Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on September 21, 2015 at 2:34am

Dear Dani,

You have my deepest condolences and sympathy. You are only 35! How utterly unfair! You and your husband should have been able to grown old together. But his life was cut short mindlessly.

While I'm still in the depth of grieving for my husband, I cannot imagine how it feels like losing one's life partner in a shooting or in an accident where one's life comes to an end in moments without any warning. To watch my husband succumb to lung cancer over nine months was gut-wrenching and unspeakably painful, but to lose your husband without any mental preparation, not to be able to say goodbye is even more painful. I don't have the words to offer you comfort, only empathy and understanding. 

Please come visit us on this grief site, there are people here who can relate to what you're feeling and understand the excruciating pain you talk about. All of us here have/are walked/walking down a similar path. My heart goes out to you.

Surround yourself with the loving memories you have of your husband, maybe over time that will bring some comfort and solace.

Sending you healing vibes and prayers for peace.

Hugs, Trina

Permalink Reply by Dani on September 21, 2015 at 11:18pm

Trina,

Thank you for understanding my pain while you are experiencing your own immeasurable loss. I am at a loss each minute. Tears flood my eyes each time someone offers me their condolences, my heart is crushed when anyone asks me how I am doing and I can't stop thinking of how perfect he was as a husband. Truly. Not a raised voice. No judgment ever. Just love and support.

I can't imagine how you can even mentally prepare for your husband's slow deterioration, but know he felt your love and that you stood by him for it's entirety gave him peace.

I know my loss is fresh, and I may still be in shock, but please know if you need someone to talk to, I am here.

My prayers are with you,

Dani

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on September 22, 2015 at 10:24pm

I can't even begin to imagine Dani how you are feeling having your husband gone in such a, I don't know the words, random, freak, cold way. I am 35 like you and I lost my boyfriend (who was a spouse to me only without the legal title) of natural causes but I feel like you also in a sudden, shocking, and abrupt way. One moment here, the next gone. The shock has only begun to wear off the last month and a half. I've been in this hell now for six and a half months. 

"How do I wake up each day?" If you mean how is it even possible, how is existing even possible, how the hell do you do this (life) when your world obliterated ... I wish I knew. 

I am so sorry for how you lost your husband. 

Permalink Reply by JaneS on September 24, 2015 at 7:06pm

Dani, I am so, very, very sorry at hearing of the loss of your soulmate, your husband. And for it happening as it did, so unexpectedly and so very needlessly. It's so beyond words from any of us who understand your loss--but not as suddenly, as needlessly, as painfully.

I absolutely have no words to comfort you. We've lost our loves, our life partners, those from whom we found our solace, our strength but for most of us, it was because of illness, because of sudden heart attacks, not because of senseless violence. I can't even imagine having anything to say to you that might mean something to me under those circumstances. Our hearts go out to you, our hugs are so all around you, although you probably can't feel them as you need to feel them. So much pain, so much heartbreak.

There is nothing, in the way of words, that we can send to you now that will be of any help There's a part of this that you will have to survive because you are going through something that we haven't. The complete needlessness of this. You will be going through the sames ups and downs we are--but yours are somehow different.
When you get past that part--the needlessness, the violence of it, and I so hope you find others who have gone through that and gotten through it who can help you, although I'm so sad that there are actually others that you can meet with on that reason, when it comes to you just managing losing your life partner, then we're here for you.

That kind of pain--which really will be your biggest, longest pain, after the violence part, we--I and all of us--will be here for you.

It's not easy. Years out you will still cry for your loss. We do. But you'll also find that it's up to you how much you grieve, how much you want to fight for the rest of your life (you're so young compared to someone like me who lost my life partner 10 months ago and I'm 64--I'm eternally hopeful but at my age, my hopes are somewhat limited to those of your age--34. I may have lost my "last" great love. After a bad first marriage at 25, I spent 18 years before I decided I'd try it again--and I had 18 superb years--the best of my life with Tom. Decide early that you won't give up on rebuilding your life, and you'll have so many more great years of love and support from someone you don't even know about yet--you have those years ahead of you.

Right now, these are probably useless, unhelpful words. You're so filled with pain that they probably won't mean anything to you. That's more than fair. No one can take away your pain. I just hope that you take away from all of this that, from the standpoint of us who are older, you are so young and you have so many chances ahead of you. You can't see them now. You won't be able to see them for some time. But keep an open eye, and an open mind--DOWN THE ROAD! You don't want, nor need to see them now. You need to grieve. Just hear and realize, than when you are ready, and open to them, you are so young enough to experience them, they will be there when you are ready.

This won't take away your pain now. You, like your older counterparts, are feeling that pain, each in our own way. But you are young enough, that you will find a better, faster way out than most of us. And if you need us, girl, just write here. We'll hear you and be here for you. God bless you. You will survive. You will survive.

If you ever need to talk, just write. Send a personal message. I'll write as often as you need. I don't say I'll have any "great" answers, but I'll be here for you. I am so, so sorry that this dirty little world has struck you down at the knees. It shouldn't be this way.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on October 9, 2015 at 2:47pm

I am so sorry to hear about this.   Though I lost my young wife (36) unexpectedly about a year ago due to an accidental overdose of medication,  I cannot imagine how you must feel right now.   As for me the time following my wife's death was a time of darkness and pure sorrow.  I recall thinking that there was no way that I could ever live through it.  I cannot tell you how I made it through that time without dying of sadness and a broken heart.  I do know that this group and groups like it, my friends, my family and therapy were very helpful to me.

I know it is of little solace to you, but please know that you are not alone in this pain.  I wish I could bestow upon you some advice or bit of wisdom that would help ease your pain - unfortunately I don't believe I or anyone else can do that.   I can say to you that for me it was a long process and I am still dealing with it every day even now.   It did get easier over time for me to live with my loss and for me there was light once I made my way through the overwhelming darkness.  

Please reach out to friends and family and to the good folks here in this group as you are doing.

I wish you the best of luck and my honest wish that you find peace during this difficult time.  Please remember to eat and take care of yourself. And remember,  the only way out is through.