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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 7, 2015 at 8:30am

My sleep Is ruined too, mostly from guilt. I just keep thinking about me and my Ma being stupid as to wait until morning! Between the two of us --TWO--people she still got no help. She really is gone because of us and that is horrifying. The mental anguish from knowing we didn't act well in an emergency that cost her life and our endless Grief is enough to make me just shoot myself. But I couldn't do that to my Ma. Maybe after she passes on, I will truly have nothing left then. I ignored every instinct I had and I don't know why. It's tormenting mentally and emotionally.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 7, 2015 at 7:05pm

It's the same for me, with sleeping and nightmares.  I can only sleep at all if I take either Benadryl or a sleeping pill.  For the entire first year after my husband died, every fucking morning I wok up crying and moaning, and that was what woke me. I don't hear from many other peope of that happening to them.

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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 8, 2015 at 4:53pm

Panic, anxiety, dread, shaking, bitterness, remorse, regret, and evil thunderous absent silence crashing in my ears which used to hear the music every morning of his dear precious breathing and his beautiful, rich voice. That is waking.

I use a sleep aid too. I keep hoping I don't wake up.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 8, 2015 at 5:19pm

Same here. Every night I wish I would just die quietly and painlessly as I sleep.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 8, 2015 at 6:14pm

The silence and loneliness...I don't know how I will make it. It's dreadful. I just sit in my bedroom thinking that me and my sis would be hanging out right now. Now it's just me and silence. It's a feeling of being locked up when I have nowhere to go, she's not there to go see and talk to. It's truly maddening.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 7, 2015 at 7:10pm

HollowHeart,

The "good" days, or what used to be or would have been good days, are horrible now, for exactly the reasons you said.  Days that I would have enjoyed in the past, mean absolutely fucking nothing now.  Or rather, they hurt, because my beloved is not here to share them with me, and so I don't want them, I don't even want them to exist.

I used to look forward to going home at the end of the day, because my sweetheart would be at home waiting for me and we would have dinner and watch tv and talk and make love and cuddle together and sleep.  Now there is none of that, and there never will be again, not in this life.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 8, 2015 at 9:20am

I can't understand the "man and woman" part, but I understand the memory thing. I don't want just memories. It just reminds me there will be no new memories, and it's not enough to just "remember the good times" like our favorite dance club is closing but we will still go on from that. I have never been in such despair and sorrow. Never. Ever. I can't handle it. I honestly don't believe all these treatments that help you to now love life and skip around town happy again.

There is no real life for me anymore as the main person in it is gone. That silence is deafening. That's like building a car but every essential tool or part is missing, you will never get anywhere, and you can't just be happy you have a car because it still means nothing if it doesn't work.

Bluebird, I get your just the two of you. You didn't need a big group of friends, you and him were enough. That was perfect and really that's all you needed was the ONE other person. Like the song says "it takes two to make a thing go right" same with my sis, all we needed was each other and going out was great cause all I needed was one other person and we were comfortable together so it was perfect. Now being alone is even more obvious and painful. Who wants to shop, and browse, or see a movie or have lunch with a great view and great food alone? And now I'm more acutely aware of pairs and groups as I'm alone now

I woke up this morning in another state of emptyness. No plans or purpose. 99% of my plans always included her or even my Ma but she was still around so all was right with the world. Hell, even out with my mom I'd still be texting my sister. It's depressing to me my life will always have a cloud of sadness. To me it's living in a facade of a life because you are just forcing yourself through each day with a plastic smile and that will break you sooner or later.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 8, 2015 at 9:30am

AnneJ, it was nice to hear bluebird saved you. I wish some of us lived in the same state or closer together. Being with someone who shares you same experience would. Be very comforting. Not just other friends because all they will do is try to get your mind off it. But with people who won't mind tirelessly talking about your sadness would help I think.

I can't find a group like that no where near me and its infuriating. I'm actually tired of having to go through this as I had things I wanted to do in my life. And focus on now it has all stopped and no joy left. I want her here enjoying her life as well and with me.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 8, 2015 at 4:34pm

Anne,

I am glad that my posts helped you. I know that 99.9% of my posts, if not all, are very depressed and sad and angry, because that is how I feel now, always.  I worry that by posting I might make other people feel worse, but I suppose if that happens the people who find that my posts make them feel worse can stop reading them. Anyway, it's good that my ramblings have helped anyone.

I agree with you about the "happy memories".  Sometimes a memory will come to me, something my husband did or that we did together, and for a moment I will live in that memory and feel a bit better, but then it ends, it always fucking ends. If I could live permanently in my memories, if I could literally abscond from life and lose my mind and do that, I would do it in a split second. I would rather die and be with him, but for as long as I am forced to be alive, I would do that.

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