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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by anna l. on
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I wont offer any trite words, but I will let you know that I have felt all those things too. It has been 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks since my husband died. I am learning to live a new life without my husband in it, but I didn't want to, and I don't love it. I want two wishes, one to have our son back and two to have my husband back. Life will never be the same. It will always be a life we did not choose. The raw edges do over time smooth a little. I miss my husband a hundred times every day but I am lucky. I feel him around me at critical times so I know he is there waiting for me. Write here all you want. It is good to let those thoughts out. This is a good place to do that as you will not be judged. Accept a gentle understanding hug from me.
Anna
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Thank you for your response, anna. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your husband's death, too (and your son died as well?? that's awful, I'm sorry).
This is a life we did not choose, exactly. I didn't choose this, so why should I live it if I don't want it? I have no desire to live a life without my husband in it, and I refuse to do so. I will stick around for a while because I promised my family, but every day is torture and every night is worse. In a way it would be better if I didn't have a loving family, because then I would be able to kill myself knowing that I wouldn't hurt anyone; there would be nothing keeping me trapped here.
I have had what may be signs from my husband, some of them very strong, but I cannot help but doub. It's just how I am -- I don't doubt my husband at all, it's myself that I doubt. I so want and need my husband to be ok, to be himself, to be in a good afterlife where we will be reunited, that I have a very hard time trusting my own perceptions -- I am afraid that any signs I may receive could just be wishful thinking on my part. Also, I am extremely sad and depressed and angry, and I've read and been told that those sorts of "negative" feelings can prevent our dead loved ones from communicating with us, can prevent their messages from getting through -- if that is the case, then to me that is just another example of how messed up god (if there is one) is, and the system that s/he has set up. Of course I am sad, depressed, angry -- my husband died, how could I be otherwise?!? And yet possibly god or the universe or whatever sees fit to make these strong and inevitable feelings prevent me from having the very communication I need, with my husband. Anyway, I am glad for you that you feel your husband around you, and that you trust that you will be together with him again. You are lucky.
Thank you very much for the hug. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}
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Permalink Reply by buluhan magembe on
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What we put forward is what keeps a smile on our faces, and it what destroys every joy in our hearts. You are a strong lady, u can live this life no matter the hardship. You have a family that smiles when it sees you, friends that keep happy for yo well being, let your focus be on these who won't stand it when you live them, smile with them and know that they are yo hope for this time.
You are very lucky that you have a family, people who care about you and keep their eyes openjust to know that you are fine.
Am a stranger who know not about you but I feel I can't stand it to see you in much pain, I want u to live for the second smile that awaits u in life. If a strangers cares this much, what of the nice family you have, you are loved.
Am sorry about your husband
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Hi buluhan, and thanks for responding.
I have no desire to live this life, anymore. Life is no longer a "gift", to me, but instead it is a burden. Even though I don't know if there's a god, every day I pray to die. I love my family very much, and they love me very much, and I am thankful for them, but I still want to die because my heart has been torn from me. I will never be at peace or happy at all unless/until I am reunited with my husband. That is ALL that I want.
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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on
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Yes.
"My heart has been torn from me."
And what appears to others to be living on is actually already dead.
Years ago, I had a Near Death Experience which opened me up an awful lot. I've been more accepting of metaphysical experiences since then. I have experienced metaphysical connection with D, many times, over many years while he was living and now also that he has passed.
Of course I do feel lucky because I can "feel" him around me. "Sense" things he is communicating.
Ultimately, it just makes me that much more eager to go away from life and to be done with this evil charade. It seems excruciatingly obvious that however I came to exist here in this hellish experience, I was intent on being with him. He is my other, better, deeper, gentler, wiser... more innocent, more playful, more true. How is such a beautiful and loving bond even possible? There's no beauty like that in the world. How did I come to receive the precious blessing of his loving me?
I don't know, but, in order for my life to have meaning, I need him. Not exactly words that could become the title of a self help book. True, though.
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Hilary,
I would be interested in hearing the details of your NDE, if you are willing to share them (either here in the thread, or feel free to message me); if not, I do understand.
In any case, you are very blessed/lucky that you can feel your beloved around you. I can't. Abilities of that sort do run in my family (what people generally call "psychic" abilities), and I have had experience with them in my life, but they failed me at the most important time. I did not know my husband would die. I have not been able to be sure of his continued existence in an afterlife. I have had "signs", but I cannot be sure that they are not just my own wishful thinking.
In any case, like you I just want this life -- this "evil charade", as you so aptly put it -- to be over. No matter what happens in my life, good or bad, it doesn't really matter because my husband is not here with me.
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Permalink Reply by Ruthie on
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Hilary, I too can feel my husband (Kevin) with me, I do not tell to many people, my daughter just does not get it. He has given me so-many signs--changing radio stations to frog in my upstairs hallway. Kevin's favorite little girl at church said she saw him in a white robe and he was very happy. She would come running to Kevin every sunday saying Heaven, Heaven instead of Kevin (maybe 4years of age) and leap into his big arms. Her mom said she would get up and ask if she would see Kevin that day and would be happy/excited.
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Oh my gosh.
A frog??
I found a frog, too.
No wonder he loved that little girl. I feel love for her just reading your words.
It's ugly, bad, gruesome hard. They love us, so, they come back if they can.
I used NewtonInstitute regression and QHHTofficial to get to D.
Life remains a nightmare, but, we are together in this weird new way.
Divine Blessings (or, non Divine Loving Wishes) to you all here, reading, behind the gates of Hell and Life become a nightmare.
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Hi, I understand completely. We walk around like robots with so much hurt in us that it is so difficult to even try to appear normal. My husband passed away a year and a half ago. We were together for 26 years. He was my other half in life, my best friend. Most of me died with him. I have spent so many days wishing that god would take me to be with him. It gets better. I have a 23 year old son and two Lhasa's that keep me from doing anything. My brain is scrambled and I feel like I cannot communicate with anyone properly. I find myself wishing that I could find some of my faith. I feel my husband sometimes also. If I tell my son, he says, "Mom, this is not possible, you are imagining things". I just want to know he is okay and not just "dirt napping" as he used to say. I want to believe that we will be together again. Holidays are so hard. I feel for all of you and I do understand. We just have to act like we are living to make others feel good.
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Hello Bluebird
I've read your posts & I feel exactly as you do. I lost my beloved husband - the love of my life 12 weeks ago. Words can't describe the pain, the loss or the emptiness. Like you, I'm getting through each day because Im still here - not because I want to. I also have loved ones who care so I don't want to hurt them. But living without my love is just too hard - I desperately need to be with my darling. I've been looking into the effects of widowhood,how it can impact on health & there is an increased chance of early death - I hope that happens to me. I am and will always be married to my darling - that will never ever change - personally I couldn't bear the thought of anyone else - it makes me feel ill.
Well meaning friends suggest hobbies - no one seems to understand that my beloved cannot be replaced with a hobby! he was and will always be my life - everything was us, so as for doing anything - I have no plans, no motivation, no desire to go anywhere or do anything at all. I feel my spirit went with my husband and I'm just in this body, going through the motions of each day. One even suggested getting a dog - I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream....no offence as I like dogs, but how on earth would that help?
I think I've had some signs & they did help a little - Im trying desperately to hod on to them, just to get through.
No trite words from me Bluebird - just the honest truth....I totally understand your desire to be with your husband.
Hugs from me too x
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Hi Pam
Im very sorry for your pain. Boy do I remember what 12 weeks after felt like. That was about the time I was asked to take in a 3rd dog. A tiny little girl that had been so badly abused she had to be shaved almost bald to get the matts and filth off her. She was so scared she peed if I reached to pet her, and she was less than skin and bones. 2 1/2 pounds of scared baby. The dogs I already had were morning my husband as much or more than I was and their pain added to mine. But Mia had never known my husbands love. She was so sick, so in need of love and attention she needed me. And I didn't know it but I needed to be needed again. Mia is 5 pounds now and she helped me mend at the same time I was mending her body and soul. So you wonder where that thought from a well meaning friend came from? It came from knowing if you had a life that needed you, it could give you that reason we reach for to crawl out of our beds and go out in the sun again. It does not fix anything. Nothing fixes it. But it offers a chance.
Now I wonder sometimes if my husband or son had something to do with the complicated way Mia came to me. I do know we all have to find those reasons to step forward every day even when we don't want to and don't know how to. Mia was one of my reasons. You will find yours in time.
Be gentle with yourself as you take those steps. We are all here to help you along the way. Hugs. Anna
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Thank you Anna for your kind thoughts. little Mia must be a comfort to you & that must be wonderful. I do have friends who find their pets give them some meaning & purpose to their lives & I have no doubt that it helps you all.
I do wish I could find a pet or something to help but there's nothing that feels right. my desire to be with my Darling is overwhelming - that's all I need.
Thank you again x
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