Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by jill smith on March 9, 2015 at 7:49am

Hi Keri,
My mom died Oct. 21, 2014 so very close to when your mother died. She had fought breast cancer 11 years. We found out on a Wednesday the chemo was not working anymore and she died the following Monday. I too thought we would get the holidays etc with my mom. I did not believe she was going to die until she did. So even though you knew one day this was going to happen, it is still very shocking and I have yet to hear anyone say they were prepared for that person to die. For me it feels like a sudden loss. 

I know it is hard to not blame yourself but she could have died in the hospital and not had that night at home with your family where she was so happy. You never know. 

I think grief can be a lonely process even in a house full of people. And it is different for everyone. I know going to a grief group and a counselor has helped me a lot. To be around people who understand how I feel. This site helps a lot too.

Most of my friends have not lost a parent and they are uncomfortable with death. There are only a couple people I feel I can really talk to about it at this point. And it is irritating when people expect you to be "over it" I will never be over my mom. 

Your mother filled a big part of your life and that hole is never going to fill up completely. The people I talk to who have lost their moms (even people who lost them 25 years ago) say you never get over it, but you learn to live with it...this new reality without your mom. But right now it is so hard. My 2 boys were very close to my mom. This past week they both had some pretty great things happen for them. She was the first person we would call when this happened. So I found myself sitting in my car bawling my eyes out in the grocery store parking lot because I could not share these things with my mom. It has left me in a funk. 

I have found taking things day by day has worked best for me. I cry every day at one point, like you do. Some people have mentioned a year is about when they felt better. But everyone is different. 

Anyway, I felt like I am going through a lot of the same things you are and I just wanted to share. That is what I like about this site. For me, sharing here is part of my grief process.

Jill

Permalink Reply by Keri Adams on March 9, 2015 at 11:10am

Jill,

Thank you so much for responding. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I wish there was a better way to express my sympathy. Every term of condolence seems hallow now. I've heard them all, as I suspect you have as well.

As I read how you were crying in your car at the grocery store, my heart hurt with complete understanding. I have three children, 22, 17, and 2. My eldest children have a lifetime of memories of their grandmother. Even with that blessing I still mourn for all the special moments in their lives that she will not be there to share. But I struggle most with my youngest. She is so happy. So cute and discovers new things every day. The other day she said "Grandpa" for the first time. In that moment I was both overjoyed, especially for my father, and completely heartbroken in the absence of my mother. She lived for her grandchildren. And my baby will not remember how much love, pride, and joy her grandmother gave her and had because of her. She will not remember her laugh, her voice, or her embrace. The task of teaching my little Abby what an amazing person her grandmother was seems impossible. And my heart physically aches because of it.

So, the next time you find yourself in tears know that you are not alone in your grief. I (and many others) are having that moment too. While that may not bring you any comfort I hope it will make you feel less alone.

Keri 

Permalink Reply by Kris Baclawski on March 9, 2015 at 4:21pm

Hi Keri:

I am sorry about the loss of your mom and was reading your response to Jill.  The following may help you in getting your youngest to know her grandma.  This is a daily thought that comes from the Hartson Funeral Home of WI for people who are grieving. 

Day #83 – Remembering Grandma

A family of 5 adult sisters suddenly lost their mother at age 70. At the time, their children ranged in age from 6 months to 17 years old. The sisters who had younger children were distraught that their children would not remember their grandma. One of the older sisters wrote a letter to the younger kids to capture the essence of grandma.

Dear Matthew, Lauren, Nicholas & Moira,

Your time with Grandma was cut short by her illness and I am truly sorry for both you and Grandma, as I am sure your relationship together would be filled with love, laughter and wonderful memories. At the time of Grandma’s death you were too young to know her so I want to share with you what a wonderful warm person she was to everyone.

Her talents were many and she had a fabulous reputation as a school teacher, was a loving wife, caring mother and she always bragged about her grandchildren – in other words, they could do no wrong. Family was the main focus of Grandma’s life. The smile on her face when talking about family beamed to the moon. Her and Grandpa where a great pair – always together and always smiling.

Grandma had many hobbies that included sewing, crocheting, crafts, cooking and gabbing with everyone. She made the best 7-layer cookies and the freezer was always full of cookies. As she would say, “you never know who could stop by”.

With all tragedies come life lessons and our family learned during Grandma’s illness that she was amazingly brave and had more strength than we ever knew. She had a will to fight until the end, as she wanted to see her grandchildren grow up.

The fact that your Mom is now reading this letter to you means you are old enough to understand the loss of Grandma. While it is sad, stop for a minute –look at your Mother and smile because the apple does not fall far from the tree and you will see Grandma.

Love, Auntie

Share your insight of the one you lost with others.

I thought this was a particularly nice way to remember a grandparent and share that connection with a younger family member who did not get to know him or her. 

I lost my Mom in June 2011 somewhat unexpectedly from surgical complications.  I remember her every day...and now almost 4 years later, most of the memories are happy ones.  My older sister and I were her primary caretakers for the last 4 years of her life.  Both of us are single and without children...and most of my struggles have been in negotiating the new dynamics of a relationship with this sister who is geographically closest, but who is not the emotionally closest. 

Take care, Kris

Permalink Reply by Kris Baclawski on March 9, 2015 at 4:38pm

Hi Keri:

I'm not certain that a loved one's prolonged illness necessarily prepares a survivor for their passing.  My mom was 88 when she passed away from complications of an emergency surgery.  In her case, there were no good options, only one that was had a slightly better chance of her surviving.  She had a stroke and went on life support until our family made a decision.   I still remember that final weekend, though I walked through it in a daze. 

It is quite normal to feel the emotions you're feeling.     It sounds as if you could use some quiet time to yourself to reflect and grieve in your own way.  Perhaps you could write letters to your mom--sort of a journal.   You may be shouldering more than your share.   Take care of yourself, get a massage, or do something that is nurturing to you. 

I think your mom passed the way she wanted to--free of the hospital and equipment surrounded by her family.   Try to be comforted by that happiness she had.   And know you will see her again. 

Take care,

Kris

Permalink Reply by Keri Adams on March 9, 2015 at 9:55pm

Thank you so much for your caring responses. I am so sorry for your loss. It helps to know that others understand how I feel, to have validation that I'm not crazy. So many in my life avoid me, think I should be over it or move on, or simply have no idea how to interact with me. Most days I feel like someone with a contagious disease or outcast of some kind. My family is so caring but even they are completely baffled by my unceasing grief.

How does one simply stop grieving the woman who gave them everything? It's been 5 months since she passed. She loved me every day of my life, even when she didn't agree with me, even when I did things that made her not like me very much, she ALWAYS loved me. How can anyone possibly think that 40 years of unconditional love, support, and sacrifice could be so quickly mourned?

At any rate, Thank you again. It means so much to me to have someone care.

Permalink Reply by pushpa on March 11, 2015 at 7:22am

Keri,I'm sorry about your mom.I feel our situation is similar.After my mom's death my dad & my brother stayed with my husband and me for around 8 months. Recently they shifted to their own place.

My mom was assaulted in her house,40 days later she died.My husband,my brother & me stayed in the hospital all this while. After being discharged, we moved mom and dad to my house in another city.Since last 6 months prior to mom's assault ,my brother had been staying with us.His wife of 4 years had filed a complaint of domestic violence against us with the police .they had been asking for ransom to put off the complaint and divorce ,threatened us with dire consequences. My brother developed hypertension and diabetes.We had promised mom that my brother would stay with us till he got over with the traumatic divorce.With this background, we got the news of assault on mom.

Since her death its been four of us in the house,I don't have kids.

My dad & brother are the most affected by mom's death.Dad lost his soulmate and my brother lost his mom,who was his anchor, his support during the traumatic divorce.Both became introverts.Men are not so vocal with their thoughts esp. grief.I too miss my mom,have cried incessantly,have sleepless nights,have the urge to call her.But it doesn't help.The realisation that I wouldn't see her in this lifetime kills me.

Mom is the backbone of the family.You have to play your mom's role now.

Keri may you find the strength.Take care.

Permalink Reply by Dixie Brossart on April 12, 2015 at 6:42am

Wow, my mom died on october 19th. She was 67 and had lived with early alzheimers for 4 years only before dying in a rehab center from a blood clot. The guilt I am feeling and grief is unbearable.  Yes, my family, friends etc also act as if I should move on or have stopped talking to me about her. It is very strange. I thought that I would be prepared for her death...in 10 years like the Dr.'s told me.  But she died suddenly and I feel it was my fault for being neglectful.  I too am in a house full of kids, dogs and a husband who just doesnt understand. Who makes me want to throw dishes at him for his know it all attitude.  I am lost. 

Permalink Reply by charity wolf on May 20, 2015 at 10:05am

I just want to say sorry to all of you. It is so rough loosing our Mamas. I have also learned that society wants us to just get over it. I have also learned that grief comes in waves and there is no earthly way to deny the pain. The more we loved, the more deeply we hurt. Isn't that the miracle of an open heart, a deep connection? My Mama was everything to me, she is in every cell of my being. She died in January:( I am NOT the same person nor will I ever be again.

 We need to nurture ourselves during this life changing time...self care:)

Permalink Reply by charity wolf on May 20, 2015 at 10:08am

hi Dixie:) please don't blame yourself...It was your Mamas time to go and nothing you could have done could change that. Guilt is a natural part of grief. Grief is the single most painful experience and there is NO preparing for it. I wish you peace of heart, knowing that your Mama is a rest..

one second at a time...hug