Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Fran on March 29, 2015 at 8:59pm

Ashlie,

My husband died last year after also being diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. He already had metastasis to the bones and a brain site...Our daughter was 3 weeks shy of turning 23 and my son was told on his 25th birthday that their father was living on borrowed time. They were/are living at home after college graduation...both looking for jobs. They were both very close to their father, just as you. It was always him they turned to with problems since he was more analytical, whereas I'm more emotional. They could see how sick he was and tried to help with what they could. My son did end up getting a full time teaching position a half hours drive away with the encouragement of his father. My daughter is still looking. They watched the man they knew and love suffer pain beyond imagination; they saw him lose nearly 75 pounds from March to November...We did everything we could, we saw all the doctors, we had chemo, radiation, and cyberknife....My husband felt almost as bad about the kids seeing him deteriorate as he did about dying. He knew that he was going to miss a lot of firsts...in fact, one of the first things he said to me after his diagnosis was " I'll never see my grandchildren".  Since he died I've learned that no matter what decisions we make, we  second guess ourselves. The "what if's" and "maybe if I had..." can drive you crazy. 

It sounds like you had a very good relationship with your dad. He loved you and you loved him. He didn't want you to see him wither away, to become a shadow of his former self. You need to continue living your life and working towards whatever degree you were working and make him proud. You will know what decision to make by channeling what he's taught you. Don't be afraid to talk about him. I encourage my kids to talk and share stories about their dad. They've had dreams about him and I have not, so I'm very jealous. It's not an easy time for you. Feeling lost is natural. Lots of people will have lots of cliche comments for you...they will tell you to move on...Until they suffer thru what you are going thru they haven't a clue...I will tell you(for what it's worth) it's ok to cry, it's ok to mourn/grieve; it is NOT ok to give up. Use what your father taught you and he will be with you!

We all share the pain here, but I'm hoping that you find your way....

Permalink Reply by Ashlie Bishop on March 29, 2015 at 9:08pm

My father and I were extremely close. He was the only one there for my little brother and I when our mom left us for another man the summer before my junior year of high school. I have no intentions on giving up. I still think about the way he spoke of me being a college athlete as well as making all A's. He always let up when I would walk through the door on the weekends and breaks I got to come home. He chose not to do the chemo after just one treatment because he didn't like the way it made him feel if it was never going to help anyways. There were a lot of decisions that my father made that it took awhile for me to get on board with. But at the same time, I had to remember it was him who was staring death in the face and that he wanted to just live his life with the time he had left. Its encouraging to know that I am not alone in these feelings. To be told that it is okay to be upset and lost like I am. I know eventually I'll find my way back but right now each day is a battle. As I search for jobs, and graduation is just 42 days away, it makes me miss dad even more. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Permalink Reply by Fran on March 29, 2015 at 9:25pm

You sound wise beyond your years, Ashlie. I'm so sorry that you have to really grow up so fast now. Athlete and straight A's???? You must be one smart girl. What are you majoring in?

Good luck with your graduation and job search, I hope you have more luck than my daughter who has threatened to live with me "forever". Feel free to contact me if you need an ear or an unsolicited opinion....

Permalink Reply by Ashlie Bishop on March 29, 2015 at 9:31pm

School and softball have always been my passions. I'm a double major in counseling and psychology, with a minor in art. I've learned the ways to help people through difficult times such as this, but actually applying it to myself isn't as easy. It was so much easier to be there for my stepmom and my brother but when it comes to healing myself I just break down and want to hide. My brother and I have lived with our mom since everything, which is a battle within itself. But I am looking to move out as soon as I graduate. Needless to say, I only come home anymore just for my little brother. If it wasn't for him, I'd only travel home when I had to.

Permalink Reply by Fran on March 29, 2015 at 9:53pm

My daughter majored in Psych, minored in English...which together doesn't even get her a job flipping hamburgers...She's checking into becoming a grief counselor since she now has the "experience" from one side....I'm a nurse(retired since his death) and have loads of experience helping others which, as you mentioned, is easier than helping oneself...

Again, sorry you've had to grow up so fast. But, I think it's wonderful that you're there for your brother. I know my two have become closer over the past year....

Permalink Reply by Ashlie Bishop on March 29, 2015 at 9:57pm

My struggle with finding a job is everyone wants a Masters degree. Which I won't have for another 2 years! But I plan on going into the mental health or juvenile areas. We have grown close within the last 2 months. We used to hardly talk even when I was home, but now we text while i'm at school. Plus he's in baseball season right now, and I know the feeling of still looking up to look for dad in the stands. So I try to be in the stands for him.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on March 30, 2015 at 4:14am

Dear Ashlie,

My deepest condolences on the loss of your father. I can relate to your suffering, as I lost my darling husband to Stage 4 lung cancer. He, too, was given 2 years to live when he was diagnosed. He lived for nine months after his diagnosis. He was 49 years old. He was the love of my life and now that he is gone, my life has very little meaning for me. I go on living without wanting to, actually really wishing for my own death. It's just unbearable.

Please don't torment yourself. When faced with a terminal illness of a loved one, family members have very little control. We'll never know how or if things would have turned out differently if we had acted differently, so thinking about it will cause more unnecessary pain as no answers will be forthcoming.

There is really nothing we could have done to change the outcome. I, too, sometimes wonder if I should have respected Joseph's wishes and and let him not get the excruciatingly painful chemotherapy. The treatment didn't seem to help. But I console myself by saying that I did the best I could under the circumstances. My darling husband was terminal when diagnosed, and he had very little time left. It is extremely painful to process this thought, but this is the hand we have been dealt.

I am sure your father knows how much you love him and he is proud of you and approves of you. He watches over you and guides you. A time will come when you will feel his presence and know that he is speaking to you, guiding you, walking next to you.  You will get signs from him that will help you make decisions and know he's looking out for you.

All the very best to you as you journey through this horrible pain. We are here on this site to listen to you and share our pain with you. Hugs, Trina Mamoon