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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 4, 2015 at 4:09pm

HollowHeart,

My situation isn't the same as yours, as it is my husband who died and not my sister, but almost everything else you wrote I completely understand and feel much the same way.

In my experience, nothing really helps much, but other people have found that there are some things that help them. You may want to consider doing some of them, or you may not, entirely up to you, but some of the things people have mentioned are therapy and/or grief counseling, medication, exercise, reading, video games. 

About the sleeping -- I can't sleep either.  My husband died three years ago, and almost every night since then I have taken either Benadryl or a sleeping pill in order to go to sleep at all. I had stopped taking them for a month or so and was sleeping ok (not great, but ok), and then my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer so that went out the fucking window (she is cancer-free now, thankfully, but still has other health issues).

I used to have anxiety issues, for years, and took medication for it sometimes (like for a couple of years at a time). By the time my husband and I got engaged, I had cut way down on the medication, and shortly thereafter stopped taking it, and was fine. Then he died. I took meds to sleep, but didn't resume the anti-anxiety meds because what would be the point? I was severely depressed (still am), not anxious, as the worst possible thing had already just happened. But then when my Mom started having these health issues, my anxiety shot up again, so now I have to take the Benadryl or sleeping pill every night again, and I have Xanax for anxiety.  Sorry, i'm not sure why i'm saying all this, but anyway you might want to try taking a couple of Benadryl at night to sleep and see if that works for you.

You might meet someone in the future to be your partner/boyfriend/husband, so maybe you won't be alone for the next 40 years. You may also find some friends. I hope you find both, but of course neither could ever replace your sister. I have a sister too, with whom I am very close (I am close with her husband also; he is truly like a brother to me).  I basically either am spending time alone at home, or with them, and that's it. I love my parents, but it's very hard for me to spend time with them (my Dad lives about 2 hours away, and while my Mom lives nearby, I find it very difficult to ever talk about anything other than how much I love and miss my husband and how much I want to die, and of course that is very hard for them to hear, so I try not to say it around them, which makes it hard to spend time with them.  When I am with my sister and her husband I don't have to censor myself quite as much, plus we usually watch science fiction series and the like on dvd, so that kind of becomes the focus of the evening, and the topic of conversation.

I won't tell you not to feel guilty about your sister's death, because it's not my place to do so and because I doubt it would change how you feel. To a lesser extent I feel guilty about my husband's death as well -- he had a heart attack at age 40, and while normally one wouldn't expect that we should have, as his dad has had serious heart problems for years, and we should have thought that he might as well.  I should have MADE him go to the doctor, though of course he wouldn't go if he didn't want to (I imagine the same is true of your sister).  I mostly don't feel guilty, because I did try repeatedly to get him to go, and he was a grown man and made his own decisions. Anyway, my point is that ultimately it isn't your fault, even if you still feel guilty.  I don't know if there's an afterlife or not, but if there is I'm sure that my husband doesn't blame me, and I doubt if your sister blames you either.

Sorry, I'm rambling now. 

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 4, 2015 at 4:31pm

I know it's not the same situation (as in WHO we lost) I meant it is the same (or very similar) with the emotions. I don't think it matters who we lose, if you are extremely distraught about their death and it affects your everyday life, it doesn't make a difference if it is a husband, brother, mother, sister, or wife. It's still a significant loss. But I understand relating more to others who lost a husband. I feel the same with sibling grief.

I had not had a death in the family since my grandmother and she was 103 so it's not like I was that distraught as she lived a long life and was very old. I was able to move on very quickly from her death. This is unbearable to lose someone so close to me and such an integral part of my everyday life.

I am seeing a therapist tomorrow so I will see how it goes. I need something. People tell me "I can't imagine losing my sister" well, hell, I couldn't imagine that shit either! I never once in my life expected this to happen. I could not imagine life without her and now I have to.  I think about finding someone (husband or boyfriend) but I'm not a happy person right now and I can't imagine trying to date in my state of mind, all sad and all that.  But I feel this kind of desperation in finding someone as I feel like I have no one now, at least I'd have my sister to grow old with, now I don't have that.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 4, 2015 at 5:04pm

I hope I didn't offend you; I truly did not mean to.  I was agreeing with you, in that such horrible losses have affected us very similarly.

I have has grandparents die, and aunts & uncles, and while those deaths were sad, they were nothing compared to the death of my husband. He is my soul, so when he died my soul was torn from me.  I know it sounds a bit silly, but I really feel a lot like a zombie now -- I do daily tasks, barely, but I don't care about any of it, and I don't want any of it. The death of someone so close to you truly is unbearable.

I hope the therapist is able to help you.  I understand that you are not happy now, and you probably won't be for quite a while, but maybe eventually you will feel capable of finding someone good and being in a relationship.  I would say don't act on your desperation, though, as you don't want to settle for someone who isn't right for you just out of that desperation.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find some peace.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 4, 2015 at 7:34pm

You didn't offend me. It's actually been hard to find others who have lost siblings, but reading your comments I just felt the same pain and loss. I feel so frustrated and stuck in not being able to go go hang out or talk with my sister. It's like being stuck in quicksand, wanting to move but can't. I just want to do what I used to do with her but I can't and I can't believe this is real.

I can't believe this is my real life and she is gone. I sometime feel like I can't breath if I think about her being gone and I have to take deep breaths and pace back and forth and try to calm myself. I truly only wish this pain on my worse enemy. I just feel like my life is over and I actually hate that I want to end my life just to end this. But hers is gone too and that is unbearable as well. Oh God why? Why us?

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 4, 2015 at 9:09pm

Ok, good.  I hope posting here (on this thread, and on this site generally) helps you.  I was going to suggest you look for a group here for people who have had siblings die, but I see that you started one -- I hope people join, and that it is helpful to you.

It really is horrible. I can't believe this is life, either. I literally cannot believe my husband is dead. The world is unreal to me now.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 4, 2015 at 9:28pm

Me too. I say the same thing. "I can't believe my sister is gone" I can't believe I will never hang out with her again. It is truly unreal. Even worse when I know I could have prevented it by just calling 911 sooner. I don't know why I did that. That adds to my PTSD.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 4, 2015 at 9:34pm

It is at least possible that she would have died even if you had called 911.

I wasn't with my husband when he had the heart attack (nor when he died), but my sister and her husband were, as well as a bunch of other people, including a nurse. When he collapsed, the nurse immediately started CPR, and someone called 911.  The EMTs got there pretty quickly, took over the CPR, etc.  He died anyway. Later the hospital told us that even if my husband had been in the hospital when he had the heart attack, with a doctor right there next to him, he still would have died -- that's just the kind of heart attack it was. I don't know your sister's exact situation, but perhaps it was similar. Even if it wasn't, there is always the possibility that a person will die anyway. It sucks, but it's not your fault.

Permalink Reply by Pam on April 19, 2015 at 1:29pm

Time does NOT heal. time changes grief but it does not heal the pain - don't believe that platitude!


Grief gets easier/less painful - I'm 20 months in & it's still as painful as day 1. I'm not deceived by that platitude.

In fact - chuck out all the platitudes because they're spoken by people who don't really understand or they're so far up themselves or 'into God' that they are in an ivory tower of unrealistic living....I can't/won't kid myself that there is a 'something/being out there. Sadly - Not in my world. I wish it were different, but it's not.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 19, 2015 at 3:12pm

Pam,

You are absolutely right -- time does not heal, at least not for everyone. Not for me. And grief does not get easier or less painful, not for me. The more time that passes, the more time it is that I have been without my beloved -- that makes things worse, not better. I don't even find that it changes grief, really. I feel pretty much exactly the same as I did the day my husband died.

Maybe for some people time does help -- I hope that is the case.  But to say that that is the case for everyone is simply a lie, and it pisses me off when people do that.

I agree that people should not spout platitudes. I think they do so because it makes them feel better. They probably genuinely want us to feel better, but the fact is that you can't make other people feel better, especially about such horrible circumstances. Platitudes just piss me off; I would rather people say nothing.

As for "god" -- I tend to agree that there is no such thing. Or if there is, it is either unwilling or incapable of helping.  But I don't care anymore whether or not there's a god; "god" is irrelevant to me.  I only care about the continued existence of my husband, and being with him again as soon as possible, and eventually being with my other loved ones as well.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on May 3, 2015 at 6:09pm

Just wanted to say a "hello" to you Bluebird. I have been reading a little bit on your thread and I would say, that I am very much in the same place as you....nothing really has helped much. Just a quiet resignation some days and at other times, flipping into a rage regarding Jesse dying, especially how he died.

Today, I had went to church but I am at the point of giving up that up too. A convicted murderer who completed his sentence and was released is now attending there. What is worse, with so much support from certain individuals it is pathetic. (I think they are trying to prove something about their own faith, I don't what. I think they are just plain nuts for letting this idiot come there. One thing if he showed an inkling of remorse). Of course I can only think of his victim lying in the grave and the poor family.

I think the injustice of it all, how someone can try to their upmost to live their life right, being kind to others, concerned that their impact on this planet is light, and all they get for their efforts is ran over like a bug on a road.

Bluebird, by the way, I think your wedding sounded lovely. I never was one for big events either, just simple and nice.

Also, sorry Gabrielle to hear of the loss of your sister. My daughter, Christina, who is now aged 28 is really struggling with the loss of her life partner -- her brother -- as well. He was the anchor in our family as well as my extended family.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 3, 2015 at 9:44pm

Hi Laurie.  I'm sorry you're having a hard time as well, though not surprised.

I suppose your church should be welcoming to the murderer, as it's kind of the job of a church to be accepting, but it is troublesome if he shows no remorse.

I agree about the injustice of all this, though. In mine and my husband's case, I think of all the couples who can't stand each other or abuse each other or can barely tolerate each other, who still live and have kids and all that, whereas my husband and I are and always have been very much in love, and god or fate or what-the-fuck-ever kills him and separates us, destroying both our lives and damaging the lives of everyone who cares about us.  There is no justice in that.

 

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Permalink Reply by sunflower on May 10, 2015 at 6:25am

Hi Bluebird

Have been reading your messages and have finally joined the group.  I have not seen any new messages from you recently and I wondered how you were and are you still replying to people's responses?

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