Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robin C. Scott on April 29, 2015 at 10:13pm

IT'S OKAY TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN YOUR GRIEF, KATHY. WHETHER ITS RETREATING INTO A SHELL, OR TALKING AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. 

I LOST MY ONLY SON NEW YEARS EVE, 2012. IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND MY WHOLE WORLD WAS LIKE AN ALIEN PLACE TO ME. WHEN THE FUNERAL WAS OVER, AND I WAS OUT OF THE CROWD-BACK HOME, IT WAS AS IF I WAS ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY LIFE LOOKING IN. MY SON ALSO WAS NOT YET 40. HE WOULD HAVE HAD HIS 39TH BIRTHDAY EIGHT DAYS AFTER HE DIED. LIKE YOU, MANY TRIED TO TELL ME I'D HAD HIM A LONG TIME, AND WANTED ME TO THINK THAT THE LOSS OF A SMALL CHILD WAS MORE UNBEARABLE THAN THE LOSS OF A MAN IN HIS LATE 30'S-OR LIKE I SHOULD BE SATISFIED WITH THE YEARS I HAD HIM!!! WELL- SEEMS TO ME, THE MORE TIME A CHILD IS IN YOUR LIFE, THE CLOSER YOU GROW TO THEM, AND THE DEEPER THE BOND. YOU HAVE THE TIME TO KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOUR CHILD IS, AND THEY BECOME MORE THAN YOUR CHILD. THEY ARE ALSO YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS. BUT WHO COULD KNOW THAT IF THEY LOST THEIR CHILD AT A YOUNG AGE??

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, AND I KNOW THE PAIN. WE HAVE TO TOTALLY CHANGE OUR LIVES TO FILL IN THE HORRID HURT THAT WANTS TO REMIND US IT'S THERE EVERY TIME THINGS GET QUIET. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS IF THEY HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED IT. I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY.

GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ALWAYS-

ROBIN SCOTT

Permalink Reply by Cathy Hume on May 1, 2015 at 12:32am

Robin,  thank you so much for your perspective.  You are so right and I have never been able to put into words how I feel when people make that sort of comment.  I cannot possibly even think that the pain can be ay worse or less because your child is young or older when they are taken from this life.  With an infant or younger child,  all of our hopes ad dreams for them and for the future are ripped away.  When we lose an adult child,   it is as you said,  the bond is different.  I don't know that it is stronger or not.  But we do have the blessing of knowing them as an adult  and  know them  in ways we could only dream of when holding our infant in our arms or  when we tucked them in at night,  watched as they approach adolescence. 

I so appreciate your understanding and empathy.  I hate that you or anyone understands how it leaves us after we have had a jagged hole ripped into the center of our heart and soul.  

I am so sorry that you lost your son.  You know,  I was saying to someone last night.  That is the first thing people say,  how sorry they are for our loss.   Sometimes I find myself trying to figure out how to reply to that with something more than thank you.  I know that when anyone says that,  they are sincere.  My tongue gets tied  and I wonder what else I can say.  I wonder if anyone else wonders about this.  

When our first son was murdered,  I went into a deep shell and stayed in that dark place for five years.  I hope that I can pull myself out sooner than that this time.  Our other son and daughter are our two oldest and at this point I want to drag them home an lock the doors,  not letting them out of my sight. 

It is the quiet moments I dread.  Then there are the times that it hits us out of the blue.   The times I think Jimmy or John would like something like a movie or an event-  when I cook something and say before thinking about how it was their favorite or special ways I fixed things to accommodate the foods they didn't like,  or a song...   the daily things,  you know what I mean

thank you so much.

God Bless. 

Permalink Reply by katherine foster on May 8, 2015 at 6:35pm

I only had my daughter for a few short years and losing her has drastically changed my life. I don't know what it is like to have an adult child die but I have never felt the need to say 'mine is worse than yours.' I have left other grief support groups because of this kind of 'competetiveness'. It's all just very sad that this is what has happened to all of us.

Permalink Reply by jill Gershon on April 30, 2015 at 7:47am

Hi Cathy.  Where about in Kansas?  I'm from KC, Mo.   I lost my son 34 years old on Nov. 22, 2013.  I know where you're at.  I am no longer the person I was.  It has taken the stuffing out of me.  Luckily, I work and that keeps me half sane.  Anytime you want to talk privately, please email me at jgershon@live.com.  

Jill

p.s.  you were not in the least long-winded!!!!

Permalink Reply by Cathy Hume on May 1, 2015 at 12:56am

Hi Jill.

Fort Riley-Junction City  is where in Kansas.  We are in KC quite frequently. 

I wish I were able to work,  that might make a difference,  having something to do,  routine...  something that occupies my mind and concentrate on other things. 

I really get what you mean when you say you are no longer the person you were.  Not only is this true for me,  but also for my husband, son, daughter an mother. 

thank you for sharing an trusting me with your email.  I may well take you up on that.  I am just letting myself touch my feelings.  I held everyone else up an held myself together.  Now the reality is settling in and it is time to take care of me.

I am so grateful to have found this website.  I have been reading other posts and the simple fact that there are so many people that really do understand  and whose stories help me to know that the things we are going through are not uncommon   and mostly that there really are no rules for grief.  

I am still navigating the site and am grateful it exists,  yet it hurts my heart that loss of love ones is the common denominator among everyone here.  When someone tells me they can't imagine what I must be feeling,   I tell them that I thank the Lord that they do not or cannot really understand what it feels like to lose your child.

Thank you, Jill.   I want you to know that if you want to talk privately  you can email me  [  cathynana69@gmail.com  ]  any time.  I do not go online every day but I will respond.  I need to also see if there is a private messaging or private chat option here on this site.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me.  

 

 

Permalink Reply by jill Gershon on May 6, 2015 at 8:17pm

Cathy, I will write this week hopefully.