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Permalink Reply by morgan on October 14, 2016 at 4:53pm

Linda,  I am approaching three years and nine months.  And every day I ask myself why?  Since the day he died I told anyone who would listen that I couldn't find a reason to live.  For the first year to two suicide was always a thought but because of my lack of courage as well as a personal commitment to tie up my affairs I never took that option.  It took a good three years to get to the point where I felt I could actually do more than just shower, walk around in a daze and pretend I was doing something.  At the third year mark I think I came to the conclusion that reality not shock was now my life.  Nothing much changed.  I still hated life.  I still had no reason to live.  And I still pleaded with the universe to help me to let me go.  

Yes, I can operate a bit better in getting things done that for the first three years took EVERYTHING out of me to initiate or complete.  What has replaced the constant crying is a hatred for life at all times, a purposeful pushing of the limits of my physical system so it is more likely to succumb to any number of diseases when you don't take care of yourself and when the crying does happen which is still normally at least once a day I wonder now if I will make it through the next meltdown they have gotten so bad.  

So am I lost?  I am hateful, bitter, could care less about myself or others and when I am deep in the hole all I can feel is the need and desire to have my husband wrap his arms around me and tell me he is there and because i know he isn't then yes, I guess I am lost.  Completely debilitated and wishing that this life as I live it will just collapse.  Give it to someone who wants to be here, I say.

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Permalink Reply by Liz Marotz on October 15, 2016 at 1:07am

Morgan, I feel the same way even after 9 years. I miss my husband so much that I actually tried to end my pain and suffering 3 weeks ago. Obviously, I was not successful. I just want to be with him so bad. Now I'm stuck in this useless counseling once a week because they tell me I'm depressed. You think??? Of course I'm depressed. I'm still here after his passing 9 years ago in July and I just seem to be sinking further into the hole that was created as soon as he left. I can't find that happy place to save my life and I'm done trying as well as done caring about anybody else let alone myself. After all these years I know for sure that I cannot be happy without him. I just want to be with him! A relative had the nerve to tell me that he's in heaven and that if I was to commit suicide, I would go to hell and never see him ever. I don't believe in heaven or hell anymore so bring it on I say. They just don't get the pain and suffering. 9 years I've been going through this and I've had enough pain and misery for this life. I'm ready to move on and join my Husband.

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Permalink Reply by morgan on October 15, 2016 at 1:08pm

Liz,  At one time to hear someone say they contemplated and attempted suicide would have been shocking to me.  Now, I understand it,  Totally.  What I don't want to do is encourage or give some sort of blessing to the thoughts or actions that lead to it for another person on here.  But I follow your drift and how you got there.  I feel it everyday. 

It's not as though we aren't functioning in everyday society it's just we aren't really living it.  Not to the extent, or way or the end goal of some sort of happiness that comes from the energy and effort that it took when we were living with the one person who made that struggle worthwhile.  Kimberly just wrote in her post that she just wants to sleep all the time so her brain stops.  Boy, do I relate to that.  I could easily just stay in bed for the rest of my life except I get sore laying there.  So I have pushed myself to get up.  It was ever so slowly at first.  The first year and half I slept a lot.  I would fall asleep on and off for 18 hours out of every 24.  But it was never rested sleep.  It was just my body shutting down because the shock was so great.

Now I am still trying to get into s sleep pattern but it seems resistant to my efforts.  And eating is another challenge.  I have no set time to eat nor do I necessarily attempt  to eat right but if I don't eat halfway reasonably I get nauseous and I hate that worse so I try to stay away from too much junk. Michael Thompson on here asked one time about the nausea and I still battle that all the time.  Hate it.

And yes, Mel,  it is a CONSTANT battle of how many hours of coping can I succeed at before the pain succeeds and I fall deep into my hole.  And I have used every coping mechanism in the book other than drugs to try to reconstruct.  I call it reconstructing because I am not getting better I am just trying to figure out ways to stay afloat.  

I will never move on.  This is a permanent loss of the one person who allowed me to be me and still loved every part of me.  This was the loss of my soul.  I buried my soul.    The worst part of my breakdowns at this point in the path of reconstructing has been an intense, particularly needy yearning for having him hold me.  It's like I cannot go one more second without feeling the touch of his body against mine.  Not the sexual aspects just the daily hugs of he and i holding each other.  I am simply bereft at finding anything that can help me reconstruct that visceral base.  I might as well be the character in the film Gravity who is cut loose and floating in space because that is never coming back and the deepness of that has not ebbed.  I find that is the one thing that is more than unsettling.  It is going to be the one thing that will capsize my boat if I cannot get a handle on it.  But I keep trying to push forward because the one thing I am afraid of and has kept me from attempting anything is the possibility of not being reunited with my husband if I take my own life.   Its a very thin thread because the pain is still so palpable and debilitating.  But I keep stringing myself along for the times when I am functioning and not debilitated.  I live for those moments not because they mean something to me but because it is the only thing keeping me here and scared of using the other option.

I could write more and more of this but everyone else here on this website writes exactly how I feel and I know this is about the only real lifeline I have where others express the same feelings.  How is it that we can all be in so much pain from our loss?  How is it that death delivers such a blow to our psyche and we all have much the same reaction to it?

I'm not sure Liz how I am going to stand nine years of how I am currently living.  I am deliriously hoping that I wont have to but I am a bit older than your current age and so I continue to do what I can to push myself beyond my limits and eat lousy and get crappy sleep hoping like hell it delivers me from this drudgery of an existence.  At this point I can fool most people I MUST deal with, which I keep to a minimum, into thinking I am halfway normal.  But deep inside as we all know, we are broken souls.  We want an out and yet one has not yet appeared on our horizon.  We wonder what our other half is doing, thinking and where they might be and are they waiting for us somehow and will we be connected in a way that is less ambiguous than what we are living now?  I want so much for that to happen now as I really don't know how much patience I have for this kind of living.  

But here I am writing once again and wishing for each of us some relief from the ongoing pain we all are carrying.  In one way the love for my husband is now distributed to each of you for helping me carry the burden of this loss and I wish for each of us the swiftest exit from this suffering of the soul so we can feel once again the light that gave us the contentment of knowing love.  Thanks to each of you for writing and continuing to pour out your feelings.  It has given me a place that I can come to rest myself from the other people who think I should be different.  I am different.  They just can't know how different it is for those of us who have lost our meaning and purpose to live.  I don't need anything else anymore.   I just need him.  

Namaste.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 15, 2016 at 7:38am

Thanks Morgan and Liz for sharing your thoughts, my are exactly the same. It looks like will just have to stay in this hole until we can be united with our Husbands.   

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on October 15, 2016 at 9:54am

I am finding the thought of suicide less frightening these days as the thought of continuing to live without my Nancy grows more unacceptable.  It's the balance of coping versus pain.  Pain is winning. My coping mechanisms have been ineffective for a long time and my belief in an afterlife and the likelihood that I will be reunited with  Nancy is the only thing that keeps me anchored.  If I didn't have that, I doubt I would hesitate a minute before stepping into oblivion. This unending pain is indescribable and something I would not wish on my worst enemy. It goes on and on and on and I see no end to what will accompany me to my final breath which cannot happen too soon. Were it not for this group, I would truly be lost. God Bless all of you! 

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Permalink Reply by 2zrvrr54q0c9w on October 16, 2016 at 2:00am

Mel Royer:

My deepest condolences to you. I have only been 6 months and a few days into this loss, but have found the busier I stay, the easier each day is to face.  I am willing to bet that, like me, night is the hardest. Otherwise, why would I be here online @ 1:48 am?  And no, suicide is not the answer.  Never is.  So you have made the right choice.  In my beliefs, if I were to take that path, I would never get to be with her again, and mo, she would never want me if I pulled such a stunt.

Think of what she would want for you.  All you can give her is honor.  In living a life she would have wanted for you.  I do not know what you two had done before, or plans you may have made together, but if possible, continue those plans, and take  her with you in your heart & spirit.  I actually talk to Lydia, and hear what I know she is saying to me, or would have said to me anyway. Through this, I have been able to start making plans for my future.  Granted, a future without her physical presense, but moving forward anyway.  If you want direction, ask her what she would have said, and then listen, closely.  The answers are there, you just have to accept them.  Or maybe new paths and directions will now open for you.  Look, and you may find that there is a newness, a chance to make a difference you never thought of.  Maybe new people will cross your path, and stay for a time.  Embrace this. But always keep in mind, that you are still here, and as such, you probably still have a task, or tasks to finish, or fulfill.  Don't let your loss of her become a path to your own disapearance as well.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 16, 2016 at 12:59pm

John,

It's good that you have found a path that helps you, but that doesn't work for everyone.  I did disappear when my husband died -- the person I was, the person I should be, died in that same moment.  I do not want this life, and I never will. For those who find a way to move forward, and who want to do so, that's fine -- but that's not how it is for me. Some people can and want to move on with their lives, while others can't/don't.

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Permalink Reply by Carla E on December 27, 2016 at 1:14pm

Hello Mel,

It I see you've been thinking about suicide for quite a while. I also see that you have a real belief in God.

If you tell God the difficulties you face, he will provide help. For good reason, the Bible encourages you to “trust in him at all times . . . Before him pour out your heart.”—Psalm 62:8.
When More Is Needed
Studies reveal that most people who take their life have a history of depression. This underscores the fact that medical attention may be necessary. A physician may prescribe medication or recommend dietary adjustments. In some cases, a program of exercise is an effective supplement to treatment. Professional medical care has proved beneficial to many.

The Bible contains much information that can give you support and hope. For example, at Revelation 21:4, the Bible says regarding Jehovah God: “He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” This is a divine promise, and meditating on it can provide relief.

Jehovah’s Witnesses are sharing this Bible-based hope with millions of people around the world. As a result, many are finding genuine hope in these distressful times. For more information, contact Jehovah’s Witnesses in your area by visiting your local Kingdom Hall, or if you prefer, I would be happy to have someone stop by at your home. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sincerely, Carla

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on December 27, 2016 at 1:40pm

Thanks for your support, Carla,

I am a long term, happy member of a methodist denomination and have no desire to 

change that affiliation. Thank you for your scripture quotes. I frequently refer myself

to the good book and find consolation there. At other times,  I feel the need to express

myself, poetically, and so when that need arises, I do what I do.  I'm fine, however 

and there is no need to worry.....Thanks...Mel

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 16, 2016 at 1:01pm

Linda,

Yes.  My husband died just over four years ago, and in all essential ways I died with him. I am just waiting for my body to give up so that I can join him (if there is an afterlife) or just end this pain (if there is no afterlife).  Of course I hope that my husband still exists in a wonderful afterlife, and that we will be together again and forever -- but if not, I would still find absolute oblivion preferable to this "life" I'm stuck in now. 

There is no happiness in life for me anymore, no joy, nothing but sadness and pain and anger.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on October 16, 2016 at 3:26pm

Bluebird,

Thank you for sharing, I thought I was alone in feeling that the day my Husband died, I died with him. My family is no help, keep saying I should move on and that I have a future. I am 68 years old and all I have now is the past. God Bless You.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 16, 2016 at 4:35pm

Linda,

I'm glad I could help you feel less alone. I think a lot of people feel as we do, that they died when their husband/wife/partner died.

Your family doesn't understand -- I assume because it hasn't happened to them, and probably because they genuinely want things to get better for you and want you to have a future, but that doesn't really help, in my experience.

I actually envy you your age. I am twenty years younger than you are, and I do not want any more years. 

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