Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on May 16, 2015 at 2:53am

Dear Sara,

There are no words that can comfort you in your time of loss and tragedy, but I still want to give you my heartfelt condolences. Losing the light of your life, as you call your husband, is an irreparable loss that will take a long, long time to heal, if ever.

I lost the love of my life to lung cancer on August 4th. He battled with his cancer for nine months and died at the age of 49. The day Joseph died--we held hands until he took his last breath--my life as I knew it ended. My entire world fell apart. We were together for 19 years and married for 14. He was my whole world, my life, my reason for being. We, too, worked together, we taught at the same university. I took medical leave for one semester and when I returned to teaching, the first couple of months going to work was the hardest thing I had to face. I would be reminded of how we came in to work together for 14 years, the things we would say to each other, how we would kiss and go to our separate classrooms, and then at the end of the day, leave together for home. We often joked how during the day we called each other a couple of times to touch base and even said "I love you" to each other all the time. 

These nine months have been unspeakably painful. There have been times when I couldn't breathe and felt tightening in my chest. After nine months I still do, but not as frequently. For many months I lived in a fog and utter darkness. Now it's gloomy, lonely, painful, and life feels meaningless. But the intensity of the pain is a little less and the crying, though it happens a couple of times everyday, is not as gut-wrenching.

My heart goes out to you, and I send you healing vibes so that over the next weeks and months you find the courage and strength to bear this devastating and life-changing loss. 

Please post again and we are here to listen and to support you with our understanding and compassion. Peace to you.

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on June 5, 2015 at 11:37pm

Trina

Thank you for the kind words. Jim has been gone only two months but I feel like it has been forever. I miss him so much that it seems like I can't breathe. I don't feel like a lot of others that want to die so that they can be with their loved ones. I want to be here, with my kids and my grandkids, and I just want him here with us, where he belongs. It makes me so angry when someone says that he is in a better place. I wished my faith were stronger and that I believed that. But it just isn't. I want it to be. I want to believe that he is with his parents and my parents and strong and happy again. He lost over 130lbs in 13 months and lost so much of himself in the process that I hope he is whole again, but I just don't know. I don't want to believe that when we die we just cease to exist, but I don't know. I just know that I miss him.

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on May 16, 2015 at 3:14am

Dear Sarah,

I know exactly how you feel, its an amputation.  I lost my wife to bowel cancer last September 2014, after 22 years of marriage, we were soul mates.  She will have been gone now, 7 months this May 18th.

There are no comforting words, except to give you my heartfelt condolences.  I met my wife in 1992, we talked, and within roughly 15 minutes, I knew she was the one.  I truly dont know what else to say, except it is a minute by minute, day to day, process ?

Regards

Michael

Permalink Reply by Sandi on May 18, 2015 at 12:42am

Sara, I am so very sorry for your loss & understand your pain. All I can tell you is that the only way I am coping is one day at a time. I have my getting by days & I have my bad days. I lost my husband of 38 years on May 23, 2014, 5 1/2 weeks after our 37th anniversary & 6 weeks after his 61st birthday. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in September 2013 & he fought like hell for 9 months after we tried everything possible. As hard as it is try to just get through one day at a time with a few minutes of quiet to remember the good times. I know that also brings a lot of tears but for me it helps keep our connection alive. All my best to you & Godspeed!

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on May 24, 2015 at 11:16pm

Thank you for the reply Sandi. I was just thinking about how safe my husband made me feel. We were together since I was 19 years old, and I just don't know how to go through each day without him. We owned our own business so we even worked together. I'm trying to keep it going but it is almost harder to be there than at home because he was such a hard-worker that he was at work more than he was at home. He worked right through the chemo treatments and even wore his chemo pump to work. I sit here with tears rolling down my face because I just can't imagine the thought of never holding him again. I just miss him.

Permalink Reply by Sandi on May 25, 2015 at 3:11am

Oh Sara, I know exactly where you are coming from! I would first like to correct my previous post. I lost my husband on June 23, 2014, not may. I remember when I posted thinking, it's may, on the 23rd it will be 11 months! Time has seemed to warp into a horrible unpredictable fact of live. I like you worked with my husband. Not only was he the love of my life, he was my dearest friend!i know many people but other then Mike there was only one I truly called friend! We have not seen each other in 43 years but I
Know when I need her, she will be there! Mike was my beat friend & neither of us had friends other then each other! Many people thought our relationship was very strange, & never could understand it! We really didn't care what others thought! Our relationship worked for us & that's all that mattered! I wish I could say something really profound & meaningful that would help you through this horrible journey! I can't, so all I can do is offe my support & prayers for you & your family. Also, there is a group on Facebook that I found at a very dark & destructive time in my pain. It is Help For The Healing. It is dedicated to people who have lost someone & are in the grip of pain & sadness! It has been a lifesaver for me & I visit it daily! When you are ready I think you would benefit greatly by checking it out. I am not the kind of person that can go to a bereavement or grief group although I'm sure I would benefit from it. I am not comfortable talking to anyone ( even my boys )about my husband!
Please know there are many of us walking your path that understand your pain!
God speed Sara & all my best!

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on June 5, 2015 at 11:24pm

Sandi

I  can relate so much to what you say. One of the cards for my husband said, "it was never just Jim or just Sara, it was always Jim and Sara". That's how it was, we too didn't have a lot of friends other than each other. We worked together, lived together, did everything together. I can't even bear to go into our bedroom yet. However, another lady that lost her husband just a few months ago said that she feels closer to her husband and safer laying in their bed than anywhere else and I can understand that. The last few months of his life we would lie awake and talk for hours, so maybe I should at least try. I had a pillow made with his picture on it with his huge smile and I sleep with it, but we know it isn't the same. I was with him since I was 19 and I am just not complete without him. I want to get to the place where I can remember all of the happy times with him and smile instead of cry. I have a couple of close friends. One of more than 25 years, and one since Jr. High, so that's over 40 years, but I don't want to keep crying to them even though I know they don't mind.

I am so dreading father's day, his birthday, my birthday, Christmas, but especially Halloween. I know that sounds funny, but that was his favorite holiday. We have spent the last 25 years collecting items and building a haunted house on our front porch. We usually have about 400 to 500 people come by. I just don't know if I can even put the decorations out, but I want to in his honor. I guess it is just like people say, one day at a time. I feel like it is more like one minute or one hour at a time. I also try to hide much of my sadness from our kids. I know how much they miss their dad and I don't want to make them worry about me also.

Please message me or even send me a facebook friend request whenever you need to talk, I'm usually up almost all night and I would be happy to listen.....

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on May 25, 2015 at 2:58am

I share your pain Sarah Schwartztrauber.  I lost my wife to Cancer following a bowel operation in September last year, 2014, we were married 22 years, she was a beautiful lady,a real gem.  Im just going through the motions now, life has no more meaning for me.  My wife suffered 11 months.  Its been a little over 7 months now.

Michael UK

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on May 25, 2015 at 3:55am

Dear Sarah Schwartztrauber,

It was 7 months ago that I lose my wife to cancer following a bowel operation, she suffered 11 months, we were married 22 years.

She was a non practising Catholic and she believed in God.  Do you believe in God ?

Michael UK

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on June 5, 2015 at 11:14pm

Michael

I'm sorry it has taken me awhile to respond to your question. The truth is, I just don't know if I believe in God or not. I want to. I want to believe that my love is with his parents and my parents and my brother, and his best friend. I don't want to believe that he isn't watching over us, and that when we die we just cease to exist, but I just don't know. If I knew for sure, maybe I would feel like so many others that just want to die so they can be reunited with their loved ones. I don't want to die. I want to be here with my kids and my grandkids, but I want him back here with us. I know that he knew that he was the most important thing in my life. I know that he knew how much I loved him. And I know that I did my best in taking care of him. But...I'm starting to have those dreaded regrets. Did I do enough? Did I tell him I love him enough? Why didn't I hug him and lay with him more in those last couple of days? I think it is because he was always the big strong protector of all of us and I just didn't believe he would really die. He was my life for 37 years and I'm just so lost without him.

Permalink Reply by Richard G on May 25, 2015 at 10:31am

Dear Sara, 

Words can not describe the pain we feel when we lose a spouse. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I can tell you that it gets better. The pain never completely goes away but it does lessen over time.

I've actually lost two wives to cancer and the first time I never thought I could be happy again. I was blessed with finding a wonderful woman who made me see that I could be happy again. I lost her to cancer in April and now find myself back in this lonely dark place. I only had Cherie for a little over six years. We also were inseparable, in that six years I think we were only apart for a handful of days.

My logical mind tells me that I will find some level of happiness again but my emotional side just wants to die and be with those that I love. 

I hope you can find some moments of peace. I know that the few tiny moments that I do find peace are what keep me going. 

Remember you are not truly alone, there are many people here who understand the pain you are going through.

Permalink Reply by Sara Schwartztrauber on June 5, 2015 at 11:31pm

Richard

Thank you for your kind words. I thought that I had prepared myself for his death, but nothing can prepare you for this kind  of pain. I want to reach a place where I can remember our life together and all of the wonderful times with a smile instead of crying all of the time. I guess it's like they say, one day at a time.