Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lynden on April 3, 2015 at 4:00pm

Diane,

I am so very sorry.

In some ways I am probably the worst person to reply to you, because I still have my spouse. Two months ago I lost the "other man" in my life whom i had been seeing for about 4 years. I won't insult you by saying that my situation is the same as losing a spouse, but I can relate to the feeling of losing someone who has essentially defined who you are. The mind simply doesn't know what to do. The person you talked to, isn't there. The person you laughed with, isn't there. It's the worst pain imaginable, but I can assure you that it WILL hurt less, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even for weeks or months, but you will find that the pain becomes manageable and controllable. Don't be afraid to watch mindless tv. When Ed died I couldn't watch anything with any substance because I knew I would want to talk about it with him after, so I watched old episodes of Gilligan's Island, even cartoons. Anything to pass the minutes between sleeping. If it serves no other purpose but to give you relief between spells of crying, it's worth it.

Have you seen a grief counselor? I always dismissed them as pop psychology bozos, but I have to admit that the therapist I've been seeing has been a lifesaver. I doubt I would be functional enough to be typing this message otherwise. I hope you will consider that option. Also, I have a very limited social support network, so I am finding great relief in chatting here. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Kerri

Permalink Reply by JaneS on April 3, 2015 at 8:46pm

Dianne,

I lost my husband the Thursday before Thanksgiving, 2014. I'm only a few months ahead of you in this trip. I never, ever want to lose or move away from my Tom but I know that as much as Tom worked to make me move forward from my family (those who turned their backs to me), as much as he worked to instill confidence in myself, he's behind me all the way as long as I don't linger on the pitty pot more than I have to--and I admit with all the daily crying, the fact that listening to some of my favorite music tears me up--everything, anything at this point can have me tearing, if not flat out crying.

But I refuse to believe that while I'm going to to through the "process" everyone keeps telling me I'll go through, that I can't, with the help I've gotten from my husband for the last 18+ years, that I can't, and he wouldn't approve, of me improving the rest of my life until nature/God takes me at some point.

It feels almost hopeless in the beginning. The crying, and I'm only four months in, will continue for a long, long time but that doesn't mean that I, or you, can't pick a goal of being happy and loved again. It's like faith in God, faith in the love that your loved one had for you, that life will improve.

I've been through many very bad times. I must say, though, losing Tom is the very worst I've been through, but because of all those other bad times, I know I'm a survivor. You are too. You know it in your heart. You have things, people, goals that your want to survive for, to achieve. Those things, as much as they aren't the center of your life as you go through this pain, but if you keep fighting to make them the center of your life, you will survive and you will succeed, and your loved one will smile down on you and say, "That is what I always wanted for you!" You owe it to them as much as you owe it to yourself.

Only you, your mindset, and you DO have control over how you think about things, can raise your goals in life when you are down. And your loved one would be/somewhere is your biggest supporter.

Dear God, this isn't easy or for the faint of heart. But everyone has the power to move beyond being the faint of heart--even if it's done in very small steps. Let me know if you need help with that. My small steps, between divorce after three years and the 18 years I spent alone before Tom, were spent leaning how to make those small steps.

I went through two psychiatrists and a psychologist (she gave me a great self-help reading list--otherwise psychiatrists and psychologists always dropped me after my annual mental health limits were up--thank goodness for those reading lists from the psychologist that carried me through until later), and finally a clinical social worker who actually talked TO me, one on one, as the others hadn't.

I went through Jewish Family Services in Richmond, Va., but there are many other ways to do that. I found them after I called a United Way help line and told them my problems and they connected me to someone who actually worked with my "budget." My counselor told me I hid myself from people so he suggested that I go out one night a week and deducted the cost of doing that from what I would have paid otherwise. I ended up paying $20/wk. for my one-on-one counseling--although I admit that was in the early '90s. But there are subsidized counselors out there and they will work to meet your needs. I'd pretty much figured it out, my problems, my reasons for not having the strength I should have had on my own--families, boyfriends, husbands can take that away from you--the good ones ca give it to you. But the clinical social worker was able to give me more balance in my life, my thinking (right or warped) and show me a better way. He showed me how to see all of this for myself.

You have to decide, all by yourself, where you want to go. It has nothing to do with leaving your loved one behind--you will never do that--I won't/can't/don't want to do that and by experience, I know I don't have to and won't. My husband will always be in my thoughts, and should I live so long, as I have since I was 16 (now 64) still call out to my mother who died in 1967, you'll never lose your loved one; you'll never not need them; and--truly--you love will ensure that they will always love and reassure you, in some way, when you need them most!!!

Your fate is in your hands. What do you want out of life. It's whatever you want and your loved one will, no doubt, support you as long as you want to move forward.

It will hurt. Definitely it will hurt. But it will be worth fighting for! And your lost one will be behind you finding your happiness--you know they will.

God bless you. God give you the strength to find out where you WANT to be, and God give you the added strength to get there.

Write me if you need the help. We both do, and maybe leaning on each other, we will find it. I believe in what I've said, and I'm getting strength from it everyday even when I don't think I deserve to. I know it is the right way. Maybe together, we can do it together.

Jane

Permalink Reply by Dianne M. on April 3, 2015 at 8:53pm

Jane I can not tell u how much your post meant to me. I have felt invisible here and you reached out to tell me exactly what I have been thinking and needing.

I will reach out to you and maybe we can survive this together.

Permalink Reply by Vicki jefferson on April 30, 2015 at 10:41pm

hi dianne,

I understand how you feel. I feel the exact same way. My husband passed away 03/01/2015. 

Permalink Reply by Vicki jefferson on May 12, 2015 at 8:24pm

hi dianne,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband march 1st to a heart attack. we were at home. i am so lost without him

Permalink Reply by Dianne M. on May 12, 2015 at 8:28pm

Vicki I am so lost and alone. My life has just been flipped upside down and I dont know which way is up. I plod along with no path or plan.

I try to get out and do things but we did everything together so everywhere I go I see us together.

How are you getting by???

Permalink Reply by Vicki jefferson on May 12, 2015 at 8:37pm

i have custody of my 3 grandchildren they keep me busy. at night when they are in bed. i'm so lonely. i just don't understand why he had to go. like you and your husband my husband and i did everything together too. now it's just me. i just don't know what to do

Permalink Reply by Dianne M. on May 12, 2015 at 8:39pm

I have 5 dogs that keep me busy but I lack conversation and the closeness we shared. I dont understand why he had to go either. We were so happy and looking forward to our 20th anniversary and a big trip to celebrate. What do I do now???