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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Denise Martinez on
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Hello Bluebird,
I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your feelings. When I read you letter it was as if I was writing it myself, I lost my husband in February of this year and still can't and don't want to be here. I don't talk to allot of people because I don't want people around anymore. I will never date again...I love him forever. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you hurt. I would never wish this on anyone.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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After 6 months one of my so called friends husband who lives 2 doors away knocked on my door and asked if i would go to their home on friday for a drink, he said and i quote Russ has been dead now 2 years you should be going out! I have known these people 35 years been on holiday every year had parties and bbqs, my husband passed away 199 days ago! Not 2 years ago, i declined they are all 6 months to late! I am fortunate that i have some very good friends who i see every week and a marvellous daughter and son, i am going out a lot but only with people i trust and can rely on, there is not a day i dont break down and beg to be with my wonderful husband and i know i will never ever feel any different. My love goes out to all on this site there are no words that will ever ease our pain x
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Pamela,
Did you punch him?
I am only half-kidding, really -- I would have told him to fuck off, at least. He may be well-intentioned (I don't know, because I don't know him), but still, what the hell. Hugs to you.
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Thank you, Denise. I am sorry for your loss, too. I truly hope there is a wonderful afterlife in which we will each be reunited with our beloved husbands, forever.
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It's like reading my own words reading this. My husband took his own life just under a month ago, we would have been together 10 years soon. We just got married 4 months ago and came back from our honeymoon 2 weeks before It happened. I feel like my life has ended too, all our future plans gone. I am 33, he was my everything, my reason for living, the first moment I met him I knew he was "the one", it's corny but it really was love at first sight for us both. We have barely spent a night apart since that day. I just can't understand how life can go on and on without him, I can't stand it. I keep thinking it must all be a dream. I don't want to live with this pain, this guilt, shame, stigma, all these questions and conflicting emotions, missing him more and more for the next 40-odd years. It's not fair and it's not getting better, it gets worse every day. Some days I feel nothing which is very confusing and weird and upsetting, other days (most days) I am in excruciating emotional and physical pain. Every night I go to bed as late as possible to avoid falling asleep without him next to me, I feel like everyday I want it to go faster and faster so I can get older and older as quickly as possible and maybe see him again. At the same time I want time to just stop and stand still. Rewind. We were supposed to grow old together and hold hands on a park bench and die together or close together in our dotage. I will NEVER find anyone, ever, like him again and I wouldn't want to. He was my opposite in every way, we were literally made for each other. Soulmates. I've done the whole dating game rubbish, I can't and won't go down that road again. I don't want anyone else to ever touch me, like you it makes me feel sick. He is my husband, he always will be & I just want him. All I will ever want is my sweet, kind, wonderful husband. People can't quite seem to grasp how much we meant to each other. It was so magical, there were so many coincidences and things that brought us together and that happened to us throughout our lives together that reinforced our love and our connection. I guess I'm talking about fate. Even now, wherever I go there is something that connects me to him, everything I see, everything I hear. He is constantly in my mind and everything reminds me of him or seems to be connected to what I'm experiencing in some way. I am so angry at god, the universe, fate, whoever, and I keep thinking I am being punished. He was the best and only good thing in my life. Someone actually told me I would meet someone else and fall in love again after barely 2 weeks!!! It's not right. I feel like everyone just wants me to snap out of it, get over it, be happy, but it's not going to happen. I will always carry this pain and trauma with me, questions that I will never get any answers to. I've lost everything.
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Thank you so much Anne. Sincerely. I just cried a little reading your post. You and a few others here are actually the first to acknowledge how very bad my situation is. People get very uncomfortable because of how he died, it makes it very hard for me to talk or cry and my emotions are incredibly conflicted as it is. They offer advice rather than just empathising. It is good to know there are people who do here. Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on
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Their advice, their forward looking, all so excruciating in this nightmare. Like a threat, to subject you to more torment while you suffer in a way may they never imagine.
You do not have to move on.
I have not moved on. I stopped. I died with him. I am with him now as I write this.
His company is much better than ignoramus meat headed stupidity spouting their happy ending b.s. Maybe this god of theirs never gives them more than they can handle. ..great. they needn't shove it down your throat.
I love him, and my love for him in his passing is a sacred experience. It is beyond their understanding. I found him by regression to QHHT and Between Life. He is okay. He is with me. I can feel and sense and soon, I hope to leave the physical and join him.
Blessings and love to you.
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Hilary, I am very sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. You are 100% right. I lost the love of my life to breast cancer in June. I rarely hear from her family or friends anymore, but I had e-mailed one a few months ago and she was surprised that I am still a mess. "She's gone, let her go" was her infuriatingly ignorant response. It's typical, though.
It's a beautiful, warm, golden fall day here. This afternoon I will go to a nice park (Alamo Placita in Denver), where we went 10 years ago when we first met. I will carry a picture of her picture with me and see where she stood. Very sad... She should be here physically.
If there's a god, he/she is very cruel indeed.
By the way, I have been mentioning "Love Knows No Death" here. I strongly recommend it. It is NOT about moving on. The premise is that they are still with us, love us as before, and hear us. http://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/site/grief_and_loss
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Louise,
I'm sorry you are in this hell too, compounded by your husband dying by suicide. Other than the method of death, it sounds as though our situations are very similar. I know other people don't like this, but for me, I refuse to act as though I am in any way "better" or have "moved on" or any of the other complete shite people spew because it would make them feel better (and, in the case of those who truly do love me, because they want things to be better for me). Not pretending is at least a tiny bit helpful, I find.
My family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law) do understand how much I love my husband, and how much I always will love him. They mostly understand that I will never date or get involved with anyone else. They also know and love him, so that helps
Like you, I am SO fucking angry at god or the universe or fate or whatever. I don't really believe in any "god", but if there is one then it has betrayed me by allowing my husband to die when he did, so it gets nothing from me but hatred.
I am so sorry. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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Thank you all so much. I feel like people on here really do understand when I am surrounded by so many who don't. I am so sorry for all your pain too. It's just all so unfair and cruel.
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Louise, they aren't bad people and they don't mean anything hurtful. They just haven't been through this hell. They have no idea at all...
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Permalink Reply by Melanie on
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When my husband was in a coma his very religious family had their priest take me into another room to "pray" for him. This guy said the wrong name. No joke. He didn't even remember my husbands name. Ugh....wth? But he's just a person and we are all doing the best we can. It sucks. BUT
It gives you a free pass to get up everyday and do exactly what you want without guilt and guess what? It has made me realize how important it is to appreciate the things I do have.
I can't get my husband back....I can't find anyone or anything that will ever replace or even come close to filing that one place he has inside of my soul BUT if he is watching me....I know he would want me to laugh and smile and find what will make me feel like being alive. I KNOW he would be pissed at me if I killed myself.
It's not easy....it sucks...it hurts....but for him I have stayed alive and been the best mom I can to our kids and been as nice as I can to his family.
Do what he would want for you. It's the best thing I've found to help me keep going 7 years later.
Being on this site is a start, right?
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