Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 11:59am

Oh Kathy, what a sad "club"  we belong to....a forced membership. Who would ever volunteer?  I am sorry for your loss. I son survived a week in ICU, I stayed by his bedside for those 7 excruiating days. I felt soooooo helpless. I watched him slowly slip away from me. I wish I had my faith the way I use to. It is very difficult for me to pray. I begged with every ounce of my soul for his life to be spared. I was extremely suicidal the first 6 months. I had to flush my prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medications down the toilet one day when my 6 yr old told me that Iwas always sad and that she knew that I wanted to die to be with her brother. She said that then that would mean that she would no longer have a mommy or a big brother and that she would cry worst than she has seen me cry. She told me taht she would want to be with me and her brother in heaven. That broke my heart even more. I will never act out those thoughts. I, too, have a serious health problem that was learned about before my son's passing and sometimes I feel like I'm being punished....why was my life spared to go through this kind of torture. It's funny how my son was worried about me.

Permalink Reply by Kelly on December 11, 2010 at 6:24pm

Hi Karen...I too am part of this extremely sad and painful club...I wish I wasn't...on Oct 30th 2010 my 16yr old Daughter Taylor was walking on a country road and she was struck from behind, she had severe swelling in her brain and passed away on Nov 1st...she was in a coma and I was with her from the moment we heard of the accident until she passed away. She was the best daughter she wasn't like most teenagers she loved to just hang out with me and my husband rather then running around partying with her friends she would spend Saturday nites watching movies with us so I have lost not only my baby but a friend as well my life is empty now. I have considered not suicide but daily I pray to die. When I get in the car I pray something will happen when I walk outside I pray I will be hit by a car. My dr has just referred me to Physiciatrist and started me on anti depressants....not sure how they will help as no pill is going to take this pain away. I just want to be with her...there is no joy in my life anymore.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 8:12pm

Hi kelly and everyone else. My son sustained massive head trauma that resulted in him having multiple strokes until he was declared brain dead. I refused to except that diagnosis. I searched for a reaction from him daily. I was in such denial and I am a nurse.....which made me feel even worse. As a mother, you always have the power to make any "boo boo" feel better, there was nothing else I could do but stroke him and kiss him to let him know I was there. I would get so angry when the doctors would try to assure me that he could feel nothing or hear anything. I would scream "how do you know that!" My sister asked my son one day to squeeze her hand if he could hear her  and he did! I was so upset because I missed it,  I was in the ladies room. About 2 days before he passed away, one of his closest friends came to visit him in the ICU and he whispered softly in my son's ear and begged him not to leave him....tears began to roll down my son's face. I had the nurse document that and the incidence that occurred with his aunt. I promised him that he would get better. I placed his ear buds in his ears so he good listen to his favorite artist of all time....Michael Jackson. My son said that he was a musical genius. He was so devestated when we all learned of MJ's passing.

People tell me that he is in a "better" place but to me the "better" place is here with me and his family and all of his friends. I hope maybe one day I will be able to believe that, I struggle with that concept daily. I am waiting for my son to communicate that he is really "OK". My sadness just will NOT go away. I am glad but also saddened that there are others that understand.

Permalink Reply by Julie Coleman on July 17, 2011 at 6:10pm

Everyone tells me the same thing "She's in a better place"..but like you. There is no better place for a child than to be with their family. My Jessica left me too soon and so unexpectedly. They think it makes us feel better to tell us that I guess. I also am waiting for my daughter to communicate with me to tell me she's ok but so far she has only gone to her older sister and told her she was. I dream about her so much but in alot of my dreams she don't even know me. How can she NOT know who I am??!! She'll look right at me like I'm a stranger. Other dreams she don't know what has happened to her. I had one when she was only 2 and she was sitting on my lap bouncing around and giggling wearing her cute little green and white sundress that she loved and she looked at me and smiled and said " Mommy this is the best time ever I don't ever want it to end..I love you mommy" Oh God how do we keep from going insane??? Someone please tell me!!

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 20, 2016 at 5:29am

Sadly, I joined this club September 14, 2015. My beautiful daughter, Rebecca, went into cardiac arrest following severe dehydration. She collapsed and upon falling developed swelling on her brain and was in a coma for 10 days prior to taking her last breath. Rebecca was my first born and my best friend. We were soul sisters, connecting on such a deep level. Her birthday is coming up this Friday. The sadness rips through my very bring every second of the day. My faith and my beautiful family keep me going. I wrote the following poem, I would like to share.
Happy Birthday Rebecca,

Rebecca.....My beautiful angel, your birthday is around the corner. How you loved to celebrate life.... Now, we are left to celebrate without you. How shall we celebrate the life of such a vibrant, happy and energetic woman, who passed years before her time? How can we continue to go on knowing your bubbling smile will no longer avail? Your life is too precious to let pass through the night. We will celebrate your life with tears of joy.... We will celebrate with cake and balloons, music and cheer. We will celebrate you.... Your beauty... Your love... Your sincerity.... I was blessed to carry you for 9 months within my womb and today I carry you in my heart. You were my first born... The love of my life.... My dear friend..... Your memory lives on through each and every person you've ever come in contact with. Your warmth, concern and love, emanated through your beautiful smile. My heart will forever remain broken, but within the cracks I know you lie and will remain forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with each of us as we travel this painful road. I wish none of us had to be here, but I'm grateful we have each other to help carry ya through the pain.

Permalink Reply by Michelle H on June 20, 2016 at 8:41am

Lisa, I'm sorry your lovely daughter is not here on earth for you to celebrate her birthday with you. Wishing you peace and a special feeling of connection with her every day.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 6:54pm

Greetings Maria. That's what is good about this site, we can all understand. The major part of my torment is imagining the fear, anger and the pain my son must have experienced during the process of him losing his battle. I always imagine him crying, it's really bad.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 7:02pm

 

  

Poem about suffering a loss 

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 8:20pm

This poem felt as though I wrote it myself. When I read it, I thought, wow, someone feels like I do.

Permalink Reply by Kelly on December 12, 2010 at 4:46pm

I also feel like I wrote this myself if I could ever get my thoughts to slow down enough to put to paper...today is 40th day without my Taylor...we are having a candle lighting for her at the memorial at her school at 7pm lighting a candle in memory of child you lost today is Worldwide Candle lighting at 7pm

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Kolve on August 22, 2011 at 3:03pm

Hi Kelly. I am so sorry!!! I will be praying with you and will light a candle tonight for Taylor. Hugs to you!!!

Permalink Reply by Rhiannon Marie Kawaihi'ilani on May 29, 2013 at 2:12am

Wow. How incredible. It's so hard to put into words how it feels and how we need the people around us to be- this was perfect. The more I read the more my heart ached, it hit home.

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