Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on February 24, 2015 at 6:05pm

Thanks Marie, saved the image...

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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on February 24, 2015 at 4:35pm

We have free will to choose what path we take in life. I myself chooses the light and not the darkness after my beloved Husband passing. Also I love my family too much to continue to want to die because want happens in my life effects them too. It would be selfish on my part not to consider their feelings in wanting to die and living a life of hopelessness and despair. Truth love considers all.

There are many situations we are not in control like death. But we choose the path we take to deal with our loved ones passing. It's your choice in wanting die to be with your soul mate. That is choice.

I think one difference is that you prayed to god and to your husband to take the pain away from you, whereas that is not something I want. I have absolutely zero desire to live this life, without my husband.  I want this pain to kill me, I want to die as soon as possible, and if there is an afterlife I want to be with my husband (and eventually my other loved ones). That's all.----With that mentality you wont' be with your husband in the after life because you disregard your life as it means nothing after you husband passing and your family's feelings as well. How would  your family feel if you died? Have considered them in your equation to just give up to die? In the after life there is no hell,the only hell is in you for the pain you caused to your family if you died. You will regret this because you will feel guilt and sadness for the great pain you caused your family when you died.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 24, 2015 at 10:07pm

Val,

I don't know how to make this any more clear to you -- NOT EVERYONE HAS TAKEN OR CAN TAKE OR SHOULD TAKE OR IS EVEN MEANT TO TAKE THE SAME PATH YOU TAKE.  It is the height of hubris for you to assume that your way of dealing with grief is the only way.  You "choose" the light, fine -- the light is not even available as a choice to me. I do not believe here is some "loving god" who gives a damn about me, but if there is then s/he royally screwed up by allowing my husband to die when he did (at age 40, one week after our wedding).

Yes, it is my choice to want to die to be with my soulmate.  Life holds nothing for me now, and never will.  All the "good" things are bad, because he is not here to share and celebrate them with me. All the bad things are even worse, because he is not here to help me figure them out and deal with them. I love my family very much, and if I kill myself then yes, that will be a selfish action on my part. I accept that. But I also will not live for 10 or 20 more years in this hell of being apart from my husband. I refuse.

As for your idea that "...With that mentality you won't be with your husband in the afterlife because you disregard your life as it means nothing after your husband's passing and your family's feelings as well".  That proclamation of yours is full of all kinds of wrong. Firstly, you have no more idea than any other human whether there is an afterlife, and if there is you have no idea of whether I will be with my husband there.  As for my family, I have absolutely considered them in my desire to die, and I know how much hurt it will cause them when I die, and I would still rather die. Again -- yes, I know it's selfish, and if I could die without hurting them then of course that is what I would do, but I cannot and will not live like this for more years.

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Permalink Reply by Roger on February 24, 2015 at 4:15pm

mluebird, all my post are depressing too. My disposition is very similar to yours. It is because that's how I feel too. There are times when I am around friends, neighbors, the distance family I have left. I have to be cheery and smiles. NOBODY wants to be around someone that is that's all down and depressed. That is NOT how I really am. I am sad, lost, dazed and confused. In a world that I never knew existed. Its been over 2 years since My Karla died. Nothing has really changed for me. I try and tell myself, that I am like a child that is spoiled. Can't have what he/she wants so they pout, yell or cry. But that's not it. It's go much deeper that that. It's not something that I want. I can't just snap out of it. Church Doctors, pills really haven't helped. I have tried. I will try some more. I realize that I have to live, until I die. The question is. HOW?

That's why I keep coming back here. It's only people like you that have lost their soulmate that understand. I can say what I feel. People that you run into in your daily life DON'T. Believe me, they DON'T want to hear about your grief. If and when, someone is able to climb out of one of these black grief holes. I am very glad for them. I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. So I will continue to read your post. You are obviously a very intelligence person. That speaks your mind. I might not agree with all you say. But it does help me to know that I am not a freak. There are others that are in horrific pain. That what I am feeling. Others feel it too. So I would like to thank you, for taking your time to post here.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 24, 2015 at 9:05pm

Roger, I understand. I don't want to be around other people, because I am not willing or able to pretend i'm ok. I can spend about an hour with either of my parents before I say something about how much I miss my husband, how much I hate my life and want to die, or the like. So it's hard for me to be with them, because I don't want to say that stuff around them, knowing how it upsets them.  I spend more time with my sister and her husband, but generally we're watching movies or tv series on dvds, so I don't have to talk too much at once.

It's been over 2 years since my husband died as well, and nothing has changed for me either. I know what you mean about trying to tell yourself you're like a child who can't have what s/he wants and so pouts, but it really isn't that. As you said, it's much deeper than that.

I'm glad that at least my posts help you, help some people. I know that my posts are not uplifting, but they are honest. I know that some people, like Val, are able and want to move on with life, and that is good for them, but for me (and apparently you, and some other people) that isn't even in the realm of being an option. My husband died. My life ended. Period.  Anyway, I'm glad if my posts help you realize you're not a freak, and that you are not alone in feeling as you do.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on February 23, 2015 at 4:07pm

Thinking of you today Bluebird. Sending Hugs.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 23, 2015 at 9:06pm

Thanks, Laurie. Hugs to you as well.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on February 24, 2015 at 4:16pm

"But as you said, this is not a choice. I do kind of see two "camps" of people, if you will -- those who can and will "move on" to some extent, and those of us who cannot and will not."

I agree...this is true with child loss as well...who would want to exist in purgatory for the rest of their days...yet it is my reality...

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on February 24, 2015 at 4:43pm

You may find this find video to be relevant to sadness...though the man had lost his son, the emotions are there

 

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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on February 24, 2015 at 5:34pm

I'm feeling good today, In my grief I was able to help a widower who lost his wife to cancer 6 months ago. This was his text..Thanks for the good  therapeutic conversation last night. You have amazing way to put things in perspective and cope with grief. I'm feeling pretty good today because of you. I hope your day is as good as mine.God Bless you Val.

When you help others you help yourself to feel better..Giving and sharing is best way to combat our grief.

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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on February 24, 2015 at 6:21pm

Val I'm pleased for you that you were able to help a fellow griever and that you have chosen the path of light. I know you are only trying to help Bluebird but you can't fix her or make her choose the path of light. You can only show grievers the path or the tools they could use to fix themselves if they choose to do so. Some grievers post links that may provoke thought and help guide others on their journey. For some they don't feel there is any fix as their grief is all encompassing, so they don't see the path and for some they don't want the fix even if it was available as they just don't want to be here without their soulmate or loved one. I know it's hard to sit back knowing people are in pain and just want to die but unfortunately that's life and it's what has happened to them in their life that makes them feel the way they do. They struggle to know how to carry on until it's their turn to go. It's so hard being in pain and living a daily nightmare. All our journeys are unique and we have to respect each others journeys and choices. All we can do is listen if they want to talk so that they know they are not alone. I don't think we should segregate grievers into those who can see the path of light or those who can't. We are all grieving in are own unique way. We need to respect how others grieve whether they feel it is a choice or they feel they have no choice in how they are reacting to their loss. I write poems to express my grief you try to help others but some have ceased to exist through grief and no longer want to help even themselves.Bless you.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 24, 2015 at 10:11pm

Thank you for understanding, MarieSte.  I think Val is well-intentioned, but she isn't helping me or others who feel much as I do.

For me, my grief is all-encompassing, and as you said, even if there were some kind of "fix", I would not want it because I do not want to be here without my soulmate. If there's a god, then god created this situation, and should not blame for ending it or wanting it to end.

Thank you for understanding.

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