I get so angry at myself, at the whole situation!!! I'm so tired and angry for feeling this way over and over!! there are days where I'm OK, and then all of a sudden I'm reliving his death all over again! It's a living hell!! Just as I start to feel a little peace, I'm pulled right back to this hellish nightmare!! I know it's only been six weeks, but having this yo-yo effect is torture! I've come to acknowledge that he's gone and I will never see him or hear his voice again, I know that! (I'll never accept it!!!) but I know he's gone forever, and my life will never be the same. I hate this empty feeling, the void! I just want to let go and live a happy and peaceful life.

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In our lives we get very used to getting through things at a pretty rapid pace. Nothing will ever approach the extreme shakiness of what we now perceive as life.  Nothing is certain, stable or understood.  Its a different place we live now, just like you said………"my life will never be the same."

Flora,

The emptiness just seems to go on and on.  I lost my sweet love just two months ago.  This from my journal:

 I feel lost, waiting for my Mary Kay to walk in the door, or call on the phone.  Then I just sit here and bawl my eyes out.  There is no escape from the pain.  I ask God to have mercy on me.

Two months my sweet darling Mary Kay has been gone.  She was my everything on this earth.  I am lost, adrift, no destination, no motivation, just existing in a sea of pain, despair and anguish. 

Today, exhausted as usual.  I feel a change today - it is hitting home that my sweet Mary Kay is gone from this earth, never to return.  I am left with figuring out how I am going to exist without her.  Nothing good about this. 

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it.  Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past  withdraws."  -  Author unknown.

 

yep no fealin im so mad it evry thng iv bean put thru sien 2012 sinse 2112 u cud say loss/loses mest me up ilnes mest me up 

so sorry 2 hear abot yore lss 2

I was so moved by your post, Flora. When I suffered a heartbreaking loss of a loved one several years ago I experienced those same feelings. But I happened to read a brochure (When Someone You Love Dies) that helped me to understand that anger is a part of the grieving process just as is sadness, disbelief, denial and shock. Please don't be too hard on yourself - six weeks is not a very long time to come to grips with such a monumental loss. And though it is true that after a death of a loved one, our lives do change in unexpected and sometimes unwanted ways,that brochure helped me to appreciate that our dead loved ones are not gone forever. God has promised to undo death by means of a resurrection and to reunite us with our loved ones again. This promise has brought me comfort and hope. I hope that in time you will find some comfort in that promise as well. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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