Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 2, 2010 at 8:39pm

Sharon,
I am so very sorry. This is such a tragedy, and I couldn't imagine not being able to see my child before having to bury them. My daughter, Brittainy, didn't even look like herself. So I understand, in a way, what you are feeling. I don't feel like it was her, so I don't feel like I have closure. I feel like it is unreal and she is out there somewhere. God is there, it just may not feel like it, because of a grief that is so overwhelming that you can't feel Him. I will pray for you to find that peace, that you so desperately need right now, and in the future. I know it will come in time. Just be patient with yourself and your feelings. Unfortunately with this kind of death these are the kind of feelings that you will go through. They are painful and torturous at times, but in the end you will be given a gift. A gift of being able to help someone else in the same situation, or maybe even save someone in the same situation as your son. I too have struggled with addictions in the past. I regret it so much, because it took so much away, time that could have spent with Brittainy. The thing I have to learn from this is that I have to put this to good use in the future. Many Blessings and prayers to you. You are loved, Gyla

Permalink Reply by Sharon Reynolds on November 2, 2010 at 9:58pm

Thank-you Gyla. I am in pain and at times very angry with God for the way this turned out. I too, am a nurse, working in the field of psychiatry. My previous job was 11 years managing a detox unit in my hometown. I feel that I have helped hundreds of people yet couldn't help my own son. It's funny you should talk about receiving a gift-our Pastor was here this evening and he talked about this also. Last year I was diagnosed with Stage 3 metastatic ovarian cancer and we fought through it and I have been in remission for a year now. God saved me and I had a powerful testimony to give, and did give it to anyone who would listen. Pastor talked about this making me stronger and that there are people out there who will learn from my testimony. God will get me through this in his time if I let him. Before I worked in detox, I worked as a hospice nurse for seven years. I have seen hundreds of peaceful deaths and each one etched its' own lesson on my heart. I feel anger and disgust for the doctor and staff who let your daughter experience fear and pain during her last days- their oath is to first do no harm and they let you both down. We can only hope that they may have learned a valuable lesson from this tragedy. Please do not be too hard on yourself about your past-we all have one. One of the things I used to tell my detox clients was that when we spend too much time looking back we miss the present and can't see the future. Sounds like valuable advice that you and I both could use. I will continue to pray that you find peace in this and I greatly appreciate your prayers for me. Sharon

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 3, 2010 at 7:10pm

Sharon,
I know that it is easy to feel anger towards God, but remember he didn't do this. No matter how hard it is to accept, God is here to guide us and love us unconditionally. What happens to us is not something He does. I truly believe that He doesn't really choose our time, it is all circumstances that just happen. (I hope that I made sense). I didn't really feel anger I just didn't understand why He chose not to heal her. I guess really she was so sick that it wouldn't have been a good life for her if she did survive. Her brain was deprived of oxygen for so long that she would have had severe brain damage.

As for the gift. Since you heard it from 2 different people, that says to me that it is a sign that you need to proceed with trying to help people. I believe that this will be a great part of your healing process.

I am glad that your cancer has been in remission and pray that it stays that way. You are here for a purpose, that is obvious.

As for the doctors that were taking care of my daughter while she was dieing, they really were doing everything they could to save her. When they put her on the ECMO machine the doctor told us this was a one time deal. If it didn't work then he couldn't put her back on it. The day that she was dieing he said that he contacted his colleagues in Michigan and he was willing to try the ECMO again. I decided against it, because the statistics of her surviving it were only 15% as apposed to 50% like it was the first time. I didn't want to put her through that again. They had her in an induced coma, but as she was declining (before they put her on the ventilator) that was when she was scared, she was still awake then. They were giving her ativan to keep her calm, but I think that she knew that something was really wrong. The bad thing is even though I am a nurse, I didn't realize how bad off she really was, or maybe it just was that I didn't want to accept it. I really thought she was going to make it. For the first and only time in her life I wasn't able to protect her, and it is very distressing to me.

My oldest daughter joined last night. I was so happy that she did. She doesn't talk about it at all and I am really worried about her. When I say " let's go to Brittainy's grave and put these flowers on it" She says "don't say that, we are going to see Brittainy." She doesn't want me to say grave or that she is dead. I told her about this site and invited her join and she did. Her name is Havala Nicole Heise, if you ever want to look her up and talk to her. She is in her first year at East Carolina University. I am so proud of her, but I am also worried about her.
I thank you so much for your support and being there as a friend even though you don't even know me. I welcome you to go to my page and look at pictures of Brittainy if you would like. Havala also has some pictures of her on her page as well.
I will continue to pray for you. Love and prayers, Gyla

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on October 26, 2010 at 11:13am

i lost my 33 year old son on oct 11 2010. he was surfing in hawaii. i guess he got caught in a riptide and was lost. there was a search for 3 days,divers boats and helicopters blut they never found him. he was an expierenced surfer but had never gone to that beach before. i keep asking why did he have to go there and when he and his friend saw that the surf was rough why did they go in? i have another son and daughter neither of them live close to me, my husband doesn't understand i know he loves me but doesnt know how to deal with my grief. he and i have been married 15 years and didn't help raise my boy.
the ony person that i feel understands is my ex but we are both married and had to go back to our lives after the
brief time we spent in hawaii.
i feel as if i'm living my life of remote control, just getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other, i just don't care anymore. i dread the up coming holidays. paul was supposed to fly over this year. and now that won't happen,

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 3, 2010 at 7:22pm

Cindy,
I am so very sorry. I couldn't imagine not having my child to bury. I think that is a lot of why it is so hard for you right now. You don't have the closure that most people get when they lose someone.

Maybe your husband is just grieving in a different way than you. When my daughter passed away in July, my husband was very distant and would get very angry a lot. We would yell, argue and fight with each other for the first month and a half. It is so hard at first, but it does get a little easier to deal with in time. I am also in the same situation. My husband is not her father, we have been together for only 6 years and been married for 3. I don't think that is why he is not understanding I think it is because he is just grieving different than you are. It is going to be different for you because you carried him and gave birth to him. You have a different bond with him than anyone else does.

Just know that you have a friend here that will talk to you whenever you need me. I know that right now you are feeling like everything in your life is out of your control. Just pray and read your Bible. That is the only way that I have made it as far as I have since Brittainy died.

I will pray for you to find peace within and that the hurt will ease. Many Blessings to you, Gyla

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on November 6, 2010 at 5:26pm

i did'nt really read any of the replies here for awhile. it made me really upset to read all the stories of loss. i'm feeling a bit stronger now but when i have good days i feel so much guilt like i should be still as devasted as i was a couple of weeks ago. thank all of you for your support. it has been a help.
i hate being a member of this club but glad that it is here.
my daughter is having a real hard time dealing and i've encouraged her to come here also. i hope she does.
and to all out there that have lost a child i will pray for you.

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 2, 2010 at 2:30pm

My daughter was ill off and on for several months. We would take her to the emergency room and to her family doctor and they would always send her home saying it was an infection or gastroenteritis. One morning she woke up with a really bad headache and earache, so I took her once again to the emergency room. They sent her home with antibiotics and said she had an infection. 2 days later her fever was getting worse, and she started having abdominal pain in the upper right side. I took her back to the emergency room again and they did an ultrasound of her gall bladder which came back negative, and had to give her fluids by IV because she was dehydrated. They gave her what is called a GI cocktail and pain medicine which relieved it. So once again they sent her home. By Monday her temperature was 106.4 so I took her to her family doctor. She looked all the tests up on the computer that the hospital had done and said she didn't see anything abnormal. She decided to do a blood and urine culture (which takes 3 days to come back). She told be to alternate tylenol and motrin to help with her fever, and wait for the test results to come back. By the next day she was in and out of responsiveness. She was throwing up so hard that her face would turn purple and at times I thought that she would pass out. She had trouble walking because she was so weak, at times she would collapse. So I called the ambulance to take her to the hospital. They finally admitted her to the hospital that night. They gave her phenergan for the nausea which didn't work, she would still throw up. On Wednesday they did a CAT Scan and found that her spleen was enlarged and her gall bladder wall was thickened. The surgeon decided that this was where all of her trouble was coming from. He scheduled the surgery for the next day. After her surgery he spoke with us and told us that it was one of the toughest surgeries he had done. He said that her liver was so enlarged that it was wrapped around her gall bladder. (this was not mentioned with the initial consult after the consult). He told us that he had contemplated opening her up for the surgery, but decided against it, since it would leave a big scar on her and she was only 18 and didn't want to scar her up like that. He said that he say bile leaking from her liver, but was sure where, so he put a pen rose drain in to monitor how much drainage. That evening she seemed to be better. She was talking on the phone and had an appetite again. She ate most of her supper. Around midnight she started running a temperature again and the vomiting started again. She was in severe pain, and her blood pressure was dropping. After five days of continuing to get worse, I finally requested she get sent to another hospital. They sent her to UNC Chapel Hill. The head surgeon spoke with us and told us that her bile duct had been severed in 3 different places and she was leaking bile in her abdomen. She was increasingly having trouble breathing and required more oxygen everyday. The surgeons there repaired what they could for the time and put in drains to drain the bile. Because of her lungs being injured from the bile they couldn't go in to repair the entire injury until she was better. A week after she was admitted to UNC she was on life support. Within 24 hours of being put on life support we were told that she needed to be put on ECMO (heart/lung bypass) of she wouldn't survive the night. We were told she only had a 50% chance of surviving the ECMO machine and that was if she survived being put on the ECMO machine. She was on ECMO for 5 days and put back on life support. At first it seemed to have helped a little. In the end she ended up with our Lord on July 23. She battled for her life for 37 days.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Reynolds on November 2, 2010 at 3:17pm

Gyla, I am so sorry for your loss and the horrible experience your daughter had. There are no words that can make this better so please know that I will pray for you to find peace. I have been on this site for a short time myself but have found many compassionate, loving and understanding people here. I hope you find the same support I have found.

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 2, 2010 at 8:16pm

Sharon,
Thank you so much, prayer is always welcome. If it weren't for the Lord I wouldn't have made it through this as far as I have. I was so sure that she would recover from this, and to lose her was a huge loss, hurt and disappointment. I stayed by her bedside and prayed healing scriptures over her. I was so hurt and confused as why the Lord didn't heal my daughter, but now when I look at the whole situation, the Lord did heal her. It was just not in the way I wanted. She was so precious and loved everyone, especially animals and children. I want to do something to honor her, but don't know what I could do. Some people make scholarships for certain diseases in honor of their loved one. But I don't think it would be right to have one for medical malpractice and wrongful death, in honor of her. I want people to know that even though this doctor IS human, in my mind he made more than a big mistake. He did nothing to correct it, if I wouldn't have insisted that she be moved to another hospital she would have died sooner. Maybe that would have been better for her, because she suffered so much. It was horrible to watch her gasping for air, with the fear in her eyes, before they put on the ventilator. Literally she was starved of oxygen. I got the results back today from the neuropathology results and they said that from the lack of oxygen she suffered brain damage. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to witness, and I am a nurse. I have watched people die many times, but they always went peacefully, this was far from a peaceful death. It was a slow, painful, frightening death for my daughter. I pray everyday for my soul to find peace, but I feel like it is so hopeless at this point.
Again I thank you. Someone who doesn't know me, is willing to pray for my peace. I haven't read your situation yet, but I am going to when I am done. Many Blessings to you and your family. Gyla

Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on November 2, 2010 at 8:33pm

I am so sorry for what you had to witness and what your daughter had to go through. I guess i just have to believe that in that type of situation God was giving our loved ones strength and i know once in heaven they dont remember the fear or pain they felt. My daughter drown at 15 she was with family i was not there and it was at night. It took hours before she was found and even with all the rescue people looking my father was the one who pulled her body out of the water. even though i was not there and did not see i have all these terrible images that flood my brain. It is horrible and with out the strength from God im sure i would be insane. I will pray for you to have peace. One day we will all have peace. Melissa

Permalink Reply by Gyla Lynn Darden on November 2, 2010 at 8:49pm

Melissa,
Thank you so very much for your prayers and love as a Christian. I am so sorry about your daughter how she died had to be horrible, and what you go through and what your dad goes through has to be terrible. I too, on a daily basis visualize a lot of the things that happened while she was dieing. It is torturous to me and I wish it would go away. I don't want to remember it anymore. If I didn't take my strength from God I too believe I would go insane. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear. I will pray for you to have peace as well. After she died I was scare of dieing. I have never been scared of dieing, and it was terrible to be afraid of dieing. I was scared to leave my house, I felt like I couldn't breathe at times. I love her and miss her so much. Many Blessings to you and your family. Gyla

Permalink Reply by melissa whaley on November 3, 2010 at 4:35pm

i am the oposite since my daughters death i look forward to death. I say that is the final gift she gave me i am no longer afraid of growing old or dying. I actually feel jealous of people near the end of their lives. I feel bad about this because i still have my son to raise and he is only 13. I just feel trapped on this earth. I do how ever fear something happening to him. I wish you luck through the holiday season. They are hard. I didnt even put up a tree last year. I figgure that is not what christmas is about anyways. I am having a balloon lift for her birthday as i did last year all of her friends enjoy it. I just could not let the dau go by with out doing somthing for her. Take care Melissa

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