Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on April 22, 2015 at 1:20pm

John , thanks for your kind words.  And sorry to hear about your loss as well.  It is indeed hard losing a spouse.  Grief counseling has been somewhat helpful and I highly recommend this to anyone who suffered a loss.

 

Thanks again.

Permalink Reply by Mark on April 18, 2015 at 6:46pm

Steve

  I am deeply sorrow for you loss, I lost my wife 5 weeks ago from a drug overdose.  I have spent that time searching for answers, and learning things I probably didn't want to know.  I feel the exact same way, that I am living in a waking nightmare.  I was glad to see that someone here is, "no longer utterly paralyzed with loneliness and sorrow", because that is where I am dwelling now.  

  I know your world will never be the same, but I hope you continue to make progress and can eventually find peace.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on April 22, 2015 at 1:31pm

Thank you Mark.  I know all too well  how difficult an unexpected loss like you and John have experienced can be- it is a total life altering event.  It took a lot of time for me to stop blaming myself and second guessing and reliving the experience over and over again. 

 

I am sure is is of little consolation to both you and John T to hear that there is light at the end of this darkness, but to be honest the only way out is through.  We won't ever really get over the loss of our wives, that much is for sure. 

 

For me, I know that my wife would be so sad that her passing caused me so much sorrow and pain- she would not have wanted me to roll up into a ball and give up.  So as hard as it is to move forward and live a life without her I feel like it is a matter of respect and honor towards her to live as well as I can in her memory. 

 

I hope the both of you also find peace- but yes this sucks and will likely suck forever. 

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on June 21, 2015 at 11:46am

I can relate to what you are saying that on some level bearing this burden is a blessing because we are essentially sparing our spouses from having the bear this on their own.  Of course, I would not wish that anyone experience this level of pain and sorrow-  but if it was a choice between having my wife experience it instead of me, I would rather take it than have her feel this.

Thanks, brother - you have given me a different perspective that I had not considered before.

-Steve Suehiro

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on May 3, 2015 at 6:04pm

Steve,

First of all, my deepest condolences to you. I lost me beloved husband around the same time: on August 4th 2014, so I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and experiencing. I watched my husband suffer excruciating pain from the lung cancer for nine months, no one should have to watch their loved one suffer so much. But I still think it would have been rougher if I were to lose Joseph suddenly, without any mental preparation like you did. I cannot even imagine how you felt the first few days after the passing of your beloved wife.

I can completely relate to what your comparison to a person who has lost limbs. Often, when I think of my pain and suffering on a daily-basis, I think of myself as someone who has lost their arms and legs. Do those people adjust to life? Yes, they do; they function well enough to make it through day by day w/out getting help from someone else. But is their pain and sorrow healed? What an insensitive thing it would be to suggest that. Yet, bereaved spouses/ people like us routinely get told by people (who haven't suffered a loss like ours) that "Time heals all wounds." It doesn't. Over time--and it's different for each individual--the intensity of the pain, despair, and anguish diminishes a little. I am not in the acute-pain stage that was in about a month ago. I don't feel that same kid of utter and bottomless despair, bit I MISS JOSEPH IN A WAY THAT ISN'T EASY TO DESCRIBE. Will this missing and longing and emptiness ever go away? Not for me. Joseph was my soulmate, my life partner, life holds very little meaning for me without him. If it were up to me, I would die today and join him in the afterlife. But I cannot take my own life and will just have to wait out the time that I have left. The thought fills me with dread and anguish. So I feel for you and send you my heartfelt prayers and thoughts for finding peace at some point.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on June 21, 2015 at 12:03pm

Trina, thank you for your kind thoughts and for your understanding.  I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband to cancer around the time that I lost my wife.

When I lost my uncle and later my grandfather to cancer, the loss was very painful, but I was able to anticipate the loss and take the time to say things  to them both that I wanted to say.  While loss is loss and pain is pain,  losing my wife unexpectedly was so much harder for me to deal with than when my uncle and grandfather passed.   Those first few days and weeks following her passing were so dark- I have no idea how I survived and pulled through. 

Now a little more than ten months has passed, and like you, I still miss my wife profoundly, though like you I made it through the acute-pain stage.   I do find myself feeling envy when I see a married couple and have to stop myself from feeling the need to tell married couples to cherish each moment they have together, because it would seem so strange to them if I did so.   I think those who haven't experienced what you and the good folks from this page have gone through may not realize that this sort of thing makes you hyper-aware of how short life is and how easy it is to forget that we have only a limited time together, and instead focus on the minutiae of every day life.  I profoundly regret that I missed so many opportunities and wasted so much time being wrapped up in my own mundane head trip to  realize how precious my time was with my wife. 

I know you understand and am thankful for your thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Linda Martin Warner on May 9, 2015 at 4:52pm

I agree that the hoops someone who is grieving has to go through to get help or deal with the legal aftermath of a loved one's death are ridiculous.  I had a "grief counselor" tell me I could not join a grief support group because it had not been three months since my husband died and "research showed" that my emotions would be "too raw" to be able to hear what others were going through.  No consideration that my spouse had been chronically ill and there had been a lot of anticipatory grief or that I had participated in a caregivers support group for years.

What I find as far as time goes is that as you forget the painful memories, the good memories become more poignant and the feeling of loss deepens.  My husband was the one great love of my life and when I find myself missing him, I am trying to focus on how lucky I was to have had him for the time that I did.  It helps but I still miss him.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on May 10, 2015 at 7:29pm

Linda,

After losing the love of my life Joseph nine months ago, I try to tell myself to focus on the positive side. So I am glad that you, too, try to think of how lucky you were to have had your husband. In our new life that is defined by our irreparable loss, these kinds of thoughts sometimes help bring some relief.

From day one of Joseph's passing, I knew that he and I shared  great love that few do, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful that I had 19 wonderful years with my darling that flew by in a blink of an eye. But I have those memories to cherish and to sustain me. But like you said, in spite of the beautiful memories, I miss Joseph daily, and the missing is very strong and acute. 

Sending you good vibes for peace and healing. 

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on June 21, 2015 at 12:13pm

The American Health System is structured in a manner which is so not conducive to providing good support to bereaved spouses. 

As far as grief counselors go,  I was very fortunate to find one that ended up being very kind and helpful, but I know that there are some grief counselors out there who are terrible at what they do and simply don't care. 

Coming from a legal professional background - and also as a current funeral director -  I am very much aware of the need for law enforcement to investigate an unexpected death, however it was quite surreal and uncomfortable to be questioned by  a homicide detective about the circumstances of my wife's passing.   I do realize that he was just doing his very important job and the detective was very polite and compassionate so I did not take it personally, but it was still very unsettling.

I am just a little over 10 months  into this new life, and while I am no longer totally paralyzed with pain and sorrow, I am still finding it difficult to recall the life I had with my wife without it triggering sadness and feelings of loneliness.  I trust that it will get easier to cope with over time, but do suspect that it will take a while.   

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on June 21, 2015 at 2:11pm

John, contact local  hospice and organ donor organizations, they typically have a database of counselors some of whom might work for you.

Permalink Reply by Kia on June 15, 2015 at 8:46am

Hi Steve I'm Kia I lost my wife 10 days ago she died in her sleep. It's so hard we had so many plans and we depended on each other. She didn't die at home she couldn't make it home she told a family friend and could she rest there and that was the end. I just need more answers I see everyone else enjoying life and going on but I'm stuck here heartbroken and lonely. I miss my wife

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on June 21, 2015 at 12:27pm

Kia,  I am so sorry to hear about your wife.  Though like all of us here I too lost my spouse, but nevertheless I cannot say I know exactly how you must feel. 

As for me it took me quite a while before I even felt like I was going to be able to continue without my wife by my side.  The first month  after she passed, I had no appetite, and had to force myself to remember to eat, and when I would eat it was without any pleasure.   I also made a deliberate decision not to down out my pain with alcohol, because I felt that it would be too easy to get lost in a bottle, and I feared that if I allowed myself to go down that path that I would get lost there.

I do encourage you to reach out to family and friends for support.  This is a really big deal and it can be very difficult to cope with - you should not have to cope with it alone.

I will keep you and your wife in my mind and send you as much light and positive vibes as I can spare.  Even though I am far from being a religious sort of dude, I will also send my prayers.

Take care of yourself, Kia.