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Death of my wife, my everything
My wife died 5 days ago.
We were together 26 years and 1 month, to the day.
My only job was to take care of her as she had an autoimmune disease which beat her up.
We were surviving on her disability for a short time while in the process of moving into a new state and house, we just started making new friends, while raising our twins.
Now I am in a basement at their grandmother's house, have no income, no money, no job, and 2 houses to empty and 2 children to raise.
The twins have bronchitis and I have strep.
I cannot eat or sleep.
I feel guilt and sadness.
I only stopped crying constantly today.
I am sick, exhausted, sad, angry, feeling guilty, and disgusted with myself.
I should have taken better care of her.
I should have done better in the crisis moment.
We were together 26 years and 1 month, to the day.
My only job was to take care of her as she had an autoimmune disease which beat her up.
We were surviving on her disability for a short time while in the process of moving into a new state and house, we just started making new friends, while raising our twins.
Now I am in a basement at their grandmother's house, have no income, no money, no job, and 2 houses to empty and 2 children to raise.
The twins have bronchitis and I have strep.
I cannot eat or sleep.
I feel guilt and sadness.
I only stopped crying constantly today.
I am sick, exhausted, sad, angry, feeling guilty, and disgusted with myself.
I should have taken better care of her.
I should have done better in the crisis moment.
Views: 712
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jason on
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Thank you, Peggy. Unfortunately, there was so much I could have done to save her.
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'Beg for foregiveness' and 'wouldn't even bother to try and stay' are spot on. Thank you Monica.
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Today was an angry morning.
I slept well for a few hours then felt guilty about it.
Those morning sleepless hours before having to get up are sheer horror.
I relive those dark moments every time there is quiet.
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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on
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Jason,
My most heartfelt condolences on your loss as well. I lost my wife, suddenly and unexpectedly this past year. She had suffered a stroke in 2013. The guilt was the thing that drove my despair in the first few months. Did I give her the wrong medications, did I not care for her correctly. She wouldn't eat toward the end and began losing her memory. As her almost exclusive caregiver, I blamed myself for all this. However, now almost 10 months out from her death, I'm beginning to realize that I did the best I could, under the circumstances and, although, I miss her with every fiber of my being, I am less prone to blame myself for her death. It simply took some time for me to refocus on my loss and although, every day has rough moments, I find I can remember the good times and smile through the memories. May you find this peace and comfort as well. God Bless and take care.
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Permalink Reply by joanne on
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I'm so sorry for your loss, I think we all carry a sense of guilt in us that we should have saved the person we love, I have them thoughts daily. I hope you and your children start to feel well again soon, I send you all big hugs x
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Permalink Reply by FLORA on
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Jason, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too have quilt over losing the love of my life. If I had only stayed with him that night, could I have done something??? that will haunt me forever!!!! I lost him suddenly a little over two weeks ago, We're still not sure what caused it, so now we have to wait for the toxicology reports, to see if they show any cause??? I try and keep busy to keep my mind off of him, but it's so very hard!!! I have the support of my family and friends to keep me going, and I get comfort reading the different post and receiving the comments. It's nice to know that others do understand and they do care.
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Yes, FLORA, I agree. I found this website during one of my darkest hours. It is probably the only reason I am still alive.
My wife too has 'cause pending' even after an autopsy. 8 to 12 WEEKS for findings!
I worry too that she suffered as they worked on her and was scared in her final moments.
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Im sorry for you wife's loss...You are not to blame yourself...no matter how much you feel guilt, realize you could not do more for her, that you did not know....It sounds like you loved her beyond...but this is the time to remember her life the positives, what made you fell in love w/ her...what kept you guys going...It's hard, but take those memories and share them with your children...even, if they are small, hold on to those memories, because your kids will want to hear them...eventually...everyone grieves in their own way...Im not sure about your spiritual background...but an audio book that helped me: Grieving God's Way.....It really helped me through my dad's death (2013) and re read it when my husband passed 2/23/15...keeping your mind busy works...Pinterest quotes on grief or even self motivational speakers on grief on youtube helps too...just to keep the mind busy...just some suggestions that helped me...and of course, TALKING..TO ANYONE...my kids make fun of me, but IDC, cuz it helps me get through...between the store clerks (7-11, del taco, save mart, complete strangers in line), idc...if they ask how Im doing...I just unload if I need to...lol..and I always tell them at the end...even if it's a 2 minute conversation..."thank you for listening...I needed it...bless you"...that ususally helps me w/ the awkwardness of me....
I just want you to know, you are not alone...we in this grief community are here for you ;)
Its been a little over a year for me, and my husband had depression - which ultimately led to alcoholism and downhill from there...He had gastro by pass to improve his life over 12 years ago...which during that time, felt like a huge new life for us...but in the end, the depression kicked his butt and his body just couldn't handle it. My children during that time, 17 (senior year) and 14 (freshman), had a bout of emotions, between anger, sadness, relief, happy, etc...We have worked through some of the anger of the disease...because no matter what we did, it was ultimately the BODY that just depleted...
I say that the BODY part, because no matter what, I feel him around...whether it is a song, a bird, a sign...just know your wife's spirit will always be around you... maybe not the body, but her loving you will be there... and if you feel like hurting yourself or just not getting up... there are always people that "get your feelings" ... just reach out... :) Bless you my friend :)
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Thank you, Michelle. I will look up the audio book.
I like your clerk and shopper therapy - the thank you line must stun some people, not used to being thanked for not running away.
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I am scared today.
I was doing required paperwork and I joked a little with the nice woman behind the counter in between tearing up.
I was very, very angry at times today, yelling and cursing myself out.
But now, I feel no hurt, no anger, no pain - nothing. I am not angry or crying or sad or anxious. This is scary, no?
Did I not love my wife enough to be sad for a whole week?
Have I already forgiven myself?
I don't deserve to be forgiven yet!
Shouldn't I still be sad, or crying?
Is this the numb that people speak of?
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