Im so sorry

Im so sorry ,that I get so negative and so down at times .I would like to heal and recover from this mess.

Carol Ann was the only good thing I had going in my entire life.

The problem was I never knew love in my young life ...than when love came my way i did not know what to make of it or how to treat Carol Ann. We had 5 good years than I messed up real bad.

The first time I was in an apartment in Palm Springs Ca.

I was always a loner because thats the way I knew how to keep safe.

Than Carol Ann came along and offered me love and kindness.

It seemed to hurt me in some way .

I do not know how many times I tried to get away .

There where times where I had to hang onto the seat on some La freeway to stop me from jumping out of the car going 100 kms.

She knew nothing of my distress.

Than one night i went into the bathroom and beat myself up so bad i needed a plastic surgeon to fix my face.

However that was only the start ....I had a serious suicide attempt in 2003. 

She found me hung in closet 3/4 dead. 

She called my doctor and the medics turned up and than the Mexican Policia.

We where  living in Mexico.

I was almost dead she was giving me mouth to mouth survival.

The policia screamed "wheres the drugs" there where no drugs .They put a shot gun to her chest ...she spread her arms and said shoot.

She went back to keeping me alive.

That was my Carol Ann she was my life line.

Im so sorry for being so down.

Some days its so bad ,i have done everything to try and stop things about her but its no use.

I lost her .I lost her...I had my chance at love and life and a better life she offered.

I threw it back in her face.....my regrets are endless. 

I do not know what to do any more except work.

Just work.

Want to see what I do .Its the only thing I am proud of.

http://donkey6660.wix.com/inkgal8290

this is all i have got .

Tags: endless, regrets

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 12, 2015 at 10:17am

AnneJ,

I'm so sorry you are in this horrible position as well, but I am glad if my posts helped you at least a little bit.

A lot of people are in the kind of anguish we are, but I find that many others are not -- they are in pain when their spouse/partner dies, but not like this. In any case, finding people posting platitudes and such just pissed me off -- I am a very honest and straightforward person (too much so, in some ways), and I will not sugarcoat this horror just to make the people around me feel better or think that I am all right. I am not all right, and I never will be, and I will shout that truth until the day I die. When I finally found some other places online (including here) where people were being honest about how shitty this situation is, it helped the tiniest bit -- so I am glad if my posts were able to do that for you.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 17, 2015 at 9:26pm

Breana,

I'm glad that my posts have helped you, and I am sorry for your loss. My husband died over 2.5 years ago, and nothing is better for me.  I sincerely hope things get better for you.  {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 17, 2015 at 9:24pm

Anne,

Then I am glad my posts have been helpful to you. I am touched that you were thinking about me, and I agree with you -- support system or not, this sucks. My family are wonderful, but without my husband, life simply is not worth living.

I wish I could just stay in bed. I do stay in my apt. as much as possible on my days off, but unfortunately my financial situation is horrible and so I have no choice but to work, even though my job isn't great.

I hope things get at least a little bit easier for you.  {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 19, 2015 at 10:19am

its loss it is

loss get 2 us evry day 

silly poster do 2 me 

yday i did a paintng its not dun yet watr colors arclic is 1s i lov most i dp wn im brushng it feals grt on my canvas 

1 thng i cnt brush away is pain of loss

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