I lost my 33 year old beloved son just about 2 months ago. The first time I knew he was an alcoholic was on a Monday and he passed away the following Sunday. I saw a few tell tale signs now that I know but had no idea he drank everyday and I didn't know he even liked hard liquor. We had a great relationship even though we didn't see each other all the time we talked or texted at least a few times a week. He had definitely separated himself from the "outside world" as now I see that I never knew why he turned down invitations to go places, etc. he had a great job and just got a promotion. He was smart, funny and had tons of friends that he had started distancing himself from. One of the last times I saw him his belly was extremely bloated and when I mentioned it he just said he had gained weight. I had seen his eyes become a bit yellow and mentioned it to him and his wife of 10 years. He just blew it off and that was kind of it. When I saw him in the ER his body was swollen, he was yellow and I was just so shocked. I don't understand. His wife I guess didn't know he was that bad??? But then I heard her say how much he drank, She said they fought for the last couple of years over his drinking. I asked why she did not ask for help. She said he begged her not to call us and that he would do better. Obviously not. I just don't understand how someone can live with an end stage alcoholic and not know. She mentioned him having diarrhea and she had to clean him up. Why and how could she be so blind? I am barely functioning I am glad I have a younger son that keeps me going because my kids are my everything. I come from a long line of functionone alcoholics and had reminded it of him just so he would know. I only drank in college and haven't hardly drank in the last almost 30 years except very rarely. At 33 years to have hurt himself so bad he had to have been drinking for a very long time...and I never knew except that he had a couple of beers on special holidays and when he was watching sports...never would I have dreamed he drank everyday...his wife mentions things like he had a glass by the bed and in the morning it was empty...how could you not see it when you are with it everyday??? I miss him more than I can handle at times, the hurt, the physical pain, the feeling of failure because a mom is supposed to be able to fix everything...

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Jill, I am keeping you close to my heart. I was just thinking today that i can't remember the months of "anniversaries" it has been. Thinking about it makes me sick. My Aaron was so sweet and had every desire in the world to live. I wish I had some answers . I am looking for someone to help me through this...some sort of counseling, but I don't know that I have the strength even now to relive .
I feel like I relive it everyday and I try to change channel before I go off the deep end,the picture of him laying in that hospital as he took his last breaths constantly plays over and over.
Eventually the movie stops playing as time goes by. With help from grief counseling and one on one therapy I have learned to take time during the day to talk to my son and when I go to bed the movie in my head isn't the last time I saw him in the hospital before he passed and the icu team was working on him. It does get a little better but it takes time. Don't be afraid to cry the tears help.

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