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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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I can not help those who don't want help. When I came on this site I felt like all you. depressed,no longer wanted to live,sadness,joyless and unbearable pain missing my husband for over 4 months and nothing mattered to me. Until one day after crying out to God and my Husband for months to take this darkness out of me,my prays were answered. It was though the dark cloud is no longer there.
I feel sorry for those who reject life after their loved ones have passed away. I love my Husband so deeply I wanted to honor him to live the rest of my life as best of my ability to be happy and find joy whatever that may be. Thinking about our loving times still pains me but when I think about how much we love each now and I find comfort in that the love we share. He has proven his love for me by giving me so many signs and gifts. My pink golf ball was a gift from him 5 days after he crossed the other side,I had dream visitation from him,had one conservation with him in a dream,my cell phone went on by itself in front of me,my son and grand daughter,my land line was ring late at night when I picked it up it was pure static,finding pennies in the weirdest places like in my shower,a man's voice imprint was recording in my friend's voice mail without no phone number,date and time while l was listen to the same sound on my cell phone,first time in a very long time I saw beautiful black,orange and white butterfly the first week of my husband passing,my friend heard foot steps and saw someone in my home when there was just two of us,a draft blew in face that blew my hair away from my face while walking in my bedroom,my son sprinkler head busted a 4:00 am while sleeping in my son down stairs bedroom that is locates next the sprinkler system,two months later he told that was the sprinkler my Husband repaired."Tis the Season" a xmas song was google searched on xmas eve morning,someone name John was interested in renting one my rooms,when I emailed to reply to him,the company said that account don't exist,while taking to a friend on my cell suddenly we heard weird noises and we were disconnected. When I called her back,she describe it as wind sounds,my dogs barking at nothing staring at my sliding door that leads out to my patio,I had at least over 25 withheld 5 days on cell phone within 3 months after my Husband's after passing on my cell phone which I have never had one before my husband's passing and best of all since I been sleeping in our bed I have feel his presence deep inside of me every night and every night I tell him I love you and find our heaven honey because I will be with you sooner or later. Our love for each other will last for eternity and even after my beloved husband's passing we are still finding ways to love each other. I'm so blessed..
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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If you feel better, that's good. But as I have said multiple times, YOUR way is not the way for everyone else.
I have had "signs" as well, that i truly hope are from my husband, but they are not proof.
I am sure you do love your husband deeply. I love my husband deeply. The fact that you and I react to our husband's deaths in ultimately different ways doesn't mean that you love your husband more than I love my husband, or vice versa. It means only that we are different people, and that we react differently. I love my husband so much that without him here with me, I no longer want anything to do with life.
I will always love my husband, for as long as I exist in any way, and if there is an afterlife in which he exists, I know he does still and always will love me. If there is an afterlife, I WILL be with my husband again in it, because I will nit allow anyone or anything to prevent us from reuniting.
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My Husband is not dead,only his physical presence he dead. He exist in total spirit with all his personally traits and the emotions he carries over to the other side, there too much evidence to prove that there is a after life. My husband's want's me enjoy life again and I will honor is wishes because I love him so much. I carry my Husband with me in my heart and mind everyday of my life and appreciate fully we are still loving each other even after his passing. My husband giving me so much in life and after his passing I own it to him and myself to make the best of it without him.
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You are lucky to have such faith. It's good you have found a path that works for you.
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This has nothing to with faith or luck but the love I have for my Husband. Love is making each other happy even after death.
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It has to do with love, yes, but also with faith. I love my husband more than anyone or anything else in the universe. I just don't have faith in god, or an afterlife.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Wishing everyone here a gentle evening...
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Permalink Reply by black dog on
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also a very very very relevant song! the lyrics are perfect! i always listen to lana del rey because she is the embodiment of my emotions more often than not. good for a cry to relieve yourself a little.
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