Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on October 21, 2016 at 11:18am

I too think about this--and am on many medications, but you want to be sure you go to the same place where he is at --not that I am really religious--but that is what stops me.  I do things that I know will speed up my death--like vapor smoke--and do not care.  Sometimes I walk through the grave yard and look how long the wife lived after husbands death or visa verca and hope mine is only a couple years at most.

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on October 21, 2016 at 11:22am

Hopelessness is indeed an overwhelming emotion. Couple that with grief and it's no wonder you feel the way you do.

Is there nothing to HOPE for? How about a reunion with your husband without having to die yourself.

In the Bible there are 8 resurrections. Families reunited with there loved ones.

My favorite account is at Mark 5

Mark 5:42 — And immediately the girl rose and began walking. (She was 12 years old.) And at once they were beside themselves with great ecstasy.

The 12 year girl had died. Brought back to life and reunited with her family by Jesus. The Bible tells us that that same thing will happen for us one day.

I don't mean to offend, and I realize not everyone feels the same way about the Bible, but it gives me real comfort and gives me HOPE and maybe it can help you as well.

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Permalink Reply by morgan on October 21, 2016 at 2:01pm

Linda, Your heart is screaming out.  I hear it.  You cant understand why you are being forced to endure such pain.  Nor can I.  I cant believe my heart could still pulse a beat given that my brain has exploded with the constant thoughts of how much I miss my husband.  I am right about the same timing as you, three years, nine months today.  How has my body and mind withstood this I ask myself?  How could I have not died already?  And at the very worst moments which still happen daily I want to do what you want to do.  I want out.  

I plead.  I repeat over and over, help me, help me.  I'm not sure anymore who I think is going to do that because I surely have asked, cried and pleaded enough for anything or anyone who was truly listening to help deliver me from this pain.  So what am I to do with this?  With this constant assault upon my mental state that drives me into the worst of the worst crying meltdowns I never thought I could call a human sound.  But they happen.  Still everyday.  Sometimes more than once.  Once in awhile I get a full day of reprieve.  But it hasn't stopped.  

Its all about the "feelings".  I cannot stop feeling him.  I don't want to but even if I did my brain and heart or whatever piece of me that does this cannot stop feeling him.  It just continually shadows my every move through a day and I just cannot stop feeling him.  And when it goes deep so go I.  I manage a few hours at a time where I stay so busy or distract myself with the TV or computer where I am not crying. But more and more I feel like I live from crying episode to crying episode (meltdowns) than I do live in between them.  I would like to stop them as they are kicking my physical ass and the pain now includes physical pain as well as mental pain.  And like your wish, I want to do the same.

But then there is that big "what if".  What if.  We cant know.  The inability to know what if we do not endure the pain will we be disallowed from the connection to our soulmate because we severed the cord ourselves?  I don't know.  It is about the ONLY thing that keeps me enduring the pain.  And honestly I don't know how I am surviving because the pain has gotten pretty damn bad.  

Every day i question the rationale behind what delivering my husband to deaths door has done to make me this basketcase.  Why am I so conflicted?  Why does the war in my head rage on and on?  I cannot get a handle on it and I wonder why I cant because I used to be able to get a handle on pretty much everything.  Why and in what capacity did my husband play such a crucial role in having me keep my head screwed on straight that I am unable to do more than just endure now?  What is it about having such love for another human that when they die you just die with them?  What is that?  WTF?

I know you want to find a way to end the pain.  Who amongst us doesn't want to be the second in line.  But.......well, the but is the big question mark.  What happens afterwards?  Is suicide really problematic for what we surmise is an eternity?  We don't know.  But, is the risk worth it?  

I will be thinking of you and your pain while i suffer my own and hope for all of us that we find a way to support each other through the worst of it.  I know that everyone on here who tells their truth about their feelings and doesn't sugarcoat it knows how hard this path is and we want to help each other.  I want you to find your solution but in the interim try some double chocolate muffins or some really rich ice cream and maybe a hot shower with some great smelling shower gel.  I try to pamper myself when I find the energy periodically and though it is not a solution it gives me a small boost from the depths to know my husband would have reached out to help me do something like that if I was having a bad day.  These are beyond bad days but today just try something that gives you a lift.  And I think your little Baby J will give you a bigger cuddle for doing so.......

We care Linda........I think I can pretty much say we all do.......

Morgan

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 22, 2016 at 6:51am

 Thank You, Ruthie, Dennis & Morgan for sharing your thoughts with me. 

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 23, 2016 at 7:00am

Anne, Thank you so much for sharing with me. I try to be strong but just don't want to live without my wonderful Husband, he will always remain my only true love. Gob Bless You, Linda

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Permalink Reply by morgan on October 23, 2016 at 11:48am

i get it Linda.  I really do. Look at the picture.  The way you are nestled into his shoulder.  Both of you leaning in.  Both of you holding on to each others waists.  I have a carbon copy of your picture only it is me and my husband.  Attached at the hip.  It is true love.  A love where being separated is killing us. I get it.  

And just now after crying once again just looking at my husbands picture asking him "where are you" I am writing to tell you I feel the same way you do.  I have what I think are the means to die a peaceful quiet death and I want to as badly as you. I don't know how to live without my husband.  Like your Julian was for you, that was my husband for me.  My everything.  I don't know how to live without him.  But i keep putting up with the pain.

Why?  I cant understand other than I am not sure I have what I call the courage to let it all go why I am continuing to suffer like I do.  I call it suffering.  I certainly don't enjoy anything about life.  All I do is push time around.  I try to get up out of the bed and do something with time.  I hate it.  Right now it is almost 1pm the day is half over and I still haven't gotten out of bed.  The bedroom is dark, it is cold outside and I have no desire to get up.  What is this thing I am calling life?

Like you I want out. I want it all to end.  I just don't know how to actually call it the end.

Morgan

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 23, 2016 at 3:18pm

Hi Morgan,

Thanks for your input, sometimes I wonder how I have lasted so long after Julian's death. Everyday I asked the Lord to take me but no dice. I do have a beautiful little dog Babie J who fills my heart with love and joy, so I live for her.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 23, 2016 at 7:37pm

Linda,

Babie J is adorable.  :)

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 24, 2016 at 7:21am

Thank you very much.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 24, 2016 at 7:23am

Anne,

I would give anything to go back to those days. I miss his touch and love so much.

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Permalink Reply by Ruthie on October 24, 2016 at 2:53pm

Yes, Linda, this picture is beautiful and clearly shows how close you were.  Thank-you for sharing it.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 24, 2016 at 3:28pm

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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