Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lynn Boyd on September 5, 2015 at 6:30pm

No. The measure in which you grieve....that is the proof of love. You do not need to "prove" your love or your grief. That's between you, the one you lost, and God.

Permalink Reply by Toni Jones on September 5, 2015 at 7:34pm

Thank you Lynn. Since my son was stolen from me Nov. 20, 2014, I haven't been able to afford to buy his headstone. Sept. 24th is his birthday. There's nothing I want more than to bring him back. But I can't. So, I want desperately to get his headstone. I found the perfect one for him but I can't afford it on my own. I have so many of my family asking when I'm going to get it, the mothers of 2 of his children are constantly telling me that the kids want to know when their daddy will have a headstone like every one else does. I started a Go Fund Me page and posted the link on Facebook. I thought then everyone would be able to help with it. 1 person donated. 1. Out of over 60 family members. Every tiny cell in my body cries out for Jamey. I can't deal with this pain. And instead of any one helping me, all I get is why didn't I do this or that. I don't know what to do! They don't see the devastaion or pain or greif or anything. And they're asking me to prove my love for my son.

Permalink Reply by Lynn Boyd on September 5, 2015 at 7:55pm

Ask them to prove THEIR love for your son by donating towards the headstone. Do you think Jamey is looking down from heaven and thinking "gee, my mom doesn't love me because she's not spending money she doesn't have for my headstone"? I've lost my soul mate but I know from my grief classes and meetings that losing a child is even more profoundly painful. You haven't reached that one year mark, your loss is still an open wound. I urge you to see if there is a support group in your area for parents who have lost a child. People also experiencing the same pain can offer each other solace, support and love...unlike family and friends who have no frame of reference for this kind of loss. They probably mean well, but the reality makes them uncomfortable so they might do or say unhelpful things. This is true: you will never "get over" your loss, but you can get through it. Take all the time you need. A financial loss is not going to prove your love for Jamey. Glad you reached out on this forum. >>hugs

Permalink Reply by Toni Jones on September 6, 2015 at 12:30pm

Thank you Lynn. I do try my best to remember that they have no idea what I'm going through. This is one of those times in this process (that's what the councelor calls it) that I don't feel very charitable. But I am trying. I just can't seem to make myself feel warm and fuzzy...right now.

Permalink Reply by Tildyc on September 5, 2015 at 11:20pm

No. The proof of your love is (in my humble opinion) how deep your pain actually is. Not that I ever wanted to have to live in that empty lonely space.... But over the last 7mos- one of the many painful realities I've had to accept is that there is no bottom to this grief- because there was no limit to the amount of love I had for my soulmate. Headstones are a nice way for others to remember our loved one. But the true measure of the love we had, is how we feel when no one else is there to witness our deep anguish and sadness. Only myself and you know how deeply you loved them and how deeply we mourn their absence.

Permalink Reply by Toni Jones on September 6, 2015 at 12:46pm

Thank you Tildyc. This is a kind of pain no one, and I do mean NO ONE should go through. I am so sorry for your loss. I still am looking for a different description of the passing of our people. Loss, lost, and death. For me, it's not a loss. I didn't lose my son. And it isn't his death. In so many ways he is here with me. But the screaming agony comes from not being able to hold him, hug him or talk to him face to face. So if the depth of our love is measured by the amount of pain we exhibit, then I am still in that hospital room screaming my lungs out until I get to go with him. I don't know what you are going through because that is a different kind of pain that is no less than mine but I honestly and truly am so deeply sorry for your soulmates passing.

Permalink Reply by Lynn Boyd on September 6, 2015 at 1:39pm

Toni, at my church we refer to death as a "Transition". I have a dear friend who refers to the day her husband died as the day "Les went to heaven". The depth of your love is not found in the amount of pain you exhibit but the amount of pain you endure. I'm so sorry for your loss. We are all experiencing the same pain, the kind that cuts like a thousand knives, just the scenarios are different. No two people grieve the same. I am far enough into my grief journey to say you will not always feel as bad as you do right now. I didn't believe that my first year, either. Soon the bad memories will fade a bit and the happier memories will return to comfort your heart. I wish you Peace. <3

Permalink Reply by Dolly on September 6, 2015 at 7:26am

God You are rich in everything.... rich in love and mercy... rich in compassion and You give Your children good gifts... please Lord help Toni find a way to satisfy in her heart and show her deep love for the son she has lost.. You can move mountains and part the sea.. please make a way for Toni... physically and emotionally... Amen

Permalink Reply by Toni Jones on September 6, 2015 at 12:50pm

Dolly, thank you. I'm not on speaking terms with him at this moment. Maybe it's in his plans that you do the praying for me for a while. At least until I can get back to believing in him without wanting to deny him or punch him in the face. I'm told my anger is another part of the process so please, forgive my angry heart and pray for my son and my soul. Thank you Dolly.

Permalink Reply by Copper "Charlie" on October 4, 2015 at 4:26am

The anger at God is normal.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  I want to see my husband again, but my heart is not in my faith right now.  I firmly believe he was called home to keep him from having to suffer through things he would not have been able to bear...including the cancer.  But this doesn't make my faith stronger.  It doesn't comfort my pain.  It doesn't give him back to me.  And all I want is for him to come back...healthy and strong.  But I know he won't.  And it hurts so very much.

Permalink Reply by Copper "Charlie" on October 4, 2015 at 4:33am

If anything, the headstone is a completion for you...most definitely NOT a measure of love.  And I agree with what others have posted...if the family is so upset about not having a headstone, they need to help with the cost.  Otherwise, they need to leave you alone about it!!  The pain you're going through from him having been taken is bad enough!!  They don't need to be trying to make it worse.  And that's what they are doing, either unintentionally or because they just don't think.  As to proof of how much he was loved...I don't know that there is a way to measure it.  But a headstone is certainly NOT it!!!  Don't give up on the Go Fund Me account!  Hang in there!  It will work out!  Many Hugz!  Copper

Permalink Reply by Lily Lily Rose on January 16, 2016 at 8:05am

No, not ever. My grandfathers ashes were spread across the ocean that he loved. I regret there is no stone, simply because I would like to visit it.

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