Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bill Smith on December 5, 2015 at 12:05am

Very sorry for your loss.  Everyone differs so there are diff ways to help people to varying degrees to get through it.....for me it varies as well.  

Generally speaking about getting through the days.....staying as busy as possible, for one...in other words, whether literally or figuratively, "keep moving."  That doesn't mean you have to do anything amazing or hard or even constructive (though it's great if you can), but do SOMETHING.  Even something as simple as watching a movie you're genuinely interested or engaging in a hobby, or taking a walk, doing volunteer work, getting together with others if you're lucky enough to have people in your life who are understanding enough and caring enough to reach out, or at least to be there if YOU reach out.  Also consider seeing a grief counselor and/or joining such groups that should be in or near your area.  These all can help.  Also think of things you have traditionally done that helped when you were feeling down as they might help now.  

The holidays though are uniquely hard.  Bottom line do what works for YOU and not what others THINK you should do.  If it means getting out, do it.  If it means you just want to close the doors and curl up in bed with a book (or the TV, or nothing but the covers), DO IT.  If it means pigging out on a quart of haagen dazs, DO IT!  Of all the times in your life to "spoil yourself" or put yourself first, this is absolutely THE time to do that.  Again, whatever helps.

Best of luck to you. 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 5, 2015 at 12:57am

dnt no ansr onlt thng i im doin wish is nt grt drink 2 blot it 

xmas day im dredin

Permalink Reply by Lisa James on December 5, 2015 at 6:10am

I am in the same boat as you.Lost my husband to cancer in March.Good thing was he said I love you when he passed away.I supported him through his battle with cancer.I know he is no longer in pain and said he will be there as angel looking down

Permalink Reply by valerie cox on December 5, 2015 at 9:55am

Anita, i lived with my mom my whole life i am 53, and my mom died october 10th. I am devastated also. I have alot of anxiety, and my mom always helped me with it, now she is gone and my 2nd worst fear after losing her is to lose a tooth, and right after she died i got a infection and they have to pull the tooth i am so depressed right now, i dont know what to do. She did tell me if she wasnt here for christmas to take the money i was going to buy her something with and to buy my self something nice from her, and i have done that. Is it possible that someone else can do the christmas dinner this year? can you ask your family for help this yr planning? It all feels like a nightmare to me. Life is not normal right now, your grieving, its not normal for me either, and i am severely depressed too. We just have to do the best we can reach out to people to talk, and pray. I am so sorry for your loss, i know how it feels when the person who was there for everything, and comforted you, isnt there now, i am still in shock over my mom. I feel myself isolating more and more. I am afraid of christmas this yr, i always told her she was my present. I dont think you have to pretend that life is normal right now.

Permalink Reply by valerie cox on December 5, 2015 at 9:57am

I forgot to say that, i keep thinking of the suffering of my my also, it is just so hard.

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on December 5, 2015 at 12:46pm

Anita

I understand so much how you feel. My husband died on April 1st, and I am so dreading Christmas and New Years. They are both huge family get togethers for us. I have spent the last 38 Christmas with my guy and every New Years Eve. I don't know how to do it without him. I have been trying to get out some of my Christmas decorations, but I feel guilty even moving pictures of him to put up my Christmas pictures. And I have pillows and blankets with his pictures on them, and I feel horrible moving them so that I can put out the Christmas ones. I convinced my daughter to take my granddaughter and spend Christmas in Disney World so that I don't have to fake it for her. But my son and my sister and her family will be here for Christmas morning. My daughter told me that her dad had her order something he wanted me to have a couple of weeks before he died and she is going to give it to my sister to give me on Christmas but she told her to make sure that I am alone when I open it, so I'm guessing that it will be something that will tear my heart open again. For many years we have had a big poker party at our house on New Years Eve because we wanted something that would be fun for our kids and make them want to be at home instead of out running around on New Years so we knew they were safe, how do we do it without him? My husband truly was "larger than life", he was the one everyone wanted to talk to and be with when he walked into the room, his not being here is always looming so large over every time we are together. Most days I still miss him so much that I can't breathe. But...I know that he would be so disappointed in me, and sad if we didn't have our celebrations. I'm going to try and fill the day by watching some old family movies of Christmas when he was with us, but I don't know if I can pull that off either. Like you...I'm just lost without him.

Permalink Reply by Anita Jeffery on December 5, 2015 at 3:10pm

I wish that I could come up with some special, magical words to comfort everyone here.  What I know at this point in my life is that you WILL get through this.  In the last 8 years I have lost my Dad from Parkinson's with Lewy Body dementia, which he had for several years.  Watching him go from a smart, loving, active person to someone who didn't have the ability to understand how to sit down in his recliner, but had to be helped was soul crushing.  In it's own way it was as difficult as someone dying of cancer.  However, I did not live near my parents, and my mother was his caregiver.  His death felt like it would destroy me.  He passed away in January, and that Christmas before and the one after were just extra "work" to me.  My heart just wasn't in it.   I am from a large family though and tried to keep up the traditions of the holidays.  I only have one son, but it always seemed worth it to decorate, bake, etc. for my husband and son.   A few years later, one of my younger brothers committed suicide.  It was a horrific thing to deal with, and despite having many siblings, my husband and I chose to go handle things to honor my brother.  He basically died of mental illness that was untreated.  That happened sometime in Oct. of that year.  So, of course again Christmas was very difficult.  Then, 3 1/2 years ago my mother died somewhat suddenly, and to this day I do not fully know the reason.  Because I don't live in the same state as my family, I was not asked whether I wanted her kept on life support until I arrived.  It was Easter Sunday, and I was desperately trying to get on a plane.   My husband was completely for me going and being there as soon as I could.  However, again my family of 8 brothers and one sister who is always left out of everything, became taken over with the issues of my mother's will and settling her estate.  By the end of it, I was speaking to not a single one of my siblings.  The greed and resentment took over.  This just about sent me over the edge...my mother and I had a special relationship and my husband and I were let's just say, living a better, more comfortable life...primarily due to my husband being a workaholic.  However, he loved his work, so I tried to always understand.  So for 2 years I grieved my mother.  It's hard to become an orphan, even in your fifties!  The end of the 2nd year my husband and I decided to by our "dream house".  We were able to pick out many beautiful things that we chose, and I finally started to come out of my mourning, and see that life was moving forward.  I wanted a happy life in the coming years with my husband and our son.  I didn't want to hold on to the grief any longer.  However, even now I don't speak with most of my family, and they chose not to come to my husband's funeral.  Then in January of 2014, after a period of some weight loss that we couldn't figure out, and having experienced quite a bit of back pain, my husband's doctor recommended he have a colonoscopy.  That was January 3rd...we knew that day that he had cancer.  The doctor who performed the colonoscopy came out to talk to both of us, and I knew something terrible was about to take over our lives.  After multiple tests, and already beginning to be in more pain, they diagnosed my husband of 32 years (we were together 34), with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.  I'm sure everyone here has there story of what it was like, how it felt, to find out that your loved one has cancer.  But for us, one of the most terrible types.  Only 5% of people diagnosed with it live over 1 year.  I think that the shock of it set in, and strangely helped me through the first weeks.   Anyway, I can't really tell you how last year unfolded for us.  It's so painful, and you hurt so much for your loved one that you almost have to try to remove all feeling from your daily routines.  Part of the difficulty was that my husband was at the height of his career, and fully involved in work until his diagnosis.  But he continued for about 6 months to believe he would eventually go back to work.  He chose to fight, despite the fact that it was very clear his doctors felt he was wasting his time.  Many people make the choice to not receive treatment at all with P.C.  It's terribly painful and the chemo brain is unrelenting.      I am telling you my story because from the first awful death, my father, to the last, most recent, my husband (and unfortunately just a few months ago our beloved 14 year old dog), I thought I couldn't possibly get through any of these events.  I don't think of myself as a particularly strong person, I don't have a great many close friends to support me, and I imagined I might just die from the intense grief.   But, I am still here.  The hardest thing has been that my husband died too young.  Six hours before his 59th Birthday on Dec. 28th of last year.  So now, I will always know I am in for a difficult time.  My mother's birthday was also on Dec. 6th, so December has become a series of land mines for me.  Knowing that my husband was in his last weeks, I put up the Christmas tree, and decorated.  I baked, though he was unable to eat any of it.  He lost 75 lbs throughout the year, and clearly people could tell he was near dying.  He never had hospice care, as I chose to take complete responsibility for his care.  I do know that we learned that our love for each other was beyond what most couples experience.  I think being a caregiver for your spouse can bring out the best, or the worst in a person.  I chose to be by his side as much as I could.  Yet, I knew I would eventually pay the price...I barely had a life of my own, and early this year, I realized how little I understand who I am.  This year, I've had to make decisions that I'm not really equipped to make, I've had to hire people to do things that my husband used to take care of, and daily I cry.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be able to stop.  But I've read, been told by my therapist (yes, therapy is good if you believe it will help you), and others that have lost their spouses that it's really OK to cry.  It's even OK to cry in front of your family members.  There is nothing wrong with showing them how much you loved your husband.  Tears can be very therapeutic.   I am also trying not to do things I am simply not feeling like doing for the sake of others.   Some people seem to think that I am doing better...this is in fact not true.  Every single day is a struggle just to get out of bed.   However, I have often reminded myself that there are only 2 things we can be sure of in life...and the main one is that we all will die.   Our society is based so much on always being positive, being happy, moving forward, and being successful that we seem to forget that we will all die.  If anything, I have thought and worried a great deal how it will be for me.  Will I be sick, will I have someone to care for me?  I often long to have it all over and be with my husband again.  However, the people who are around you love you too.  You need to help them to understand, and TELL them that you are not prepared to do the normal things that you have always done.  I have found most people, including my son really do seem to understand this.   I decided months ago to go on a cruise with an old friend.  Most everyone said, you deserve this.  You were there for everything, and you need to take care of yourself now.  I also decided, no Christmas tree this year for sure.  It feels strange, but allows me more time to grieve without everyone having expectations.  I decided that my son and I for the first time ever would NOT be at home this Christmas.  We are going to San Diego where the weather will be warm, and where I can see the Ocean.  I have always found being near the ocean to be very soothing and good therapy for me.   Also, my husband's best friend through his life and his small family live not far from there, so on the 24th we will head to their house to spend a few days.  The 28th and 29th will still be difficult.  I know it, and I'm trying to prepare others for it.  I know January with it's cold and nasty weather will be depressing.  But what we are experiencing and the things we choose to do in another way is a testament to the love we had for our husbands, mothers, wives, etc.   Whatever you do is OK.  There is no wrong way to get through this.   Let your family also be strong for you.  You will make it through.  I am actually new to this too, but I know that this is the way life works.  We see that people die every day when we watch the news.  It's a part of life, and all we can do is to honor our loved one by continuing on.   I apologize if I have taken up too much of your time, you may have even stopped reading by this point.  I have to say though, connecting with those who understand this terrible grief is helping me.  I know I'm not alone.  I may never have met you, but I can tell that if we sat and had this discussion face to face, we would end up crying and hugging, and that would help all of us.

Permalink Reply by morgan on December 5, 2015 at 2:29pm

I have to say that unfortunately the holidays are no longer a part of my calendar.  I need to avoid them at all costs.  The first year I was in Hawaii with a very good girlfriend who lives there and I was attempting to reconstruct my life there.  She was doing her best to help me do so.  (I had mentored here when she was a teen and she has never forgotten how it changed her life).  We went out to dinner, I had massages and I spent weeks helping her organize her life.  At the time it was what I needed to do because I thought it might help me and her.  I tried very hard to be a sport but she knew how much I was hurting so it was one small moment at a time and she reached out to me a lot. Spent hours crying.  After 32 years of our friendship I have backed away.  I cannot continue to torture her in her everyday life she needs to have while I am still tortured myself.  

THe second Xmas I was in MN (where I landed after selling and moving from our home in FL) and I spent the days leading up to and through the date of my husbands  death on January 21st crying and not moving from my house.  I couldn't go to any holiday celebrations.  My sister asked because she lives here (it's how I got here in the first place) but I declined.  I did go to one theater engagement an spent the whole time crying behind my scarf and that told me what I needed to do for the rest of the time. 

This year the crying started on Nov 21st.  I have been tucked into my house pretty much everyday since then.  I have pulled the plug on the last friend who was trying to "care" for me and so I have my sister left.  I don't want to go anywhere.  I am not in a frame of mind to celebrate.  In fact the very thought of it makes me sick so I am avoiding it.  The only place that it is hard to avoid is on TV so I either mute a commercial and stay clear of any programs that have the word in them.  I don't know how else to protect myself.  

I'm at a total loss now.  I don't know how I got to this point in time and I don't know how to go forward anymore.  I stay in my pajamas pretty much and drone out.  I don't drink, smoke or take any drugs so this is all just a natural reaction to how much I loved and was loved.  

So I will limp my way through the next 8 weeks and come here to see how everyone else is faring because it is the only way I know I am not crazy.  Not really crazy in my mind, just crazy in love.  In the meantime I can hope a way appears that shortens my time here.  It's all I really want for Xmas.  

Permalink Reply by Patrice Ball on December 28, 2015 at 6:20pm

I think you have a great attitude, Peggy! Thanks for sharing.

I am trying to say yes to all invitations, too, although I declined them in the first month. My husband died 10/17/2015, so it was a sad Thanksgiving & Christmas. I, too, find that people have low expectations but lots of willingness to love and support me.