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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Margo on
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Hi, Laurie!
Had to respond to this........... My hubby was a car fanatic. He was one of those original street rodders from the 50's, ala "American Graffiti". He had the coolest car in school from his junior year in high school until just the last few years when we sold the last of our show cars. 20-some years ago, we built a 44x50x12' shop which is filled with his last attempt at a show car build. I begged him for 30 years (I was kinda-sorta joking) (but not really) to 'Not leave me with this shit" and voila! He left me with this torn apart '57 Plymouth that is in such a state of disarray that I could never sell it. But, I have an 18 year old grandson that was working on it with his grandpa, and he's working really hard to make progress. So, here we go on this adventure. We'll take this car as far as we can ..............I have nothing to lose, right? Anyway, I enjoyed seeing Jesse's videos, and I just know he and my sweetie would have gotten on famously.
Hugs to you...
m
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Thank you Margo for the kind response. Yes, it was my son's passion to buy and sell these cars. We still have 4 of his vehicles. Jesse enjoyed talking to many car enthusiasts so I am sure he would have enjoyed a visit with your hubby. Hugs back.
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Permalink Reply by JessiFox on
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Bluebird,
For some reason it's not letting me direct reply under your last post, so I'll just reply to it in this way I suppose...
I know the feeling, I haven't taken anything yet but I feel I will need to if I'm ever to get any decent sleep. I completely understand about dreamless sleep being the only tiny respite we might hope for. In fact, we seem to agree pretty much across the board. That has always pissed me off too that other people think it's just a choice or that it necessarily gets easier- I don't understand, either, how people can claim to be with their soulmate, lose their soulmate and be fine...but who am I to judge really? If that's their experience all the better for them.
It's a bit eerie how many similarities are popping up with us, honestly. I wouldn't claim that I have abilities per se but they do seem to run in my family as well and like you, I have "just known" things before, it feels like a betrayal (From myself? The universe?) that I could know inconsequential things but not know that. I was completely blindsided, and I too have had to consider how much else I've been wrong about. The only thing I really have any faith or trust or meaning in any more is the love my husband and I shared and always will. If there is anything else, anything after this, than we will find each other. That's the only thing that matters to me now...there are a few things I need to take care of that I feel a responsibility to, and then I'll move on to making that happen. I'm sorry that for whatever reason, both of our perceptions failed us when we needed them the most. Truly fucking disheartening.
Yes, my stepson's mother is beyond awful. She stopped him coming to the funeral even though he very much wanted to. She's done too many terrible things to list and if there indeed is a hell I'm sure she's got a table waiting along with your MIL.
I hope the same for myself, and for all of us who just want to be with our loves *now*.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Jessi,
I know, for some reason this site sometimes won't let us reply to directly to other people -- I think it's after a certain number of response posts, or something. Anyway:
The sleeping pill I take is "Lunesta". It works pretty well to knock me out and keep me asleep, but it leaves an icky metallic taste in my mouth all the next day (a known, common side effect of this medication). Still, I just eat/drink all day, or chew gum -- you don't taste the metallic taste when you're eating/drinking something. So maybe ask your doctor about Lunesta -- but apparently it can be addictive, so bear that in mind if you've had any substance abuse problems.
It pisses me off that some other people think that the way we respond to this devastation is a "choice", too, and that some of them think it "will" get easier. I know it does for some people, but NOT for all of us, and our hellish experience should also be recognized, it should be acknowledged that this is how it is for some people, and always will be. It is a lie to say that it always gets better, for everyone, even a little bit. It is a lie to say that time always heals all wounds. It is a fucking lie. I don't understand how some people can claim that they were with their soulmate and then be ok when that person dies, but ultimately it doesn't matter if I understand it -- their experience is what it is, and besides that I just don't care. I am so much more selfish than I used to be -- I really only care about my own situation, about missing my husband. And about my family/pets, but not really about anyone else except in a general sort of way in that I don't want bad things to happen to anyone. But I have no energy or emotional wherewithal to spend on anyone else.
YES, it is a betrayal (by myself, god, the universe, all of the above, whatever) that I didn't know what would happen, that I didn't know my husband would have a heart attack. I was blindsided, too. Well, sort of -- we moved from NY to NJ about 6 months before he died, and I did have a feeling that something was going to happen, but I felt that it would be at my old job or maybe our old apartment, and that we would get out in time. So I was still vastly, horribly wrong. So now I don't trust my perceptions or intuitions at all, whereas I trusted them pretty implicitly before. But they let me down in the most important situation to me, so they are useless now.
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Yes, I've been considering something like Lunesta. People keep recommending Melatonin but I'm not sure it will be very effective for me and I don't have the money to throw away on things I don't expect to work. Thanks for sharing what works for you, I'm not terribly worried about things becoming habit forming but thanks for the warning.
It pisses me off, too. To no end. It is a terrible lie, because it makes those of us with a different truth more likely to feel isolated and 'wrong' in some way when in fact it is just different. I've been feeling more selfish too...even though the only things I'm taking care of before I die are not selfish, I just don't have the energy or the connection with the world to care about most people/things as deeply as I did. And I used to care tremendously, I wanted to be a doctor. :(
That's such a shame. It makes things even more meaningless and painful when we can't even count on our own perceptions. I noticed in some of your posts you mentioned feeling unsure about potential signs from your husband for that very reason, and I have been suffering with the same thing. One day it was an almost endless string of them, even, but I have so much trouble believing because I know it is precisely what I want- even need- to believe. And so it's difficult to. Some fair universe -_-.
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It's been 95 days since my husband, Roy, died.
I have several health issues, so I take a lot of pills. My preference for a sleeping pill is Ambien. The nasty metal-mouth side effect of Lunesta was awful!! EEwwww!! Anyway, in all these years of all these issues, I've never taken an anti-anxiety med like Xanax. But after the first six weeks of losing my husband, the grief got so much worse......I've never been a hysterical person (okay, there was one day back in 1980), but suddenly, I've been going into these crying jags that become literally sobbing/screaming/hyperventilating fits that I simply cannot pull myself out of. It happened in my doc's office........maybe because of the medical misadventures our family has endured in the recent past-- maybe they remind me of Roy's doctors and offices......whatever. Even after losing it in the doc's office, I didn't ask for anything, but a few days later, when I couldn't hold it together long enough to carry on a conversation with her nurse, I begged for help. Enter Xanax. It has helped, but (don't tell my doc) I sailed through it rather (ahem) quickly. Now, I'm playing the waiting game until I can refill it.
As to the topic of perceptions.....what are perceptions, anyway? Why apologize for them? Are they good, are they bad, why did I "feel" this and not that? Why didn't I "know" this or that? In this teeming cesspool of grief and terror and confusion, I can't worry about my perceptions. We form conclusions based on the information we have, and that's all anyone, in any circumstance can do, so for me, I can't lend my precious energy to the ghosts in the attic. At this time in my life, I'm just putting my head down and trying to do what's in front of me to do. (Lots of time, that involves lying in bed with my doggies and sobbing into my pillow. Or dog hair, whichever is closest.)
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Margo,
I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post sooner, but I only just saw it. I am sorry you are in this hell like the rest of us here.
I hate the metal-mouth side effect of Lunesta too, but any side effect is worth the 6 or 7 hours of being unaware that the Lunesta brings. I actually do have some Ambien as well, but I haven't taken any of them because I've read about some quite bad side effects like sleepwalking, sleepdriving, etc., and since the Lunesta works for me I haven't needed to take the Ambien. Have you had any of those kinds of side effects with the Ambien?
I do also have Xanax, though I don't take it very often. I was dealing with panic attacks for years before I even met my husband, and had taken Zoloft and Prozac to deal with them and with OCD (Zoloft for a few years, then no medication for a couple of years, then Prozac for a few years). I take the Xanax now when I am feeling panicky, though that has happened quite rarely since my husband died. The worst thing in the entire fucking universe has already happened, so what is there to be panicked about, really (at least, that's how I feel).
I don't apologize for my perceptions generally; in the past, I trusted them fairly implicitly. However, they failed me, or I failed, so now I don't trust them at all.
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Bullshit, "mathalukes". We don't believe in magic here, so fuck off back to your little spammer internet cafe and find something better to do with your pitiful fucking life.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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way i feal i cud slap god slap spam slap scam
i thng we cud all slap scam spam coz 1 day thy will hav a loss
iv looookt it marhalukes profl says shes lots her hubby us on hear has had a real loss sum of loss is a lot wors thn mathalukas u cud say a spam scam so on
i saw dr ls web its full of bull shit i wud swear athim/her lk god
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Permalink Reply by Jean on
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I feel your pain Blue Bird. My mother truly was the love of my life. I have a husband but we are so different most of the people we know cannot believe we are still together. I do believe my mother was my soul mate. I love my husband but we just do not agree on anything. We love each other but that bond is not the same that I had with my mother. There are days I really just want out. Drive away. He and I met at a very young age and have been together through thick and thin. Name it and we have been through it. I just want my mother when I am feeling at my limit / lost. He does not get it. I have followed your posts and truly understand what you are going through even though the love of my life was my mother.
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My Mom has been ill lately as well, but she is doing much better now, so hopefully she will live happily and healthily for many more years. I am very close with my parents, and with my sister and her husband, and I love them all very much.
For me, though, their love for me and my love for them is not enough to make me want to remain alive, since my husband has died. For me, my husband is my soulmate (my family are my soulmates as well, I think, just of a different kind), and when he died I lost all will to live, I lost our future together, I lost any hope of our children together, I lost all joy in life.
I guess it's different for different people. For you, it sounds as though if your husband died it would not be devastating. I'm sure you would be sad, but you would want to and be able to go on with your life. Whereas your mother's death has devastated you. So yes, it seems as though we are feeling similar things, just due to the deaths of different people. But the thing is -- and please know that I in no way mean to diminish your pain at your mother's death -- that while it is very sad when parents die, it is a more natural part of life than having a spouse die so young (my husband was only 40 years old). When parents die, people might feel a kind of unmooring from their past, but when your spouse dies, if you love him/her deeply then your present and future die right along with him/her. That is what's happened to me.
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Unfortunately, I have experienced both. My father whom I loved dearly died unexpectedly several years ago and I hurt tremendously over it since, but the loss of my husband just this past June is an entirely different and overwhelmingly deep pain that is definitely different. God knows I loved my father, but it is different with the loss of my husband because just as you said Bluebird, although still so difficult to deal with, you expect that unfortunately your parents will die before you do. With your soulmate, you expect to have them there with you through everything and you hope that you will grow old together.
Personally, I have had to find reasons NOT to end my pain since I lost my husband and it's not been easy especially because we had no children so I feel I have nothing left of his precious life to sustain me. I miss him every second of everyday and my heart and soul literally hurt constantly. When I am at work he is on my mind, when I come home he is on my mind and when I sleep he is in my dreams. I toss and turn all night sick to my stomach feeling that I can't do this anymore. There is no reason to even wake up in the morning other than to take care of my pets who I do love, but nothing and no one takes his place. I won't hurt myself only because I don't want to disobey God (yes, I still believe in God and I know he did not cause my husband to die) and ruin any chance I have of ever being with and seeing my husband and my father again. This life without my dear husband has been torturous and I hate it, and I pray that I don't linger here on this earth much longer. I pray for natural death everyday, hopefully soon.
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