nothing since your beloved is no longer here.  

Permalink Reply by morgan on January 17, 2017 at 12:05am

I wish on the moon and every star in the sky to shine the light on my path.  Angela, each of us wants to be able to say something to someone else especially when we can feel that someone else is hurting.  Of course I appreciate it.  You know that.  But I have found over the years that this just isn't going away.  I really don't know how to make this work so I might stop the crying.  

I think because of my birthday last Saturday and his death this Saturday I am digging furiously in my hole but then I have to admit that even without significant marker days I still fall in.  I keep repeating out loud, in words and to myself in my head........yes, I am better at functioning, no doubt about it.  But how do I stop crying.  Today its been three times.  It hurts.  

Do I take drugs? This isn't a depression as much as it is memories that will flood me and boom......I'm hit.  I swear I cant imagine a drug popping into action because the memory happens to take a good hold out of the blue.   And yes I've done lots of research on which ones and have listened to all sorts of videos on the brain and neuroscience of what our brains are capable of doing to us.  I'm really not convinced drugs are the answer for me.  Besides I get stomach sick taking an ibuprofen.

I've managed on my own, through the crying, to see the frequency and the original desperate intensity diminish.  No drugs.  Just a factor of time.  Ive gone from wanting to end it all to enduring the pain when I do cry because I think I've gotten beyond the ideation of self harm and lack the courage now.  Time has made things different.  I can see it.

This damn grief is a process. Its just that the process is unending.  Most other things I've ever tackled no matter the "grief" in doing them had an end point.  This doesn't seem to have that conclusive carrot in my reach.  I console myself by telling myself I am just not strong enough and that is ok.  And you know, it is ok.  I. Am. OK.  (sort of)  It just hurts and honestly, I am tired of the hurt but I can only say it is obviously the price I am paying for being so in love and loved.  It's just what it is.   

Permalink Reply by John T. on January 17, 2017 at 1:51pm

I stayed in our home for 3 months following my wife's sudden death on the front steps 2 years ago.  I don't know how I did it because the pain was unrelenting and I look back on it now as a hazy nightmare.  I was all alone as my family lived 800 miles away and I just saw no need for anyone of them coming to stay with me for a few days.  The comfort they offered over the phone was meaningless enough.  Our friends seemed to drift away as if I had leprosy or might be dangerous.  So, I spent my time packing, sorting, and binging on television series, all the time thinking how Diane would have loved whatever I was watching.  Finally, just a few days before Christmas, I drove a loaded U-haul full of memories and two cats the 800 miles to live near family.  It doesn't seem real now and it didn't at the time.  When I arrived at our destination, it was if I landed on another planet.  It seemed to take forever to adjust to my new surroundings and the fact I was truly alone.  Who am I kidding?  I still haven't gotten used to being alone or this new place.  That is something that seems almost impossible.  With time it has gotten easier to cope but I have yet to really accept it.

Someone posted on the topic of moving that you can't outrun your mind.  I sure didn't and I was immersed in the pain as intensely as before I moved.  I don't think I could have stayed and I didn't want to but changing my location only did only that and wasn't much of a help in easing the pain.  The process continues and it will wherever I go.  Follow your instincts but don't make any quick decisions about your future.  I came very close to making some really awful choices and whether we like it or not, there is a future ahead that we have no choice but to deal with the best we can.

Permalink Reply by John T. on January 17, 2017 at 2:19pm

I just wanted to make clear my family members are not villains and not completely insensitive to what I'm going through.  They, like so many people who suggest we "move on," or "stop wallowing," simply can't understand how profoundly this loss has touched us.  Our world has been shaken and crumbled around us.  No one can understand our feelings, not really.  They can, however, fear those feelings because they are afraid that what happened to us will happen to them.  It's hard to blame them.

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 17, 2017 at 2:20pm

John
In the final analysis, do you think moving to be near family was better than staying alone? I have been facing the same choice. I hate being totally alone 90 percent of the time. As I am retired, i sit in my home alone most days thinking up tasks like mopping the floor. My feeling is living next to family can't be worse. I know the area and the weather is better.

Permalink Reply by John T. on January 17, 2017 at 2:30pm

Well, at least you can motivate yourself to mop the floor : )  Yes, moving to be near family was the right decision.  Staying alone... I hate to think where that would have led me.  It's hard to put on a happy face and think of things to talk about here sometimes but overall,  thank God for them.  The option to be with those who care is always there and that's a blessing. They are there if I need them.  As far as weather, it's boringly better here in Southern California.  I remember saying to my sister, just a few days after arriving, that I had realized I wouldn't be going home.  I would never be returning to Diane.  And that is the worst part of moving.  Those feelings would be the same wherever I was.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on January 17, 2017 at 3:06pm

I'm just saying, in regard to something that was printed (now I can't find it).  Friends do GO away.  It is as if we do have Leprosy.  They are afraid.  It's not catchy.  My own daughter told me to "Get over lit, it's been three weeks".  I seriously thought of choking her.  She dearly loved her dad and to say that, was disgusting.  It's been over a year now and the new friends I have made understand.  They are from my grief group.  Only one who has lost a SPOUSE can understand this particular God awful grief.  "Get over it"....Imagine, from my own daughter.

Permalink Reply by John T. on January 17, 2017 at 3:38pm

We are the stuff of their nightmares now.  To think of losing your life partner, the person you love more than anyone in the world, to be left alone and broken.  That's not  what anyone wants to think about and here we are, a reminder of the reality that it could happen to them at any moment.   Like I said before, who can blame them?  They have no idea and they really don't want to have any idea of what we feel.  My sister expected I'd be happy as a clam by now with one of a couple of old girlfriends from the past she's had over for dinner.  They most likely have come to accept something is very wrong with me and they're probably right : )

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on January 17, 2017 at 4:25pm

It's just heart breaking grief....that's what is wrong with you and all of us.  Yes, I have lost my parents and two siblings and it's awful, but not like this.  Not your life partner.  Someone who knows you inside and out and is closer than close.  Someone who knows your thoughts.  You write exactly what I am thinking and cannot put into words.  We ARE their nightmares.  After my daughter said what she did I asked her how she would feel if her husband was dead...she got angry and almost shouted, "Don't even talk about such a thing."  OK for her to tell me to "snap out of it" but I can't mention what may happen to her down the road.  That one moment has changed my daughter and my relationship.  I didn't know I had raised a cruel child.  The only thing that is wrong with any of us is the horrible chasm of loneliness for the one person who meant the world to us. When will  it finally dawn on me that he is really gone and I will never see him or hear his voice.  Almost 13 months and I still cry daily.  I love him still.

Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on January 17, 2017 at 4:46pm

I must be the only one who wants to stay where I am. I find comfort being in the home Rocky and I shared. I've lived here longer than I've lived anywhere in my life, so that's part of it. Plus I just like hiding out there. Not sure I will after my dog dies, which I think will be sooner rather than later. He's sick.

I do take antidepressants and they do work. They don't make me happy...they make me feel nothing. Which is better than being tormented like I was before I started taking them. So I continue to take them and feel numb.

I have yet to clear out Rocky's office. I look at it from time to time...then just shut the door. I'm not up to it, but it doesn't make me cry anymore. I don't cry at commercial anymore either.

I've thought about if I were to lose the job I have I would go live with my parents. No idea how that would feel. I'm 60 years old! And back to living with them??? I don't know.  My daughters want me to move to Ft Collins. They are crazy! And they aren't staying there forever...what am I supposed to do? just follow them around? I have to have a job to live.

I envy those of you who could just pack up and go. I'm stuck where I am in the horrible cold weather (-16 degrees this morning) I'm scared the water will freeze and I'm scared my truck won't start and I'm scared of everything happening and no one to help me fix it. I don't have any confidence in myself.  I just live in fear all the time, praying that this or that doesn't happen.

But it's 10 months this Friday that I lost Rocky. He died in the home I'm in, in my arms, in the hospital bed that was set up in the living room. I can sit there and wonder at all of it. How did I live through that? How do I live with it now? I have no friends, no family around. Just me and my sick dog and my little parrots. Seems very pointless. But at least I'm not crying all the time. So am I better? Or am I just numb from the drugs? Or am I checked out?

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 17, 2017 at 5:09pm

Kathleen
I am also on an antidepressant but am still depressed. And i dont sleep. I am retired so i have little to do but think about my precious wife Roxanne. I am thinking about living with her son and his family - like a child, though id have my own apartment. Seems ridiclulous. I was a caregiver and, i thought, a strong person. Now im a child. But this child can't be alone 24/7. Im going nuts.

Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on January 17, 2017 at 5:43pm

Sometimes you have to try other anti depressants, or even 2 to work together. I've had good luck with Wellbutrin and now there is another one my doc put me on as an addition. Vyril (or something like that) and together they work. I'm just sort of numb, but that's better than being in torment, right?

Don't go nuts. Write to me and I will write back. Talking helps.

You are doing ok and even if you have to live with your wife's son, that will be ok too. Not great, not what you want, but ok. That's what I tell myself about possibly having to live with my parents. I tell myself I could be a big help to my elderly parents...they need me.  I like my solitude though and am trying to hang onto my own place. I guess I'm lucky that I like to be a hermit.

just hang on. It's been just a short while that your wife passed from this earth. She sees you, and sees your pain. She is there watching over you, wanting you to be ok and hang on. Talk to her in your head. That's what I do. I do both parts of the conversation :) Rocky was just so easy to talk to. That's what I miss.

I'm here if you need to talk. Any time of the day. I work during the day but like now I sneak onto this site to check up on how everyone is.

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