Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on March 28, 2016 at 7:52am

Hello Deborah,

So sorry for loss, I too am suffering everyday since losing my Husband to cancer three years ago. Everyday is still effort to carry on. All I can do it is wait until the day I can join him again.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 28, 2016 at 4:01pm

Hi Linda,
So sorry for your loss too. I do believe we will seem them again that is the only way that I can get through the day. All three of my children know that I need to be with him they just ask that it is no sooner than it has to be.

Permalink Reply by Robin Quinn on March 28, 2016 at 5:21pm

It's so hard learning to live without the love of your life.  I was married for 29 years, almost 30.  It's been 58 days and it still hurts like the day he left me.  Nothing means anything anymore, if it wasn't for my kids and grandkids, I would have given up already.  Night is the worse, being alone in a bed that you shared for that many years.  My husband always said, when it's your time, it's your time.  I hate that it was his time because he was only 53 and i keep thinking life isn't fair.  I know he would say, there's a reason for everything and in time you will know why this happened.  Until then, I wait for signs from him that he's around and watching over me.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 29, 2016 at 3:12pm

I agree nothing means anything anymore. If it hadn't been for my kids trying to help I don't know what I would have done, well I do but I could never tell them that. Night is the worst the bed seems so empty, cuddling his pillow doesn't help. My daughter said has said when it's your time that's it there is nothing you can do about it. I had a car crash 20 years ago and died three times but they bought me back so she said it wasn't your time you were sent back to look after her, her two brothers and Andy my husband because he wouldn't be able to cope without me but I am expected to cope without him twenty years later that's not fair I wish I'd gone then I would not have to deal with the horrific pain of losing the man that I have ever truly loved.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on May 15, 2016 at 12:18pm

OMG. Your story is a mirror image of mine. I have same questions, but sorry no answers. I feel completely lost, not sure where I'm going or what to do next. Should I run away from where we were suppose to have a beautiful life together (out of site , out of mind) or fight through everyday till it gets better. There are so many questions and NO answers to any. I just keep telling myself take it hour by hour, day by day. Leave it in Gods hands, that's what my mom keeps telling me, but it's so HARD. I'm Also hoping to make it better for my 11 year old. His father was his HERO, and he asks me WHY almost every day. Sorry to ramble on, but if you get an answer please share. With peace to all. Vic

Permalink Reply by stewart p on May 15, 2016 at 1:03pm

Surprise in your self and your strength you didn't know you had.  You are doing it, exactly as you describe are many of those moments I remember those first several weeks, months, year?  Sometimes even still again here and there every once in a while though not every day thank God. 

You do what you must to get through the day, sleep, watch tv, go for a walk, cry, eat, sleep, watch tv, go for a walk, try riding a bike or swimming, talk with someone.  Rinse and repeat day after day, and eventually, hopefully you get so damn tired and worn out eventually you step outside and you tell yourself your going to do something youve been wanting to do, maybe something you always wanted to do but never did or haven't done in years, and you go try it, treat yourself for the day and realize that was kind of fun.  Then you go home and find out your still alone and on and on it goes.  But eventually you might go out and do something you enjoy more often and you realize how blessed and fortunate for the simplest things like breathing, and how unlike most of those whose path you cross each day who have no clue what it means to be able to look up and see the sky.  You have now earned new wonderful insight that you have painfully paid a price for.  Then you go home and same old same old, but maybe a little less frequently, a little less intense sometimes, and with time you learn how to deal, or control these emotions, how to navigate your stages of grief and hopefully, or at least i hope still reassemble some sort of life that is a least interesting enough worth still doing, though no long am I under the illusion I once was as a neophyte to the idea of life and death.  For those who lose a spouse or a child I believe the moment is reached that you become fully awake to the fact that this is all finite and for some of us that is one of the biggest shocks to our system.  And of course in all this each day, every day the memory of my wife is a constant in my mind, Ive simply had to learn how to live with that.  I cant change it, I cant hide from it, ignore it, pretend it doesn't  exist or matter, but out of shear exhaustion Ive simply resigned myself to living with it on my mind daily, and now how to navigate through the days one by one.  And on the rare occasions the grief flares up in full just go with it, blow off the day as much as you can and remind yourself its ok, you did lose a part yourself, and just be easy on yourself.  with time those days are fewer and fewer and im not sure its because they are less intense or maybe we just become more accustomed to those sorts of days and we can just live them easier now. But eventually you find strength in yourself you had no idea existed, the only sad part then is I wish my wife was here for me to share it with her.  So in a way this becomes a tragedy but also an opportunity for immense personal growth.  How twisted is that? Just shows what a cruel place the world can be sometimes.

Please do not mistake this for suggesting in any way, shape or form that Im pretending its easy, its horrible.  And don't be afraid if your feeling really down, talk to someone who has experienced what your going through without the idea that we all should feel the same way.  look for the similarity instead of the differences.  I found a local bereavement group a great place to meet people when I felt like it to talk to who shared similar experiences and it does help.  I personally think drinking or using drugs or dating are very poor alternatives, they simply postpone the inevitable that a widow/widower must face, though I have met several who choose to use these techniques for now.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Stolp on May 19, 2016 at 3:21am

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on June 13, 2016 at 7:41am

Beautiful

Permalink Reply by stewart p on May 29, 2016 at 10:16pm

time spent on thinking about would of, should of or could of is time wasted indeed though i did it for a while myself until I read somewhere on one of these forums a host who addressed the should of, would of could of.  The thing he said and I adopted is that we did the best we could at the time with what we knew.  Of course its easy to sit here after the fact and look back and think of so many things we could of done differently.  Many of us do that all through out our lives, others call it Monday quarterbacking.  Hindsight is 20/20, and with such a traumatic loss is seems particularly insidious how we can become overcome with guilt and remorse.  But unless we intentionally caused the death then we should remind ourselves we did what we knew best to do at that time.  Sure, given a chance today we would do many things different perhaps, but that is as they say living in the past.

The past as it was suggested to me no longer exists, the future is not here either and therefore does not exist, only this present moment is real.  A quote from Dailia Lama suggests that if I am depressed it is because I am living in the past, if anxious living in the future and if at peace then living in the present.  While I still fall into the regular patterns of sadness, grief,loss etc. one thing that has begun to help tremendously is to catch myself at these moments and begin to look at more with an Existential view; in what way can I find something in this tragedy to help me grow spiritually?  If I continue to look at the loss as what I have lost I dont see anything beyond my despair and the sadness and depression only widen, but when I rise above it and begin to look at how I can grow as a human being from it some hope shines in. I know a lot of people wish to remain sullen in their sadness and grief, however I choose to honor my wife's life and death by beginning to realize the change it can have on my life when I begin to open that door.  In either case dwelling on the past is wasted energy and wont change anything and only make you feel worst, besides it doesn't exist any longer.  And if that doesn't convince me then I remind myself I am not God and what ever made me think I had power over who might live and die?

Permalink Reply by val on June 28, 2016 at 6:50am

Hi deborah , I to feel the same, mine passed last week, and every day is so hard and raw, i have to go back to work soon and im a retirement schem manager and i live on site , so its in my face every day, they just keep on , every time i go out someone says they are sorry , its like a rcord and i just want to scream and say why wasnt it you to some of them as sadly they are not all nice people and he was, I know tahts nasty and not really me , but im so nagry hes gone .........he never complained , new it was coming and we had an extra few months and it was at home , which im now not so sure was good, as i see him on bathroom floor every time i go in there , everything in my home is ours , not mine and so many memories , it consumes you . the mornings are my worse  time as its so quiet and empty and i coudl usually hear his raspy breathing in the other room(neck cancer) and i fidn im laying there listening for it in the mad hope he socme back ...insane but thats what greif doe s,,,

keep in touch as i think we are on a similer path and it may help us both xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on June 29, 2016 at 6:13am

Hello Deborah,

I lost my wonderful husband to colon cancer 3 years ago. I still miss him terribly but the grief is not as bad. My brokenheart will never mend. I still a shrink to help me get through life without him.

The house was so empty without him, so after a year I rescued my beautiful dog, Babie J, she has really helped with the pain and loss in my life.

Permalink Reply by Carolyn Byrum on July 3, 2016 at 9:48pm

I lost my husband of 34 years my heart is broken like you my sweetheart was my life. I do not know if I will ever feel whole again. At least my daughter has a small business and she says I'm the only one she trusts to help her. But like you it seems people try and take advantage of your grief. I just wish I would stop crying when someone mentions his name. Wish I could hug you but know your heart break is shared not that Would help you feel better.
An older woman gave me some life advice. "Do not make any important decisions till you can gather yourself together" she said watch for people who try and take advantage of your pain
Please take care and know there are people who care. I only lost my sweet heart on June 7

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