Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by charity wolf on July 2, 2015 at 9:52am

I am so sorry for your loss, Megan. My Mama died 5 months ago from a very rare brain disease. I was in shock the first few months and now am a wreck. From what I know of grief, as we feel our feelings and stay present to the pain, we get used to it, it lessens. We never stop grieving because death is so final. Please just allow yourself to feel all the feelinga that come up and get support if you need it. My life will never be the same but I feel so much stronger threw this journey. Give yourself lots of love and tenderness and time to cry and it will get more peaceful. We love deep and we grieve deep. Your Mama is with you always....hug

Permalink Reply by Kris Baclawski on July 2, 2015 at 10:02am

I'm sorry for your loss.  Each person's path in grieving a loved one is different. 

I lost my Mom just over 4 years ago to complications from emergency surgery.   Now, it is "easier"--but different being without Mom around.  My dad so aptly put it that Mom was the lynch pin of the family; and each of us have been adjusting to Mom's loss by getting closer in many ways despite our being spread around in different states and the UK.  As I am nearing 60, this is a comforting.  

What has been amazing to me is how much of Mom's wisdom and practicality comes out of my mouth and in the way I deal with life's challenges.  Believe me, I miss her physical presence.  But I talk to her often and tell her about stuff going on--reassuring her that yes I am keeping an eye out on my older sister.   One thing that helps me too is working on the family history.  She was so proud of her family--which has many examples of strong resilient women.  I kept thinking of how her mom grieved her mother's passing --and how my great grandmother left her homeland for the US and never saw her mother again.

Allow yourself to grieve your Mom at your own pace.  You may want to talk with a clergy person or other professional.  It's likely the funeral home may have some contacts.   

Take care of yourself and know that your mom lives on in you.

Kris

Permalink Reply by Anthony Mann on July 2, 2015 at 10:05am

I'm sorry for your loss brother I lost my mother 5/20. I have days where I just cry and says where I'm fine. My mom was all I had. Since her passing I have taken in my 2 little brothers Bc our father died 2 years ago. So trying to make there home feel like home as been rough. It kills me inside my 6 y/o loved her so much, it tears me apart. Now I feel like I don't have a forever home. Bc my moms was my forever home. I found the lord throughout this process and it's really healed me. I'm a little over a month in but it sucks. She was 54. I can't look at pics, videos or talk about her Bc I lose it. I wish you the best, anything I can do to help support you during this fucked up time please don't hesitate to reach out. That's why we are all here.

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Permalink Reply by Leila on July 3, 2015 at 1:25am

I'm so sorry, Megan. My mom passed on April 18 from metastatic melanoma to her brain. When I read what you wrote regarding the grief and pain you are experiencing, I realized it was just how I would have described my own feelings in the first weeks after my mom passed. I still miss her acutely. She was my best friend and her death is the first difficult life situation I have faced without her at my side. Even though 10 weeks have passed I still can't imagine she is never coming back.
The wisdom of this group has helped immensely. I do a great deal of praying. I am also seeing a private therapist, and this seems to help. I talk to my mom all the time. I have a strong feeling that she can hear me and is watching over me.
I still cry every day, but not ALL day anymore. It can still happen anywhere and at any time, which was initially highly embarrassing, but I don't care anymore.
I have only very recently started looking forward to upcoming life events. This has taken me by surprise, because I was certain I would never be happy about anything again without my mom here to share in that happiness. I have also recently returned to some of my 'normal' activities, like date nights with my husband, weekend vacations, and volunteer work. I still have that urge to pick up the phone and call my mom all the time, but it no longer has me falling apart in to tears. The oppressive cloud of unbearable sadness that was my ever present companion seems to have been lifted from me. My appetite has returned. One problem I am still experiencing are nightmares of the days my mom spent suffering. The nightmares have led to insomnia. I don't know when I will be able to have restful sleep again.
I did a great deal of anticipatory grieving that began when my mom was diagnosed and given a grim prognosis in early February. I'm not sure if that makes a difference in my grieving process or not.
I definitely feel more positive about the future and more able to function than I did in earlier weeks. I'm not sure why I have started moving forward, but I think it has something to do with that feeling of my mom being always with me. I think about her all the time. I can finally talk about her without crying. I actually like to talk about her. I will NEVER stop missing her. I will always wish I could have changed what happened to her. My mom left my grandma's antique cabinet sewing machine to me. Mom loved this sewing machine. I have it in a prominent place in our family room with photos of my mom on top of it. I am looking at it this very moment, wishing she was still alive and that the sewing machine was still in her home with her.
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people you love and lean on them. Cry as much as you need to. I have always believed that crying is therapeutic. Eat ice cream and chocolate in adequate doses (There were a couple of days when I ate nothing at all except for one chocolate milk shake from Chick Fil-A).
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Nancy

Permalink Reply by Megan on July 3, 2015 at 5:24am

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I wish that none of us were in this horrible situation, but it is comforting to hear from those who truly understand. As I stated before I haven't been out or met with many people since the service, but I will try to make more of an effort this weekend. I work in social care so I understand the critical importance of self care and a strong support network when faced with traumatic life events. It is just that I am finding it much more difficult to put into practice when in the midst of grief.

@charity wolf, I am definitely giving myself time to cry. That seems to be all I am doing at the moment. Shocked is a good way to describe my feelings, because even through the grief it just doesn't feel real. xx

@Kris Baclawski, my Mother was the lynch pin of our family as well. Like you, my siblings live across the country from each other and I am in Europe. She is the one who kept us all connected. I think her greatest fear at the end is that we would loose touch, have no base, or as @Anthony Mann put it - forever home when she was gone. I think it is so devastating because Mothers are the soul of the family. I have been thinking that I would like to chronicle our family history as well. It was something that we talked about after she was diagnosed. Although, I might have to wait before I attempt it as I don't really hold it together well when I am looking through photos either.

@Nancy Dynes, my Mom was diagnosed in November and she lasted a lot longer than her initial prognosis. Like you, I was grieving for months leading up to her death. As I watched her deteriorate from the strong, independent woman that I knew into someone who needed assistance for the most menial of tasks, I had the wildly erroneous belief that I was ready. I knew that death would ease her pain, her suffering. She was such a proud woman and too young, the end was very difficult for her. 

I am sorry for all of your losses and I wish I could ease your pain. Reading your stories/kind words and writing back to you all has helped a small bit, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you xx