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Delayed Response
My father passed away in 2008 from multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone). It was a sudden death that happened about a year after diagnosis. I was in college at the time and in no state to deal with reality. My family and I have always had a difficult relationship and were not overly affectionate towards one another. I would say that I was definitely closer with my father than I was with my mother. I ended up going through a rebellious young adulthood. This distanced my relationship with my father. He was living in a different state at the time due to problems between him and my mother so I didn't see him much. Once he got sick it was difficult because in the back of my mind I always tried to prepare myself that he was going to die. Little did I know at the time that there is very little that can be done to prepare a person for death. Especially death of a close family member. The day I got the call about my father passing was probably the most difficult time in my life. All I can remember was screaming in my room until one of my roommates came to calm me down. The shock of the situation stayed with me for about a year. I allowed myself to cry one full day. After that I felt some responsibility to get myself together and manage the other things going on in my life. I was a full-time student, exams were going on, I worked and was surrounded by great friends that I didn't want to neglect. For some reason I felt that no one should have to deal with the sad, depressed me that I wanted to be. As years went by I dealt with the loss ok but from time to time I would become extremely introverted and seclude myself from others. I would spend hours thinking of all the things I would not be able to share with my father and it filled me with so much sadness. Now that it has been almost 7 years since he passed I find myself finally addressing the issue the way I should have back then. My husband is very supportive and encourages me to visit his grave often. That was really hard for me. Going to the grave really made it real and I just pictured myself falling to pieces crying in a ball in front of his tombstone. The fear of others seeing me like this was too frighting to deal with. Now I feel a lot better about it and look forward to going. I have this journal where I write letters to him, updating him on my life and saying all the things I wish I said. I believe this was the part that really changed a lot for me. Because our family isn't that close, I never found the strength to tell him how I felt about him and our relationship. My father was always hard on me. He was a military man and strict in his ways. That being said, he was the most amazing person I have ever known. He spent so much time dedicating to making others lives worth living. He did this because he felt it was right, not for praise or recognition. He did so much for others while his main goal was making sure he provided for his family. He was always there for us. He came to every sports game, home and away, and tried ridiculously hard to teach me about history by making it come to life through stories. There is so much he has done for me that I never thanked him for. He was an amazing person and an irreplaceable father. I pray often and always try to speak to him and let him know how I feel. It makes me feel better to believe that he knows how great he was and how much we love and appreciate him everyday.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on
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Hello Shayna,
What a beautiful and moving tribute to your father! Your love and admiration for your father and his qualities all come through in your post. Also what come through is that you have a lot of courage and that you have come a long way in your journey of seven years. Keep on writing and it will bring you healing and peace.
My journey of loss--I lost my amazing husband to lung cancer--is still relatively fresh; it's only been six months. Like you, I yearn to tell my husband all the untold things. I would tell him very often, and he me, how much I love him. I also told him often how much I appreciated all the wonderful and thoughtful things he did for me, but I just wish I did it more often. One of the pains of coping with the death of a loved one is that you don't get to say the things you meant to say. But I believe in my heart that our departed loved ones know how we much we miss them and how much they mean to us and how very much we love them. So perhaps you can take comfort in the thought that your father knows how much you love him and how much you appreciate him.
Best regards, Trina
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Permalink Reply by Shayna on
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Trina,
Thank you so much for your kinds words and encouragement. It isn't easy but the writing helps for sure. It is something that I wish I had time for more often, but I am getting better at talking about my feelings regarding the subject which keeps him alive in my thoughts.
I truly admire you and feel for you during this time. I can't imagine the loss of a spouse or child and know that pain is something that isn't easily avoidable. It seems like you and your husband had a very open and strong relationship. This is something very powerful to hold onto. It seems as if you both had a lot of love for one another and since he is gone it will always feel like there could have been more. I feel like that's where we end up hurting ourselves more. There is no doubt in my mind that you showed your husband how much you loved him and that he knew your strong feelings towards him. Once they are gone, we focus so much on what we didn't do or say but sometimes we forget how much we did with and for them while they were here that showed that love. I also hope that you can take comfort in the thought that your husband knows your love and appreciation for him and that he is still there supporting you in ways you can't see or feel. If you ever feel down and can't handle the pain, know that you always have someone to reach out to. I am here!!
Shayna
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Shayna, Want to say hello and say that was a wonderful Tribute you posted for your Dad. I had a wonderful childhood with my Dad. He and Mom had nine kids and I was the last one. There five brothers and four girls. My Dad was a Coal Miner in the Eastern Mountains of Kentucky. My Dad worked in the coal mines by day and most of the night raising a garden for food for Mom to can and put up for our food in the cold Winters we had then. Our Mom had a spit fire temper and never though about sitting down and talking to us, but Dad would sit for hours talking and explaining life in general to us. He knew the Bible from page one to the last page in the last book. He never yelled or scolded any of us. Have to say I miss my Dad so much, because he went to Heaven to live on January 11 1980, and I have not been able to have any kind of talk with him. Would give anything I could if it were possible for me to pick up a phone and be able to call and hear him talk to me one more time. Of course I miss my Mom, who passed away on Oct 22 1966, but have always missed my Dad the most. We cannot change GODS Plans and have to accept it when we lose a loved one. Always say " see you soon" instead of good bye when I love one of my family or a good friend. Also have had to let five brothers and my oldest sister take their Journey to Heaven. Still have two sisters here but we are not that close. Do not live close to each pother, but do try to say hello every once in a while. Thanks for letting me vent so long, but I will say a Prayer for you and hope you days will start being easier and soon we will all re-unite in the Sweet By and By. Stay safe and keep moving slowly. Keep your Journal going forward also, that will be great memories for you to re read in a few years from now..................Shirley
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