Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by roxydee on November 6, 2010 at 6:07pm

so many losses. first off big hugs to you. when i lost my husband, I went to a grief support group thru the hospice. i wept my eyes out each and every session. i met with a shrink thru my medical center. eventually i wound up going to my spiritual faith center. but the first year i was in and out of a fetal position after losing my best friend and husband too. all i can say is know you are not alone. you have much to grieve for. everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. this is a process and you are entitled to feel each and every nuance of this experience. talk and talk some more. have many people as you can to speak to. for every mood. understand some people will say things that work for you and say some things that will piss you off. every emotion is valid all along each point on the spectrum - from pain to rage to despair and any other. remember there will be times you will even find a sense of humor. don't feel guilty don't beat yourself up. know that sometimes getting from minute to minute can sometimes be hard. just do whatever you need to help you in this time of darkness. you will get thru these times. sometimes because there just isn't any other alternative that really works. life is beautiful but sometimes it is bracketed by horror . maybe it is these times of horror that you pick your way through that illuminates what beauty there is left to experience. you'll be in my prayers. all my best to you.

Permalink Reply by dianne Ribbentrop on November 6, 2010 at 6:15pm

Thanks for the lovely words I too go to a grief group We all sound the same Walking wounded Does this pain ever get less intense ? I have family but nights my demons come out Anger- Love - Sadness / lots of tears I watched him die while I whispered I love you in his ear I hope he heard me as he drifted away and got cool to my touch. Love songs make me cry Pictures make me cry
Guess that the price we pay for loving someone that much . Does therapy help any ?
Take care

Permalink Reply by Linda Cowing on November 6, 2010 at 8:31pm

I'm sure your husband heard you!! I'm SURE he did! My husband was in so much pain...was for years. I prayed for his healing but I felt he didn't want to come back. I agreed to let him go. I know he knew I loved him. It was such a shock, tho. He told people 2 weeks before he was worried about what he was leaving me...he knew but somehow I was blind to it. There is a good resource: griefshare.org - I get their emails every day...that is the only hellpll I've had so far.

Permalink Reply by Linda Cowing on November 6, 2010 at 8:16pm

thank you very much for responding to me. i feel like such a baby. where I moved to help my parents was back to wi where I'm from (moved from va) but know no one here, but them and we really dont talk about stuff like this so i have not yet found anyone to talk to here - moved here jan. 1. I met a guy whose wife died 3 yrs ago and he recommended griefshare group, but have not been any in my area yet. that's been part of the problem - no one to talk to. You gave me lots of good advice here, but not sure i can do (or not do it all). thanks for your insight and prayers. So very nice of you.

Permalink Reply by dianne Ribbentrop on November 6, 2010 at 6:08pm

Folks here are all in pain but I am so sorry you lost your love-and your business - 6 properties Double whammy. My only love passed 6 months ago Lung cancer Smoked 50 + yrs.
I thought I'd be less sad by now but I am not. My husband made me believe in myself when I did not. Now all we have is memories . The More we love the more pain when they are gone .
I Wish you the best I Hope your pain subsides bit by bit each day . But will never leave completely
Our loves deserve that we always remember them .

Permalink Reply by Linda Cowing on November 6, 2010 at 8:26pm

Well, I'm 1 year and half into it and the hole is still just as big in my chest although the tears well less often. Yes, my husband was the only one in my life who understood me. We were very very close. He was SO nice to me and also the only person in my life who made me feel loveable. He showed me how to love and how to be loved. I am so lost w/out him. I hope, also that your pain subsides soon. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how to capture all those positive things he helped me with. He was so positive - always. I wish I were more like him - he was the wall that held all my negatives and fears back and I have to figure out how to do it without him! I'm desperately trying to KEEP IT ALL despite myself! Thank you so much for writing and for listening!

Permalink Reply by roxydee on November 7, 2010 at 6:16am

my hubby died 1/29/09 and even writing that date makes me want to scream HELL NO! even though i was there when he took his last breath, saw his wasting body - but in the early days after that was all i saw. nowadays if a bitter painful memory comes up - allmost immediately, i remember his sweetness.. its like the good about him rushes to the forefront and i almost gasp with pleasure of that remembrance. I realize OOOOH I had a WONDERFUL fella..He loved him some me and oooh booy i loved me some him and I feel lucky . Like i'm the luckiest woman alive because i knew someone that sweet. He was my best friend companion lover and he knew me so well and he got a big kick out of me.. the best advice someone gave me ..was that if you want to get over missing someone you love faster, start embodying the qualities you loved about them. My hubby has the biggest baddest soul i ever encountered. he was the yang to my yin big time . we complemented one another, finished each other's sentences and laughed and laughed and loved life together. our love was like our fortress - 2 united against the word and what was even better? people flowed into our lives - our circle expanded and people dropped by and stuff. before i met that dude it was like hermit city. i barely spoke to people and suddenly i was the queen bee of our social circle. and poof! those people faded away like they often do when a person dies. they just don't know how to comfort loss. anyway, as i embody jason's beautiful qualities llike he was uber sentimental and would weep when moved. guess what, that gift is now mine. I know how to feel now without reservation. i weep at the drop of a hat - from joy and from pain. and some days i roll around with joy . and some days i slam into that grief wall and sit like a baby in the middle of the floor bawling. but its al good. my hubby was too groovy a person for me not to mourn. i know if the shoe was on the other foot, he would be just as devastated. but i know he wants only my happiness. and that is what keeps me striving to dig myself out of the hole. and because i embody him, i fee like i swallowed him whole . so if that dude is living inside me, then i can't be completely alone. take care.

Permalink Reply by dianne Ribbentrop on November 7, 2010 at 8:31am

Thanks for sharing your sweet memories

Permalink Reply by Linda Cowing on November 7, 2010 at 10:22am

thanks for sharing that. we had similar feelings about our MAN. I pray I can assimilate some of those great qualities he had. What do we have to lose, right? You take good care. We'll never forget and we dont want to...thats what we did at his funeral...wondered why did someone have to die for us to really see that THEY GOT IT while they were here. I"LL GET IT one of these days!

Permalink Reply by marcye jackson on March 23, 2011 at 5:41pm

all i can say is trust in the lord and he will get you through the pain, and surround yourself with things to do to help keep your mind off of it all.

Permalink Reply by roxydee on March 24, 2011 at 3:36am

The loneliness is what kills - I've filled time with anything i can to keep my mind occupied. I have gotten basic - i'm trying to think what did i do before i met my love.  I worked on my fledgling internet biz back then, i read lots of books, i watched movies with my friend and i tried to better my mindspace with something positive - like hanging out with incredibly positive supportive people at a new thought church. It helps.  when a mile jog about the track with my dog doesn't make happy, i bake a cake.

Seriously. I just be good to me  because gosh darn it I deserve it and so do you. So many times when i first started this trail of tears, i was beating myself up, wracked with guilt and pain, yeah - i beat myself up mentally.  Survivor's guilt? I still can't focus as well as I used to. I believe grief did fry some of my motherboard . People say their faith gets them thru.  After i stopped hating God, I had to reacquaint myself with a new God. A God of my own choosing. I go to the Church of being Good to Myself 24/7.  I eat cake in moderation, and i feed my mind and pamper my soul. Take care. much love to you. 

Permalink Reply by Linda Cowing on March 24, 2011 at 8:36am

Hello Roxydee

I can so appreciate your sentiments of being good to yourself. I have had trouble w/that my whole life and finally am being able to like me more. When Ed & I were married we were always busy. We never had to worry about keeping occupied, but it is different now. Although I vowed, when he died never to live like that again, I also knew he knew more than I did deep down inside about the love of Christ and since his death I am determined to find out what is was. I have been taking a somewhat different approach and instead of figuring out what to do w/myself, I have been diving into the word of God to see what it was Ed had that made him The amazing thing that has been helping me most has been trying to digest the words in the Bible. In Ps 139 it talks about knowing that his works are wonderful... I still have to meditate on that in regard to myself being one of his works. Have you ever known a kid who had his heart set on something? Or has there ever been something in your own life you just had to have? In Job it says God has his heart set on us. That is so unfathom-able to me!!  This is so deep. I am finding something more fulfilling than marriage, if that can be & it is so deep. His love is immeasurable toward us. I pray for your continueed success in your journey & hope you can find true fulfillment. I'm so glad Ed was spared a painful life and I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life. I'm going to start praying for you. All my best thoughts toward you. Linda