Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jeff Carrillo on November 6, 2015 at 9:16pm

Thank you for the kind words.

I'm am sorry for your loss as well.

I know i'll never be the same, We matched perfectly in everything we did.

I know i was lucky to have found my true soulmate and have to relish in the memories of all the times we had,good and bad. because that's what made us, us.

I too worry about never being able to enjoy things.

The first 4 days i did nothing but clean and threw away things i had collected thinking i would use it one day... out it went,because I thought i would never enjoy it when the time came.

It's just so hard to live. we had a mental bond that even went into the psychic realm where i would buy things at the store after work and when i got home she said it's the exact stuff she was going to tell me to buy but had forgotten to text me.

We texted and called each other often. I love you's and such..so much so i keep wondering why my phone isn't beeping.

I would sometimes goto the bathroom at work just to text her hi and i love you quite a bit.

It's just to hard.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 6, 2015 at 9:31pm

Dear Jeff,

welcome.

Warmly.

Please accept condolences for your loss; your wife sounds so lovely, so dear to you.

My broken heart goes out to you.

Tenderly and with the greatest of care and kindness.

Permalink Reply by Jeff Carrillo on November 6, 2015 at 9:33pm

Thank you for the welcome.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 7, 2015 at 8:48am

I threw away many of my own things. Things I was holding onto because I planned to get to them someday, things that would be useful or enjoyable. When D died, I got rid of all of it. I felt my future die.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 7, 2015 at 11:32am

I was screaming and crying and driving one morning. I felt as if I heard him ask me "would you stay here alone without me, if I asked you to?"

It stopped my tears, as if I'd really heard him, as if he were really there with me. I said "yes, of course, if you asked me to." Out loud. Then I thought why? Why do you have to ask me to? This is so bitter and so cruel. Why is this the way things are?

All of life now seems unreal to me. The only thing that seems really real to me is the love between me and D. It's still there.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 7, 2015 at 11:47am

I was at work when D passed at home in August. Medical teams and police arrived before me.

I was not allowed inside my home.

I was in shock I was insane, but D was inside, dead, and I was crazed with the need to hold him in my arms.

It was dark by the time the medical examiner was done. I had been sitting outside my house for hours while it grew dark. A police person was stationed with me to keep me from going inside.

The medical examiner let me see D, but she would not let me touch him.

I needed to hold him. It feels like a scream is starting inside my body and burning the insides of my arms, because of how I need to hold him.

I did not hold him again until his ashes were placed in my arms over a week later.

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on November 21, 2015 at 1:24am

Jeff

I'm so sorry that you've become a member of this club that none of us wants to be in. I lost my amazing husband of 38 years on April 1 to cancer. We have been together since I was 19. We also worked together, so my whole life was wrapped up in him and our kids. I know how blessed we were, you and I, and others here, to have found our true soul-mate. I just don't know who I am without him. So many people have said that it was never just Jim or Sara, it was always Jim and Sara. And truly, my husband was a remarkable man. The woman that did his service said that she had heard many times that the deceased person was "larger than life", but with my husband it was the first time that she believed it. When he walked into a room, he was the one that everyone wanted to hang out with, to talk to.

Most times I miss him so much that it's hard to breathe. I'm jealous of people who say that they feel their loved ones close, because I just don't. I wish that I had a stronger faith, this would be so much easier if I knew that someday we would be together again, but I just don't know. I guess the only advise I can give you is to do things in YOUR time. Don't let anyone push you or talk you into doing anything that you aren't ready to do. Take it slow, and walk away and cry when you need to. We are here to listen.

Permalink Reply by Joanne on November 28, 2015 at 7:04pm

Hi Jeff, I'm so sorry for your pain and loss I also lost my wonderful husband on June 11th to suicide. My husband was on a antibiotic for 10 months he had so many horrible side effects he was only 40 I miss him so much he's always on my mind and in my heart forever

Permalink Reply by Lauri on December 14, 2015 at 3:32pm

Hi Jeff, I'm so very sorry, I understand completely, I lost my husband of 24 years in October. We were soul mates as well, did everything together, and never wanted to be apart. We even worked together, driving truck cross country. I am completely lost and devastated! Life seems pointless now, as I have no kids. My family tries to be supportive, but they just don't understand. I wish I had an answer for you, as I'm trying to figure this mess out myself! My whole world was my husband, he was my everything. There are just a million cute little things that remind you of them in a day, that makes it hard to carry on. There are a couple things that have helped a little, going to church again, hadn't gone in a long time, and talking with my husband's brother. He is my angel, don't know what I would do without him. Hopefully you have one person in your life you can bare your soul to, that helps tremendously!

Permalink Reply by Dee Smith on December 26, 2015 at 1:25am

I am so sorry for your loss and foe your daughter 's loss as well. Maybe there is supprt there for you as well_ thanks for reaching out!

Permalink Reply by Nicole M on January 21, 2016 at 4:17pm

Jeff I am so sorry to hear of your devastating loss and the very hard road you an your daughter will have to travel without your wife. I lost my husband suddenly off a heart attack 10 months ago he died at home at 38 infant of our 4 year old daughter and 5 month old son. I worked on him trying to bring him back but he passed , but not without telling me he loved me first.  I am 32 years old and the past months have been such a blur, I too would not of survived if I didn't have to get up for my children . Sending you lots of love and well wishes for your journey, 

Nicole

Permalink Reply by Jane Lock on January 23, 2016 at 7:47pm

Hello,

It is this community that really really knows the pain and sadness called grief that does not compare to any other life experience. I lost my dear husband of 25 years last June. I am still crying every day, although it is not the same now as in the first few months. I think we all develop habits that make us attached to the grief because this still feels like some kind of attachment to the person, not that this is a decision. I still cannot believe that this happened to me. It was very sudden and shocking. I have 3 young adult kids who live with me, and they were very very close to their Dad, but they are doing better than I am. They love each other very much, and do spend part of the day laughing and joking with each other. They all had some kind of therapy, and I only spoke to someone twice because I did not feel it helped. I felt that I had to take responsibility for my work at acceptance, meditation, making projects to finish, and finding peace. I am also working at forgiving friends and family who have disappeared when I needed them most. My husband was the only person, other than my kids, to truly love me and protect me. Now it is just me and the kids, and of course, I live for them. They have dragged me out of my hell, and remind me every day how much they need me, so I keep trying. I was busy on this journey in life, always thinking about the future, and now I just try to get through each day, and find one moment of beauty in it.I think that is the major change, that I expected more reasons to be ok and happy before this; now, if there is one moment that I get a big hug from my kids, or I see one beautiful thing, the day is complete. I also found that writing to my husband with the things I want to tell him, has helped a lot. I also write letters that I never send to family members who have been ignorant, absent, not understanding, because of course, I would not have the strength to tell them anything negative and it wouldn't change their ways. I always told my husband that he had to take care of himself, because I could not live without him, so my worst nightmare came true, and of course I have to live. No choice. I hope that you find comfort, peace, some sweet thoughts each day to pull you through. Sending hope and love.

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