Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dallas on July 28, 2015 at 11:44pm

I will feel the way I feel regardless of what anyone says. And honestly, what you said to me makes me feel a lot better in a way. From what I have read from you, I believe we are on similar pages. I just can't see my life being meaningful in any way without her here. Everyone says I have a full life to live, and so many things to do and see before I die. But all the things I wanted to do, and see, I wanted to do with her beside me. And it feels completely meaningless to even think about doing anything. I am not a religious person at all. I think, and truly hope, there is something more past this life. But it's only hope, not belief. And that is making my mind go crazy. I think that its great that people who are religious, have something to look forward to, and gives them more courage than just hope alone.  I don't know what I'm trying to get at, other than letting you know you're not alone with how you feel. And I'm just now learning that myself from reading your posts. I thought maybe I was alone in how I feel. But I know that I'm not. But I will be searching for answers, for as long as I am alive. But I truly hope I can die soon.

And on another note. I have been searching for answers outside of the "normal" range of things. And have heard lots and lots of great things about a substance called Ayahuasca. I plan on taking a trip to try this myself. But if you haven't heard of this before, do a small amount of research. In a way I feel like it's another thing to try and believe in. But I have had small experiences with DMT recently. And I have felt and seen things I have never felt before on this earth. Actual emotional feelings that are overwhelming beyond belief. And maybe it sounds crazy, but I saw her on one of my journeys. I felt and saw her presence. It was something small for me to hold onto. It actually made me cry. Have you ever thought about doing these things before?

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 28, 2015 at 11:56pm

I'm glad I was able to help in some small way.  Like you, I know that my life has no meaning without my husband here with me. I have a wonderful family who loves me, and I love them, but it's not enough, and nothing else in life means anything to me.

I also don't know if there is an afterlife or not, and not knowing that my husband's amazing soul still exists is fucking torture for me. Sometimes I think maybe there is an afterlife, sometimes I think there isn't, most of the time I just don't know.

If you do decided to try Ayahuasca, please just be careful. From what I've heard, that can pack a huge wallop.  If you do it, I hope it brings you some peace. As for me, I won't be trying it.  I don't need anything to exacerbate my anxiety disorder, which drugs can often do. I'm glad you feel that you saw your fiancée and felt her presence, though.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Judy H on August 9, 2015 at 10:36am

I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you are saying about wanting to die. I am 46 and was married to my sweet husband for 23 years and he just passed two months ago. I hate life without him, I don't want to be here without him and I wish I could just die too. My spirit died with him but I keep breathing unfortunately and nothing in this rotten world is worth anything to me. I do have a small immediate family left but they have never really treated me with any respect or unconditional love and they do not and could not ever take the place of my husband. He was my happiness, my reason for trying, and he meant everything to me. I think we were even more close than most couples because although I had two pregnancies when we were younger, I lost both of them and we never had any children because apparantly I just couldn't have children like the rest of civilization. He loved me anyway and we were so close that I cannot even explain it. So many people are married but don't even really know eachother or talk, but we did. He knew what I was thinking and feeling and I knew the same about him even without saying a word. I pray that my days on this earth will be short because there is nothing here for me. I want to be with him and I don't care about "going on because he would want me to" ...blah, blah, blah... I just want out but I am too scared to take my own life because I don't want to disobey God. I too am disappointed and hurt that God did not step in to save my husband and it pisses me off to see other people that are evil hearted walking around enjoying thier lives while my sweet, kind hearted husband is laying in the dirt, but I know if I want to see him again some day (which I do believe, not because I am a religious person because I am NOT, but because everything Jesus said would come true IS coming true), I have no choice but to wait until God allows me to leave this sorrowful ass life.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2015 at 10:45am

Judy,

I agree with you about some of the things you said. Like you, this world is worth nothing to me, although I do have a good, loving family whom I love, but that is not enough to make me want to live. I need my husband, I need to be with him. He should be here in our life with me, but if that isn't going to happen then I need to die and hopefully be with him (if there is an afterlife, that is).

My husband and I were/are very close also, and I NEED to be with him again, right now.

I respect your faith, but as for me, I don't give a damn about "disobeying god".  I really don't believe there is any such being, but if there is then I don't give a fuck what it wants, as it did not keep my husband from dying. If there is a god, it betrayed me, so it can just fuck right off, as far as I'm concerned.  I disagree that "everything Jesus said would come true is coming true", as well. I think Jesus was a good man, essentially a rabbi, quite possible an advanced sort of soul (if such things exist), but in my opinion he was no more the son of god than any other person. Additionally, most of the bible was never meant to be taken literally, but unfortunately the fundamentalist sects of Christianity have twisted it and believe their literal view is correct.

Ultimately, though, you and I are stuck in the same sort of horrible situation. You won't kill yourself because you believe god doesn't want you to, and thus far I haven't killed myself because I know how much it would hurt my family and also just in case there is some bastard god who would try to keep my apart from my husband in the afterlife (if an afterlife exists).  That is not to say that I will never kill myself, though -- if I don't die naturally within the next few years, I may very well take care of it myself.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Judy H on August 9, 2015 at 11:43am

I understand your feeling about God, I really do and I too have wondered if He really is there and whether that bible is really true. If you don't believe it that is of course your right. I do not believe all of it, but I ask myself "where was my soul before i was born?" and I believe it was an energy that was always alive, but it was somewhere with our heavenly father until my parents created a human body and God sent the spirit into that body. I believe it is the same when we die, that the energy goes back to Him and will be put back into the human body when he wakes us from death. He apparantly did it with Jesus because there were people there that saw it and wrote about it. It is just like the trees that look dead in the winter but they aren't, they suddenly come back to life in the Spring. Just think about that, and do what you want, but you should think about saying you "hate" Him and calling him names because you are angry. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2015 at 11:50am

I think there may be a beforelife/afterlife, somewhere our souls existed before being born into this life on earth -- I don't know if there is such a place, but I do think it's one possibility.  I think that the afterlife is a possibility whether or not there is a god, however. Also, if there is such a place, I think we go there when we die -- I don't believe we stay in the grave until some kind of resurrection from/by god (I'm not sure if that's what you were saying or not, or if instead you were referring to reincarnation, about which I am unsure, but in which I never want to participate, if it does exist).

I do not believe in a "heavenly father", though. If there is a god, I do not think it is anything like the Judeo-Christian version of god. I could be wrong, but that is what I think. My soul, assuming that humans have souls, belongs to me, not to god.

Why should I think about saying I hate god? I am seriously asking. Most of the time I really don't believe there is any such being, and if there is then I do hate it. If there is a god and if god is omnipotent, then surely god knows that I hate it, whether or not I actually say it. Also, if it is truly a "god", then it should understand and absorb my anger, and not get angry or punish me for it in any way. Any being that would get angry and punish me, is not worthy of being called "god".

Anyway, I tend to get into these disagreements with people on these subjects, but ultimately we just need to "agree to disagree", as it were.  The sad fact is that no matter whether there's an afterlife or not, or a god or not (or what god is like, if it does exist), or any of that, still both of our husbands are dead and life sucks for us now. I hope you are able to find some peace, whether through your faith or whatever else helps you.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Judy H on August 9, 2015 at 12:10pm

Although I do believe in God and Jesus and whatnot, my faith actually is not helping me at all unfortunately. I wish it would, but it doesn't and I have been angry too that after all of my prayers for my sweet Kevin to come home, he didn't and nothing helps me with that. The only reason I say you should think about cursing God is that when our lives are the most difficult is when people are apt to turn away from God. If life was always fun and happy, everyone would believe in Him and follow him but it's these horrible times that people that DO believe need to keep thier beliefs. Not to be a bible preacher, but the whole purpose of believing is to prove to that evil prick Satan (the one that DID curse humankind with death, sickness, etc) that we will NOT give into him and hate God at our lowest point. Just like WE as humans talk, so does the spirit world and Satan has been in competition with God since the beginning of time to prove that people would turn away from God when they were faced with pain and suffering. I choose not to give that prick Satan the satifsfaction. HE is what caused my sweet husband to die, not our creator and although God did not step in to help Kevin, he has promised that if we continue to trust in him, we will see our loved ones again. The reason I say Jesus' prophecies are coming true is, how do you explain that Jesus said "Just as they hate me, they will hate you for believing in me"? That was Jesus telling his followers that in the last days of this sick earth, "christians" would be persecuted and havne't you heard about the muslims killing and terrorizing christians? Thier whole hatred is over religion. Jesus also said that in the last days mothers would be killing thier children due to the loss of natural affection...how many times do we hear about babies dumped in the trash? How would Jesus, a man in those times have known any of this unless he had some special knowledge of what was to come? There was no news channels back then. He also said there would be rampant natural disasters and when did people EVER fear Tsunami's in history? Yet look how many there have been, not to mention the constant earthquakes in places that never had them before. He also said people in the last days would love what was bad and would be accepting of things that his father says are abominations. No offense to people that believe it is okay to marry the same sex (believe what you want) but it IS against what God said was meant for marriage. These are just SOME of the things that Jesus told people would be happening now, and you have to wonder....how did he know this? I am not trying to persuade you, I am only trying to explain why I personally have come to the conclusion that He IS real, and he is not the one that causes all of this grief, Satan is.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2015 at 12:23pm

Judy,

For some reason the website won't allow me to respond directly to your comment, so I am posting this right after my own.

I was agnostic for many years before my husband died, though I did hope that there was a loving god. But my point is, I had no beliefs to keep, as I didn't (don't) know if a god existed or not. I didn't expect life to always be fun and happy, but I also never expected my 40 year old husband to die one week after our wedding, and if there is a god, then that god has betrayed me by allowing that to happen, and if there is a god then I am angry at it for that, and always will be.

I do not believe in the bible as "god's word", though it has some good points in terms of philosophy (it also has a lot of bad stuff in that regard), literature and history.  I do not believe there is any such being as "Satan", nor do some biblical scholars. In any case, I don't share any of your beliefs regarding satan or some battle between god and satan.

Christians are not persecuted against nearly as much as most other faiths, they just like to think they are.  But regardless, persecution of any kind based on religious belief (or the lack thereof) is wrong, whether it's against Jews, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, Pagans, Agnostics, Atheists, whatever. It has nothing to do with satan, though, it has to do with bigoted humans.

Once you start with "gay people are abominations", though, you lose all credibility.  They are NOT abominations -- homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality are all normal parts of the human sexual continuum, backwards-thinking fundamentalists notwithstanding.  Seriously, love is love and sex is sex, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.  Why anyone would care, or would think god would care, which sexual organs and/or orifices are used in sex (again, so long as it involves consenting adults), is beyond me, lol.  It's all the same.  And for the sake of argument, suppose god did feel that they were abominations? Just one more reason to have no respect for god, in that case.

I understand that you believe that god and satan exist, and that's fine, that's your right.  I do not believe that either god or satan exist, and that's fine too, and that's my right.

Permalink Reply by morgan on July 29, 2015 at 1:53am

Dallas,

I am at about the same length of time out from the death of my husband as Bluebird is.  I think much the same way as she does.  I was with my husband for 35 years and knew him since grade school so we go back about 55 years.  

I think I want to hope that even though your pain is raw and unbearable like all of us here I really want to hope that your age will allow you one more chance to live a longer life that includes love again.  It is so unfair that you had so little time to do the things with your love that you wanted to do.  It stinks.  Even I feel cheated but then there is never enough time when we are in love.  I ask myself at my age now (63) how long would have been long enough.  Never.  I want to be with my husband for eternity.  I just want to hope something a little different for you.  

I have studied physics for the last two and half years since my husband died and do "believe" to the extent I can, when I can manage it, that there might be something very possibly right next to us where the energy that I feel from my husband still dances.  I needed to find something to help me understand this whole thing too because like Bluebird I'm not sure how long I want to put up with this existence but there are so many unknowns.  

I can see why you might want to try Ayahuasca too but as Bluebird said, be wise.  Powerful drugs in your state might not be the best option to explore your inner emotional self right now.  There is alot going on up in your brain.  Might not be the best time to experiment.  

Whatever you decide it will be your decision. We all come here to talk about the emotion of death and what we each are trying to do to cope.  I do hope it will be a place for you to help sort through it all.  Take care…...

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Judy H on August 9, 2015 at 12:53pm

I don't want to get into an arguement about gay people, I respect all living beings and would never hurt anyone, I was simply explaining how it was foretold in the bible that things that were originally considered immoral would be acceptable to society and gay marriage, etc is just one of those things. As I said, this was a point only to show the things that I feel serve as proof that somehow Jesus knew what was coming and he had no other way to know how bad this world would become back then.  

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2015 at 12:59pm

I don't really want to argue either -- our lives are hard enough, with the deaths of our husbands.  But please be aware that the bible is a book which in some places condones rape, slavery, and the like -- it's not a paragon of morality itself, in many ways.  Of course, it does also have good points, but it is by no means the "guiding light" of morality and immorality. 

As far as I'm concerned, it's a good thing that modern society has come back around to understanding and accepting normal human sexuality in all its facets (because lets not forget, not all times and all cultures ever even had a problem with homosexuality -- the acceptance of homosexuality and bisexuality has often been cyclical in nature). It is good that you personally are not anti-gay.

Regardless, though, I don't believe any of the stuff in the bible is proof that Jesus knew what was coming, but it's ok that you and I have different opinions on god and the bible and all that.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Judy H on August 10, 2015 at 7:59am

True, we are all allowed to our own opinions and you are definitely right that the loss of our husbands is enough of a huge burden to bear. I don't know how much longer I can do it either. I tried to go out and look at antiques yesterday because it's something I enjoy and all it did was make me sick because he and I used to go look at antiques. He loved the old tools and I loved looking at everything else and to top it off they were playing sad songs and I broke down in tears and had to get out of there. I feel like you, I wish death would hurry because my heart is so, so sad and heavy constantly without him that I have nothing left in this world that can get me through, he was everything to me. We were and still are connected souls and I will love him forever. I tried going to a grief group for "lost spouses and partners" but it did no good. All they talked about was how LONELY they are and will they ever find another mate, and I don't WANT ANOTHER MATE, I only want KEVIN ! He was it for me and that will never change. I could not give a damn about ever having another man in my life and I don't care about being lonely. I am fine being alone, I am only lonely for Kevin, no one else. I miss everything about him and nothing will ever be okay for me again. I will never lay down at night and feel content again, I will never wake up and feel happy about what the day will bring again. It's over for me and I am waiting to draw my last breath on this earth. I am angry too and I feel slighted when I see old couples together and my sweet husband and soulmate died so young and at the hands of inept unskilled UNCARING doctors too which makes it even more difficult. Oh well, thanks for letting me vent, I don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone seems to get uncomfortable when I lash out about how angry I feel. I know my family and my friends try to be there, but I can feel they want to move past the subject. I can't move past the subject though because I am the one with the empty heart and life now, they all get to go on with thier lives.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 39
• 40
• 41
• 42
• 43
• …
• 80
• Next ›
• Page