Slipping Backward

I am relatively new to this site, but have been comforted by reading the many posts. My husband has been gone for 9 months now, and we were married 55 years this coming month. I thought I was making some progress, but now feel I am slipping back into despair. I wake up in the morning to this ache and loneliness.
I see the day before me, and I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep. I like the night since the darkness seems to allow me to hide from the world.
I have started avoiding friends and want to be alone, but then when I am alone I feel horrible and cry.
My nightly ritual is to ask the Lord to take me home. I ask my husband to wait for me, and I feel I am being obsessed with leaving this hell and the pain that is a constant now in my life.
Every day I try to plan to do something so I will not go crazy thinking of how much I miss my husband. I keep wondering why the last years of my life have to end with this despair and longing. I ask why we cannot be allowed to leave the world together when we have spent 55 years as one. I have led a happy, fulfilling life, but now would like to end it without this constant pain.
I went to a grief group which has the title "from pain to joy". I thought this was so ridiculous since I know JOY is NOT something I will feel again until I am reunited with my love.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra Miller on August 8, 2016 at 8:57pm
I am so sorry for ur loss, i cant even imagine what u must be feeling to loss someone u have been with for 55years. I also want to say congratulations for being with someone for 55 years. I have been married 23 years now and since the murder of my father i sometimes wonder if i will make it that long.
Permalink Reply by Maria Gutierrez on August 18, 2016 at 9:30am

I thought I was the only one slipping back to despair. Lost my boyfriend of 11 years, four months ago and although unexpected, I found so much comfort in faith, friends and family. I felt so much pain but at the same time felt so blessed for having him in my life.

Now, for the last two weeks I have been angry, lost, and just a crying sensitive mess. I have been having anxiety attacks at night, can't sleep well and don't want to see friends or family. Yet I feel so lonely and want to talk about him but if I do I don't feel understood or that people are actually paying attention or care.

I also feel this is a constant pain and can't wait to be reunited with him. I do understand you and if I feel this way after 11 years I can't imagine what it's like when you have spent 55 years together.

Don't know what else to say, except, that please do know that you are not alone. There are more like us, barely surviving incomplete, slipping back into despair... 

Permalink Reply by Ann on August 23, 2016 at 8:41pm
I think we just have to feel this way until something connects in our brains that it's time to get through to the other side. Your life is a gift, and by grace it's a gift to live fully. It may feel like endurance and not living, but living we are.
Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 28, 2016 at 6:33pm

I have never left the state of despair, since my husband died nearly 4 years ago.  So, while my situation is not exactly the same as yours, I do somewhat understand. Like you, I try to sleep as much as possible (which I can only do with the help of Benadryl or a sleeping pill). I stay home as much as possible, preferring to be alone.  I want to be with my husband, if there is an afterlife, and if there is no afterlife I would still rather die than continue with this empty farce of a life.

We should be allowed to die together with our soulmate, or at least shortly thereafter, if we so choose. That we do not, and that no proof of an afterlife is provided to us, demonstrates to me that there is no god.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you further, and hope that I am not doing so; I am simply unable to say anything "uplifting". The only thing I can say that might help you is that you are not alone in feeling as you do.  {{{{hugs}}}}

Permalink Reply by Vicki on September 22, 2016 at 7:08pm
I so second that, although I don't want to stop believing. My life will never be the same, EVER, and I want my life back. My kids want their father back. It is so unfair to them. My son is only 11. All he wants to do are fun things with his father and my daughter just wants her father to walk her down the isle when she gets married. This is not life to me, but just existence. Mostly for my kids and my parents. Blessings, peace and love to all who are suffering with me.
Permalink Reply by Ruthie on September 7, 2016 at 1:58pm

I went to the same grief group--from pain to joy--that is not a good title at all. My husband has been gone 8 months today at the age of 51 in an accident.  We had 29 years together--so I kinda envy you having had so much more time with your husband, but I relate to on asking God for us to be together soon.  What upset me was there is no marriage in heaven, per Christian Counsler, but there will be dwelling places.  I want to have an special relationship again with him--some how different from others like it is on earth--but is sounds like we will all love each other equally and for some reason this bothers me because I want to be his wife again.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 7, 2016 at 8:51pm

Ruthie,

Please don't assume that the "Christian Counselor" was correct in her/his idea of "no marriage in heaven", especially if s/he is coming from a fundamentalist perspective.  There is simply no way for her/him to know. Personally, I think that idea is a load of bullshit, and if there is an afterlife at all then I will be with my husband, as husband and wife.  I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about that or has to say about it, and if there's a god then I don't give a damn what god thinks about it or has to say about it. If we have free will, then we will be able to be with our soulmates in the way we choose, period.

Permalink Reply by Angela renteria on September 8, 2016 at 12:13am

Hi Ruthie , sorry for your loss. I too have had some well meaning Christian friends tell me we are all like family in heaven and that there is no marriage. We all love each other as sister and brothers. That bothers me too. I love my husband with my whole being and I want to be his wife when it is my time to go. My father just passed away last Saturday so this has been the worst two months of my life and the thought that my husband will turn into just another face and my dad won't be my dad just kills me . I hope and pray God wouldn't be that cruel. The only thing that helps is the thought that I will have my husband , my family and when my children have lived till the end of there lives we would be all together. If not it just doesn't seem like something I would call heaven.

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on September 8, 2016 at 3:47pm

I totally agree that does not seem like a description of heaven.  The only place I found it in the bible was

Matthew 22:30 - For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

I wish it did not say that or at least explain more like how are relationships on earth will still matter in heaven.

But I know in my heart, we will be together again, in a more special way than just strangers you automatically start loving.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 8, 2016 at 9:00pm

Ruthie,

Please don't take what I'm about to say as being in any way against you, as it is not.  I am speaking generally.

The bible is not a definitive explanation of the afterlife or anything else.  It is a book written by humans, in part to explain their views on god and life and spirituality, as well as in part being a book of philosophy and history.  It certainly has its good points, but it is not "god's word".  Even in its early days, it was often written and edited in order to include or exclude portions based on what was most helpful/expedient/etc. to those in charge, and over the years it became further diluted and changed via both intentional and unintentional errors in translation and copying.

Even all that aside, in my opinion the verse you quoted, taken at face value, does not state that marriages do not endure or carry over into heaven, it only states that people don't get married in heaven.

Regardless, as I said -- it is irrelevant to me what god, if there is such a being, thinks or wants or prefers. If there is an afterlife, then I will be with my beloved, as his wife, and he as my husband.

Permalink Reply by Ruthie on September 9, 2016 at 1:08pm

Yes, I see what you are saying, even though the scriptures were inspired by God/Jesus--humans did write it.

I do believe though the most important thing Jesus said was to Love.  I believe we all have loved with all of our hearts or we would not be here on this site trying to see light in such a dark world.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on September 11, 2016 at 5:29pm

I don't personally believe the bible was inspired by god, as I don't believe there is any god.  However, if there is a god then at most I agree that it's possible that god inspired some of the writings in the bible.

Although I do not believe in god, I do agree with you that love is the most important thing in the world, in the universe, in existence.

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