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Permalink Reply by morgan on February 28, 2016 at 5:27pm

Mel,

I wish I could help you but I barely get through a day helping myself and unfortunately after three years I still have no answers.  All I do is stagger my way through each day taking baby steps. I try to distract, distract, distract and wait for the next breakdown because of that I am guaranteed.  

I am taking these baby steps because I breathe.  Because unfortunately I breathe and for whatever reason the universe has it in for me and in its wisdom(?) will not allow me to take my leave.  I wish for it everyday. Everyday I don't want to have to open my eyes to the light because I know I have to get through another day.  Truth is, everyday I want to kill myself and every day I don’t have the courage to do it.  It's so painful.  It is so useless.  So meaningless.  And so I end up breathing again one more day.

 

Yesterday and today I am putting off eating until later so all I have is one meal hoping that if I continue to try and starve myself that it will break down enough of my body's chemistry so something happens to me.  I have tried over the past three years to harm my body through not enough food or food that might harm me.  Like I never used to use salt and now I use it constantly.  Sugar the same.  Fried food makes me nauseous so I stay way from that.

I also find myself continually being anxious and nauseous.  The anxiety is worse at night especially before climbing into bed knowing I am going in there alone.  And the nausea can hit me about anytime.  I can’t seem to pinpoint the cause but it is really horrible.  

I ask my husband constantly to “please help me”.  To come and get me.  I ask him doesn't he see how hard this is and why am I being made to suffer like this?  All I want is to leave this hell on earth.  Is it possible that something beyond here is actually worse than this?   Really?  I am somehow supposed to feel as though I have something left to accomplish or contribute so I am being left her to discover what that is?  Really?  In my state of mind I am supposed to find some joy in living without him?  

Sorry, I have sort of rambled my way through a response and made it all about me but the words "help me" just called for me to type my way through my own feelings.  

I hate where I am and I hate where we all are, having to share in this misery of losing the one person who made our lives worth living.  Now we are supposed to go on…….for what? Since day one I have asked that question……someone needs to give me one good reason why I should be made to go on without my husband.  No one yet has been able to give me an answer so I definitely hear you when you wrote those two little words……..”help me”………I wish I could.  Everyday I want to have the courage to help myself out of this living nightmare……

morgan

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on February 29, 2016 at 5:05am

Thanks Morgan,

As always, your replies help lift me out of the pit and I feel truly blessed to have the members of this amazing group of special individuals give me counsel and support. You have "helped me"and may you also find the help we all are seeking as we travel along this lonely dark path with seemingly no end in sight. Thank you again and God bless you. 

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Permalink Reply by Alin Tooby on March 1, 2016 at 8:51pm

Dear Mel,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know it is difficult to lose someone whom you love so dearly. There is no pain quite like it. Although I cannot take your pain away, I would like to tell you that I admire your love for your bride and have a feeling that she is watching over you and waiting to see you smile again. I can imagine that nothing is the same as it used to be. Perhaps you should find a new place. One you have never been too. Take a walk through a new park or find a nice bench some where that you can sit and enjoy the universe. Maybe sit at a bus stop and check out the different characters going about their day. Try to enjoy the universe. She will always be a part of it. Keep your chin up. Blessings to you, dear friend.

Sincerely,

Alin

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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on March 2, 2016 at 3:47am

Thank You so much Alin,

I know this walk we are all taking is not a static one. It changes, not just day to day, but minute by minute, even second by second.  At my age, I have also lost both parents and a step daughter, The loss of Conley, my stepdaughter, was particularly hard on Nancy and she never got over it. I'm sure it was a large factor in her having a stroke a little over a year later. There is so much I wish i would have done over the last 3 years but knowing that can't be done, I rest some nights with the peace of knowing how much we loved each other. Again, thank you for your thoughts and support. It is this group, it's strength in numbers that helps me keep on keeping on.  God Bless You.

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Permalink Reply by Hollowed on March 11, 2016 at 12:28pm

Mel,

You sound like a dedicated person and I can tell by your words as those are the words I would use to describe my pain as well.  I've cried so much even at 2-3 am.  My tears fell on the bible I've left on top of my wife's pillow.  This morning I woke up, those tears have dried up and left behind the salty residue.

I described my experience to let you know I feel the exact pain you are feeling for Nancy.  At times, I am also afraid I can't make it through as my loss only been 3 months.

I've been searching for a different job because I am scared to stay here even 1 extra day as it's also where my wife worked at.  I've cried and panic by just looking at a job posting as I wondered to myself, what have my life come to since my wife.  I've never thought about leaving here as we wanted to grow our career here with our current company.  The disconnect between planned future and reality is so big that it's unreal or unacceptable.

Not only I am feeling hopeless and emptiness, but I've also been living senselessly without my young and beautiful wife.  I hope you can find the strength to get through.  I hope each one of us here can give each other some kind of comfort through our simple connections on here.  I hope the best for all of us.  I hope that peace can start to fill our hearts more often.

Hollowed

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