Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Margie S. on January 6, 2016 at 1:06pm

Margie, you are not alone.  I have been going through the same thing.  I lost my mom on October 8.  Iam still feeling empty. It is really hard.  At the beginning I started doing things for my mom.  I printed a lot of pictures from my phone and created an album of her.  I made a movie with all the videos and some pictures.  I have her picture next to my bed and I talk with her every day and every night before going to sleep.  I touch her picture, kiss her picture too.    I understand your feelings very well.  We all do.  Do what your mother wanted you to do, whatever it is.  She is looking at you from Heaven.  Take care of yourself.  

Permalink Reply by Kris Baclawski on January 6, 2016 at 2:42pm

Hi Margie:

Your post really hits home for me.   I lost my mom (named Marge) unexpectedly 4 years ago after she underwent emergency surgery for a bowel bleed-out and suffered a massive stroke 12 hours post op.  Thinking back, your description is very similar--like a slow motion movie with distortions of time and visuals.  All-in-all, a horrific nightmare.  I remember saying to my sister a few hours after Mom passed that I felt as if I'd been sucker punched.  She didn't seem to understand.  I remember floating through the days of planning her funeral which was delayed for 5 weeks because some of the family lives abroad.  What I was grateful for was the support of my dearest friend and distant cousin who had lost both of his parents in the space of 6 weeks.  Another dear friend was a rock as well.  Both were terrific sounding boards--allowing me to say anything, to cry, to cuss, and even to laugh.

I am wondering if you need to talk about and share your feelings and sense of loss.  I had my 2 friends, my younger sister, and my own training as a counselor.   Perhaps, you can contact your minister or the Cancer Society or a social worker attached to a hospital locally for referrals to counseling or a support group.  Part of what was helpful for me was co-authoring my Mom's obituary...and giving part of Mom's eulogy.  

Anger is not an uncommon response to people wanting to "help".  It's just that death and dying is so very much an uncomfortable subject that what some people are actually saying, "What can I do to help you?"  It can be a very loving gesture and one that will help you and them during the time of your loss.  This could mean for you to take them up on an offer to take the kids for an overnight, go out for coffee, prepare a meal to bring over, walk the dog, or pick up groceries, etc. 

Some other suggestions might be to keep a journal about your feelings and writing about your mom.  If your relationship with your dad is good--keep in touch as he is experiencing a great loss as well. 

I can tell you that 4 years later I still very much miss my mom, but most of memories are good ones--not of the hospital experience.   You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.   --Kris

   

Permalink Reply by Megan on January 7, 2016 at 10:18am

Margie, I am so sorry for your loss. There is not anything that we can say to make you feel better. I can only tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way and it is completely normal. I lost my mother in June and both myself and my sister feel the same as you - we lost our best friend, the one person who loved us absolutely unconditionally. My sister and her husband even had an argument regarding this and we tried to explain to him that he couldn't possibly understand until it happened to him. The first few months are like a blur. When something like this happens unexpectedly it can be extremly difficult to come to terms with. Its hard to imagine the rest of life without her. If you need to talk we are here. xx