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he is just gone now
I'm hoping posting this will be therapeutic because I am just so lost and destroyed. My soulmate, bestfriend, partner in life died Saturday January 31, 2015 in a motorcycle accident.
We met online on a astrological forum and with him being a Scorpio and me a Pisces...it was pretty much love at first read. We met in person and had a long distance relationship for a year before I moved across the US to be with him bringing my two girls. My girls loved him so much...he did everything including loving them like his own.
We spent everyday together as I worked from home except for the occasional ride he would take on the weekend days/sometimes night. He LOVED to ride his motorcycle. We joked she was his mistress. The night he died was a good day...we all spent it together with his mother celebrating my youngest daughter's birthday. We talked about a lot of things and the sometimes moody Scorpio was happy, relaxed and content. We left his mother's and he started waxing his bike at home and said he was going for a ride- he left a 6:30 pm and it toook about an hour and half to get to the backwoods/roads he liked to ride. He messaged me at 9:15 from a watering hole joking about some lady flirting with him. I told him to be safe and I loved him. I didnt know at 10:30 that night he would be laying on the ground twisted up from that bike not hitting a shoulder right.
I went to bed around midnight thinking he would be home soon but I awoke at 2:45am and he still wasnt home. Not long after my doorbell rang and his mother and sister were standing there. I knew right then...I think I screamed and was shaking my head as I struggled to unlock the door for them. I think I was expecting them to say he was hurt but I never imagined she would say "Im so sorry...he died tonight." And she grabbed me and held me so tight.
It's been 11 days since then and a viewing, cremation, and wake has been held. I am still in complete shock and disbelief. I feel like Im constantly waiting for him...waiting for him to come home, waiting to hear his voice, feel his touch, Im waiting to see/feel a sign from him or dream of him. Every waking minute he is on my mind. I love him so much. I have tried to comfort myself by telling myself he died doing what he loved and died happy from spending time with us all. Ive tried telling myself he was at peace now ( he had chronic pain in regards to a neck injury) and no longer suffering and I was being selfish by crying and carrying on for him. My family has flew in and his family despite their grief has rallied behind me...I am ever so grateful, but nothing has even managed to quiet the agonizing hell my life is without him.
My bereavement ends tomorrow for my job and I dont know what Im going to do. I have basically been sleepwalking through life since that night and breaking down every few hours- how am I supposed to deal with patients?? Im trying to think it will distract me but I know Im kidding myself.
My sister left today and my father leaves tomorrow. My mother will stay indefinetly but how can I just "carry on" now?
His mother had said she would divide his ashes between her, his sister, his brother, his father and myself but told me yesterday she changed her mind and couldnt have him split up and would be keeping sll of him. I am devastated...Im sitting here looking at the Urn I purchased for him in our home. Im hoping in time she will change her mind...everyone is just in so much pain.
I cant believe he's just gone...just like that. Someone who I love more than life and who adored me and would do anything for me is just gone. I feel like I am just waiting to die now so I can be with him again. I wont say it aloud because of my girls but I just want to be with him again. I just dont know how I can cope with this. Im am so sad.
We met online on a astrological forum and with him being a Scorpio and me a Pisces...it was pretty much love at first read. We met in person and had a long distance relationship for a year before I moved across the US to be with him bringing my two girls. My girls loved him so much...he did everything including loving them like his own.
We spent everyday together as I worked from home except for the occasional ride he would take on the weekend days/sometimes night. He LOVED to ride his motorcycle. We joked she was his mistress. The night he died was a good day...we all spent it together with his mother celebrating my youngest daughter's birthday. We talked about a lot of things and the sometimes moody Scorpio was happy, relaxed and content. We left his mother's and he started waxing his bike at home and said he was going for a ride- he left a 6:30 pm and it toook about an hour and half to get to the backwoods/roads he liked to ride. He messaged me at 9:15 from a watering hole joking about some lady flirting with him. I told him to be safe and I loved him. I didnt know at 10:30 that night he would be laying on the ground twisted up from that bike not hitting a shoulder right.
I went to bed around midnight thinking he would be home soon but I awoke at 2:45am and he still wasnt home. Not long after my doorbell rang and his mother and sister were standing there. I knew right then...I think I screamed and was shaking my head as I struggled to unlock the door for them. I think I was expecting them to say he was hurt but I never imagined she would say "Im so sorry...he died tonight." And she grabbed me and held me so tight.
It's been 11 days since then and a viewing, cremation, and wake has been held. I am still in complete shock and disbelief. I feel like Im constantly waiting for him...waiting for him to come home, waiting to hear his voice, feel his touch, Im waiting to see/feel a sign from him or dream of him. Every waking minute he is on my mind. I love him so much. I have tried to comfort myself by telling myself he died doing what he loved and died happy from spending time with us all. Ive tried telling myself he was at peace now ( he had chronic pain in regards to a neck injury) and no longer suffering and I was being selfish by crying and carrying on for him. My family has flew in and his family despite their grief has rallied behind me...I am ever so grateful, but nothing has even managed to quiet the agonizing hell my life is without him.
My bereavement ends tomorrow for my job and I dont know what Im going to do. I have basically been sleepwalking through life since that night and breaking down every few hours- how am I supposed to deal with patients?? Im trying to think it will distract me but I know Im kidding myself.
My sister left today and my father leaves tomorrow. My mother will stay indefinetly but how can I just "carry on" now?
His mother had said she would divide his ashes between her, his sister, his brother, his father and myself but told me yesterday she changed her mind and couldnt have him split up and would be keeping sll of him. I am devastated...Im sitting here looking at the Urn I purchased for him in our home. Im hoping in time she will change her mind...everyone is just in so much pain.
I cant believe he's just gone...just like that. Someone who I love more than life and who adored me and would do anything for me is just gone. I feel like I am just waiting to die now so I can be with him again. I wont say it aloud because of my girls but I just want to be with him again. I just dont know how I can cope with this. Im am so sad.
Views: 572
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JOHNNIESE "JAI" on
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My heart really really hurts for you. Its one thing to lose a loved one but in this way just breaks my heart. I Just lost my dad on January 3 (my best friend, my hero) we chatted and walked when I was in Tampa literally everyday. I got married (no kids yet) and in October 12, 2013 and he could not find a job in Tampa so I finally agreed to move back to Atlanta the end of July last year. I cried so much about having leave my Dad. He started going down soon as I left and I didn't find out he was ill again til October of last year. I cry literally everyday still, I miss him soooo much.
I also purchased a urn necklace for my dads ashes and at his last veterans memorial there was a incident where right before the ceremony my brother/step mom couldn't get the urn open and we were advised it should have been done prior and they didnt have the tools to open it so we were not going to be able to get any of my Dads ashes. of course I/my sisters were all devastated because like you we were looking for to have those ashes so we can have a piece/part of him. the ashes meant/mean a lot. I can definitely understand and relate how you are feeling about his mother now changing her mind. I am really going to pray she changes her mind especially since she had already told you she would distribute his ashes amongst everyone/you.
Hey I want you to know its only been a little over a month and to be honest the pain and the hurt is the same. I feel just as lost and empty as I did the day he passed but guess what that's expected. I believe and I encourage you the same that one day you will get to a place where you are able to cope and accept his/our loved ones passing better. No the pain and hurt doesn't go away or get any easier for that matter but mentally you/we will get to a point where we are able to manage better.
Do know its ok to cry, talk about it as much as you can. Don't feel guilty about crying or grieving or let anyone make you feel guilty about it either. I was back and forth between tampa fla and Atlanta for about 2 1/2 months before my Dad finally passed and after he passed I was out of work for only took weeks. Now I could have taken more time but i realized taking off more time would mentally make me worse because I would just be sitting around crying all day long. So I decided to go on back to work, the first day was overwhelming and I almost left but i decided to stay. I think going back to work was a good decision because it kept/keeps me busy and begin start taking my mind off Dad as much. Yes I have some bad days but again work keeps me busy.
Also I started seeing a therapist soon as I got back to atlanta because I knew I was going to need as much help as possible to get through this and/or get to a better place where I can cope and accept my Dads passing better. So I encourage you to consider seeing a therapist, I really feel like from hearing your story it may help some. So along with God, my supportive loved ones (im glad you have such a loving family who has been there for you and always will because some people don't even have that. So we are both blessed) and my therapist Im managing. I encourage you to just take it day by day and moment by moment. There is no time on when you will be able look up and say I am at a better place or you don't cry as much etc. I just want you to know I feel your pain and I know I don't know you but Know that there is someone here for you. You can talk to me whenever, we are all hurting. I am sending you a virtual hug and kiss from cold Atlanta, Ga.
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Permalink Reply by BGpisces on
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Thank you so much Johnniese "Jai" for your response. This is such a painful ordeal. I have never experienced personal loss like this before.. infact I had prepared myself to get a call about 90 year old grandparents...not my fiance who was in his 40's. Im just shattered.
Sending hugs, thoughts and prayers to you as well. I hope you feel some relief and have some healing.
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I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I thank you as well. Just take it day by day OK.
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Permalink Reply by Gabrielle on
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Hi BGpisces and Jai, I was wondering how you're both doing? I came across your brief discussion in this forum because I have just recently joined. 3 weeks ago my most beloved person in the whole world- my little sister- died from a carbon monoxide leak in her flat. I think I'm still reeling from shock/denial/horror/despair. She was only 22. I realise it's only early days for me but I really don't know how people get through grief; surely if you never stop loving someone then you never stop grieving? Everything seems completely pointless. I really resonated with what you said Jai about going back to work after 2 weeks and it being a distraction; it's having that effect on me too but I think about her every single second and I feel like I'm trapped in this bubble where I can see my old life and want to be a part of it; but I can't because of this terrible thing that's happened. I can't ever imagine waking up happy or being truly content ever again. She was my everything. Love to you both x
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