Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by JaneS on April 4, 2015 at 5:53pm

Viv,

I'm old and I've lost a lot of people. But I lost my mom when I was just 16. I not only lost my mom, but I lost my home (my father was more committed to the Navy than he was to his family--he'd been gone for 2 1/2 + years, was told she had three months to live and could leave his command whenever he was ready, was ordered home a month before she died (the three months) and a month later put the house in storage and said "See ya," and went back to the Navy. My two older sisters were in college but I was just starting my junior year in high school--my third high school. I lost my home, my family, my school (although I was still very new to it) and even my dog, when I was put in my father's sister's home--someone my mother had set me up to distrust--she never liked any of my father's family.

As much as I loved my father--he'd always been put up on a pedestal (war hero, dad, my mother's greatest love), it wasn't until I was almost in my 50s when I realized just what little importance his children had in his life.

That's not to degrade fathers, especially your father, who obviously gave you the love you needed. My father didn't, but my mother certainly did.

Saying you are the first of your "generation" who has lost a parent, I understand how lonely you feel when your friends can't reach out to you in a way that helps. It's not that they don't want to help but until someone goes through this--it's a whole different world.

But don't separate yourself from others. Do not close yourself off from creating the life you wanted with your father there. He would have liked being there for you. Wherever he is, he will rejoice in the life you work to achieve.

Work to achieve what you want in life! "If you aren't moving forward, then you're moving backwards." Somewhere in my files I can give you the name of whoever said that--I even think it was L.L. Cool Jay but I don't think he was the original person who said it.

Never move backwards! Even at my old age of 64, and having lost my best friend, companion, and the best love of my life--never waste your life wallowing in pity when you're loved one would have wanted you to move on--to take what they had given you as your strength to move on (and that doesn't mean don't cry for them, don't miss them, don't mourn) but it does mean move on with strength because that is what they would have wanted for you.

Trust me, it ain't easy. It takes Moxy! It takes balls! It takes strength, but isn't that what your loved one worked so hard to install in you? It was if you think about it and it's something you owe them! Do it for them.

Your father loved you. You loved your father. His loss is your loss, but his strength lives in you and you owe it to him to live through that strength! It's not easy. In fact it's probably the hardest things any human has to endure--remembering the love, the strength a loved one has instilled in us and to use that, however hard, to move forward as our loved one would want us to do.

Viv, you owe that to your Dad! You owe that to yourself. You owe that to any child you may bring forth in the future. You are young and it is hard. But your dad gave you that strength. Do it for him. Do it for you. Just do it!

Jane

Permalink Reply by Danny on April 5, 2015 at 12:31pm

Good one Jane.  Just to add:  I prefer to use the move with rather than move on.  They are with us.

Permalink Reply by JaneS on April 5, 2015 at 2:22pm

You are absolutely right! I hadn't thought about that before but "move forward with them behind you" will become my new mantra!

Thanks, Danny.

Jane

Permalink Reply by Danny on April 5, 2015 at 2:26pm

Absolutely glad to help Jane ! 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on April 5, 2015 at 3:58pm

im so sorry viv it hapend 2 me 2 a lot of frinds wud cross rd wn thy saw me wn my dad died thy did i often thrt wt did i do wong 2 thm a few still do cross rd wn thy sea me a few no pain i will be in for er we will be 1s it  no pain dnt cross rd or treat me any diftn thy dnt iv got a few it no pain we in 

so sorry for yore losss i no u will get sic of evry sayng sorry 

Permalink Reply by Lori Brandt on June 10, 2017 at 11:40am

I'm so sorry for your loss! My dad died in January (Mom back in 1990). I'm sure I'm much older than you, but I too feel very alone! My brother is making the situation worse for me, and he's my only blood relative. I have attended a few different grief support groups, and that's what I'd suggest for you. I found some through local hospices, and one is at the library. Not everyone I talk to can understand how I feel right now, because dad was old and had Alzeimer's Disease. I took care of him for 10 years. Some people think I should just be feeling free and move on, but of course I'm grieving.