Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Orville Hamman Jr. on March 13, 2015 at 6:59pm

Permalink Reply by MarieSte on March 13, 2015 at 8:33pm

Orville, I'm truly sorry for your loss. 
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of your loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to be. You will get through it with baby steps at your own pace. Everyone's journey is unique and only you can decide what's right for you and which path to take. By using this site you will know you are not alone. Others can relate to your loss. I have been able to move forward with baby steps by expressing my grief through writing and also with the knowledge that my boyfriends spirit and love will be with me forever. He has sent me signs that he now sees through my eyes and he has put thoughts in my head. He helps me write my poems as I never wrote before his death. It is still hard I still miss him so much but somehow I have learned to live with the pain.  Bless you on your journey.

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/grief-journey-what-pack

Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on March 22, 2015 at 12:13am

That is beautiful, I am glad that you can see and feel your soul mate with you now....Hope you are doing as well as expected...

Hugs for you...

Permalink Reply by MarieSte on March 22, 2015 at 6:19am

Thank you Lost & Alone-hope you are too. Hugs-bless you.

Permalink Reply by Debra Border on March 13, 2015 at 9:19pm

I haven't been to this site in quite a while, but the post by Orville struck a note.  I know how you are feeling.  The bottom just dropped out of your life.  You just want to die too.  I was there seven years ago when I found my husband of 38 years dead in the yard from a heart attack.  No warning at all.  We were preparing for a European vacation.  For a year I threw myself into work and any physical labor I could find.  I cut down or trimmed bare every tree on our two acres.  I could not set still, read or watch tv.  I felt guilty for any thought that was not about him.  I was still alive and he was gone before he even got to retire.  After a year my grief lost the horrible stinging edge and I was able to enjoy food again and think about other things on occasion.  Now, seven years later I still feel his loss, but I am functional in a new way.  I have discovered things about myself that I never would have if my husband were here.  I would take him back in a heartbeat, and I am ready to go be with him whenever God says the word.  But it's not my time.  Apparently I have more work to do.  Once I learned that, that God must have left me here for a reason, I began looking for that reason.  I think it is just to help and teach others by living the best life we can.  Great loss is visited on many people, if God thinks we are strong enough to bear it.  I have suffered other sudden losses of loved ones since my husband died, and I think I've been able to handle those losses with increasing grace and understanding.  Please don't despair, Orville.  You will see your beloved again, in God's time. 

Permalink Reply by Karen T. on March 14, 2015 at 7:39am

Oriville,

I am so sorry for your loss- I lost my husband this past October and I am just starting to feel like their is still a place for me in this world. It eventually will happen but it is very hard and a very depressive road to go done especially if you don't have something to hold on to to keep yo ugrounded like I have my son.

I miss my husband so much. He was basically my first everything only because he was the second guy I went out with (the first one dumped me after a month and then a met my husband 2 days later-17 years later we were still as happy and in love as day 1). Think about the good times. If something ccomes up that gives you a memory try to make it a good on not bad that way you cry less. Also see a doctor, their is no shame in it, especially if it can help.

Also stay on here- it has helped me talking to others on here as well- I even now look forward to getting messages from people on here because they completely understand me and what I am going through.

I hope you start feeling better at least  a little and can get some help.

Karen T.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on March 21, 2015 at 5:03pm

I am so sorry for your loss - having lost my young wife unexpecedtely a little over seven months ago I myself can relate to your pain and misery.   Though I will never say that I know how you feel, or how anyone else who lost a loved one unexpectedly feels, I can say that it is a comfort to know that there are others who are walking along the same path as I, and hearing their stories have helped me cope tremendously.  Again,  I cannot imagine how you must feel right now - but know that there are many on this page who understand the dark place that you are in and how hard it is to remember that there is light outside of it.  I wish you well, sir

 

Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on March 22, 2015 at 12:15am

My sympathy to you, everyone on here knows what you are going through to some extent... Please take your time and tell us any thing that will help you... here we all help each other

God bless you

Permalink Reply by Orville Hamman Jr. on March 22, 2015 at 4:01am

 I am still having a very hard time since losing her. I still cry every day, sometimes all day long, and sometimes for several days in a row. I ask God almost every day why, and why he won't let me die so that I can be with her again. I miss her so much. She was everything to me. Everyone says with time, with time, but it only seems to be getting worse for me. Each new day is another day without her. There is nothing I care about any more. I have lost over 30 pounds since she left. I just want her back. I don't understand why God did this to me. We were finally so happy to be in our new home, out in the country where we have wanted to be for so long. It just wasn't fair. I just don't understand. She never did anything to hurt anyone. I just don't understand.

Permalink Reply by MarieSte on March 22, 2015 at 6:15am

Orville, as I said above I write to express my grief, here are three poems that between them mirror your words at the moment. I am sharing them with you to try to help you but you travel in your shoes this is your journey and your path to take. I am merely shining a little light.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on March 22, 2015 at 10:47am

I can relate to the loss of weight.  As a funeral director in real life, I know that grief can be very overwhelming, especially under circumstances such as yours and mine.  In my case I had to remind myself to eat even though I had no appetite and food had no taste for me.  Since I was never hungry I had to force myself to eat something and do my best not to starve myself inadvertently.  I also made a decision to judiciously stay away from drowning my sorrow in booze, since it is all to common for folks to use alcohol to numb themselves from the pain. 

 

I can say that there is a common phenomena that is well known among funeral directors about spouses passing away within a short time of each other - we say that the one left behind died of a broken heart.  Having experienced the death of my beloved wife of 16 years, I can see how easy it would have been to give up on life, not eat (I lost 40 pounds in two months) and crawl into a bottle of whiskey, not sleep or sleep too much and withdrawl into depression- and anyone who does that is going to lose their life in a very short time.  

 

I want to enourage you to seek grief counseling- I did and it was a great help.  Reach out to friends and family.  Spirituality can be a great help too - I am by no means a true believer however sitting in services at local churches and temples did help me.  There is something to be said about just sitting in a sacred space that is uplifting, be it a Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, or Hindu - I've been to them all and it did help.

 

And be careful of your emotions - I had to hold back the urge to punch a well meaning guy in the face who told me that my wife's death was god's will and that Jesus took her and that she was in a better place.   People say all kinds of funky things - and they mean well even though it is sometimes very hard to not react to the stupid things that they say.

 

Please know that you are not alone.  Continue to reach out as you are doing.  I know that it is a hard time and it is very difficult to perceive a life without your beloved by your side, but please know that your wife would likely not want you to just give up and roll up into a ball and fade away, so as a matter of respect we owe it to our departed loved ones to live as well as we can. That is the greatest way to honor their memories.  They continue to live though us  and will  as long as we remember them and keep them in our hearts.

 

My prayers and positive thoughts go out to you, Orville!

 

 

Permalink Reply by vinnie perez on March 26, 2015 at 6:01pm

So sorry for your loss, it is so hard to push through each day, I lost my husband, we were together for 40years, since I was 16. When you spend everyday together all those years ,you don't know anything else. Even down to making a cup of coffee for one, I know for me I can be surrounded y my whole family and feel completely alone. I find I stare at   other couples walking down the street and think that should be us, we had so many plans for the golden years, which do not exist, my family does not know this, they will think I'm crazy, but I sleep with his baseball cap he wore all the time. I guess we should be grateful that we had them as long , I hope you find some peace

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