Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tammy on September 25, 2010 at 11:48am

Good Morning Anne. While I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child or children (I don't have children), I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband's sudden death in November 2009. He died so close to the holidays last year and I was so numb with grief that they were a blur. So I am now facing the one year anniversary of his death (11/12), our wedding anniversary (11/19) and spending the holidays without my Jack and without my Mom, who died April 15, 2010. While I certainly don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, I can tell you what I have learned helps me. Don't be alone. This was hard for me because I tend to isolate in my grief. The trick was finding out who YOU can stand to be around. So many people, family and friends, mean well, but want you to do things that will make them feel ok. They want you to go out and have a "good time." I politely decline because I'm not in the mood to go out and have "fun." I'm frequently fighting suicidal thoughts and I couldn't fake having "fun" even if I tried. My best friend and my sisters are the only ones who can tolerate my silence or my crying jags (which occur frequently). Not surprisingly, my sisters are dealing with the loss of our mother too and one of my sisters lost a child. My best friend lost two siblings this year. So they are mourning too and can tolerate my feelings. Anne, this is my long-winded way of saying...Don't be alone, but find someone who can handle whatever feelings you have without a need to cheer you up. Also, this is not about strength. You have suffered unbelievable losses, yet you have survived this long. I wish these anniversaries weren't so hard, but they are and it's important to have support as you face this anniversary. As someone who ponders suicide often, choose people who can be present so if you feel like you can't go on, they can intervene. I can't imagine that there aren't people in your life who still need you. You will survive this! Take care Anne and you can send me a message any time.

Permalink Reply by anne on September 28, 2010 at 4:42pm

Dear Tammy,
Thanks! I know I can face this and I do have loved ones who need me but the second I show any sad feelings everyone runs away. I cant face that this year. I may have to be alone but I have good memories and good music to keep me company . I will cry and my heart will be shattered again but the days will go by and I will still be here.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on September 28, 2010 at 8:38pm

Dear Anne,
I know that "deer in the headlights" look before people run away. I have people in my life, who love me, but can't tolerate my sadness and tears. At the same time, no one wants me to be alone. If you need to be alone Anne, do what feels best for you right now. Also, I believe in a loving God and eternal life. I believe you will be reunited with your sons one day. They are waiting for you and God will grant you entrance to his Kingdom. Whatever reasons you think you might not get to heaven, remember that God is a forgiving God and he knows our hearts. We all fall short in this life, but God expects that because we are human. Continue to hang in there and know that our earthly life is only a breath compared to eternal life. I hope you aren't offended by me sharing my beliefs. I wish you the best and I am so sorry for your losses and pain. Again, I can't imagine a worse situation that having to bury your children.
Tammy

Permalink Reply by anne on September 30, 2010 at 6:36pm

Thanks, Your beliefs do not offend me rather they build me up and give me hope. Sometimes I get so angry with God that I dont hear him. It's good to hear what gives you hope. Blessings to you Anne

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on October 10, 2010 at 7:52pm

Excellent advise. On August 19 it was one year since my mom died and I know I could not have gotten through without the love of my ex and my best friend. I have more good days then I did in the past but the bad days are bad...I struggle with a recent dx of bipolar 2 which makes my mood go up and down very quickly.

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on October 10, 2010 at 7:49pm

Thanks for joining our group and my deepest sympathy in your losses. My father died in 2005 and my mom in 2009. I struggle each and every day with their loss. I keep telling myself that I should be over it by now, but I know that I will never be the same. Loss changes us all, our life's will never be the same.

We are here to support you and talk about your loss as much as you need to that is how you get through. I personally keep a journal and it seems to help.

Thinking of you,
Juls

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 11, 2010 at 10:54am

Hi Anne,
I am wondering how you are coping now that October is here? Please let me (us) know how your are, even if your can only type one word or too.
Tammy

Permalink Reply by anne on October 11, 2010 at 4:30pm

Hi Tammy,
I wish I could say I;m fine. Actually thats what people wasnt me to say but no sense lying to you. I'm hurting and the nightmares are so bad that I cant sleep and I look even worse. I dont know how i'm going to turn out but I am working very hard to get through this.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 11, 2010 at 9:45pm

Anne,
This is definitely a place you can be honest. I truly just wanted to know how are. You never have to sugar coat things with me. I can only imagine your pain and I'm sorry you can't sleep. As far your appearance...that is unimportant. You are truly in survival mode now. I imagine it takes effort to do everything. Have you seen a physician or psychiatrist for something that might help you sleep? Insomnia can be deadly. I know when I haven't been able to sleep, it's the middle of the night when my suicidal urges have been strongest. Please try to hang in there and I'm going to keep checking on you.
Love, Tammy

Permalink Reply by anne on October 12, 2010 at 1:07am

Dear Tammy,
I have been to phychiatrist thearapist for 12 years.I have had everykind of drug and therapy there is. Nothing works. And yu are right when I dont sleep thats when the suicide stuff happens. On wed was 3 years that my Ben passed. I went to the cematary and brought fresh beautiful flowers and laid them on his grave. I thought that would help. I fell sleep about3am and by 4am I found myself outside of my house at the bottom of the cement stairs. I hurt mly hip and my foot but I managed to crawl back into the house and got into bed and shook till morning. I cant talk about it to anyone out of fear that they will lock me up again. Thats a whole other story. I'm so afraid that I will do something stupid in my sleep and not know till it's too late. Ive tried church but they dont want me. I tried my own church and because I cant sing anymore they dont want me either. I can't be the personI once was. jEven my own daughters don't want anything to do with me when I'm like this. What do I do? How can I survive? Sleep is so important and I cant beg borrow or steal a nights sleep.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 12, 2010 at 2:17pm

Dear Anne,
I know what it's like when people want you to be something that you aren't in order to make themselves feel better. You can't help how you feel or what you're going through. No one would ask for this kind of pain. Sadly, it's often the people closest to us, who don't understand. I believe it's mostly fear. My sisters want me to "snap out of it!" They don't understand clinical depression and if you have a history of depression (and a prior history of trauma) and add on more trauma...well, sometimes it seems that you are just fighting to keep your head above water. I'm worried about you sleep walking. Is there a way to prevent yourself from getting out of your room or the house? It may sound silly, but I'm thinking that it is almost like a booby trap. Even if you hang some chimes or spoons, something that you will bump into and make noise to wake yourself up?

I recently got a new therapist and psychiatrist. While my former therapist and psychiatrist were wonderful, I moved and could no longer see them. The change in treatment providers was ultimately good for me. I was on the same combination of drugs for years and they had stopped working for me a long time ago, but my doctor just kept increasing the doses and adding new meds. This is the first time I have been on just a couple of medications and they were working before Jackie and my Mom died. While there truly is no magic pill, maybe it's time for a change in treatment providers. I know that's a lot to think about now, but store it in the back of your head.

Anne, if you have a gun in the house, get rid of it. If you have already made that noose, get rid of it. If you have already started your goodbye letter, tear it up. God knows I have been there. The world still needs you Anne and your sons want you to be happy until you all are reunited. I know it's hard to take in and even consider what happiness might feel like, just keep telling yourself that your sons would not want to see you in such pain and I believe they are watching over you. You have said before that you have been so angry at God and I imagine feel abandoned by him too. Who wouldn't in your situation? However, sometime it helps me to have a mantra . I need to work on my faith, so my mantra is "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

Please hang on Anne! You are a survivor and this particularly painful month will end. You will probably always be in pain. You lost your two precious sons. I use my faith mantra, because everyone tells me that it won't always hurt this bad. I don't believe them, so I look to God for faith that truly it won't always feel this bad. I have a good friend, who said it best..."the pain doesn't get better, it gets different." I can live with that. I will keep checking on you.

God bless you Anne! Tammy