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Will this ever stop hurting?
Today was ridiculously hard. Two years ago today the surgeon came out of the operating room to inform me that he had found a tumor on my husbands appendix that had metastasized into his abdomen and that he was stage four cancer and had maybe 9 months left to live. He left me crying desperately on the floor. My husband lasted 26 days.
I have cried so hard the first part of today I have nothing left. I am exhausted and forever alone when my only reason for living was to share life and love with him. Nothing else while trying to reconstruct my life since then gives me any joy. Life is so hollow without his energy. All I want is to be with him again.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Malissa on
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I'm sorry for your loss.
I know what it's like to sit in a waiting praying the surgeon comes out with good news.
I will be honest I'm grieving and don't know how to piece myself together mush less anyone else.
I will tell you a fact after feeling broken, lost and sad for every second of a year to realize.
"You lost your husband's physical body you didn't loose his love, his love is with you for the rest of your life!"
It helped me when I realized that, I hope you start to heal and cherish that love you will carry with you!
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Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on
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Saying sorry sounds trite when you are hurting so much, but still I want you to know that I am so sorry to hear about your pain. How terrible it must have been for you and your husband to receive the devastating news during the holiday season. And he only lasted 26 days after getting the diagnosis. How very sad.
I can relate to your sense utter loss and your wanting to be with your husband. I lost my beloved husband to lung cancer on 4th August this year. He was diagnosed at stage four and was given 2 years to live, but he lasted only nine months. The day we got the diagnosis, my husband and I felt so helpless. We tried to comfort each other; we were both trembling from the shock of getting the "death sentence," as we referred to the diagnosis. We just held each other in disbelief and devastation.
My husband was the love of my life, like yours was for you. Now that he is gone, I have no reason to go on living. We have no children; I have four siblings who are close to me and I know they would be stricken if I were to die today. I wish and pray for death everyday, but I can't take my own life. It's such a horrible situation: my life not worth much without the love of my life, yet I go on living. So again I understand how much you want to be with your husband and how hollow your life feels. All I can say to you is that I am truly sorry for your loss and I completely understand your sense of devastation and loneliness. I hope that over time your pain will ease some and you will find peace and will be able to go without feeling this intense pain.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I understand, as well as any other person can. My husband died of a sudden heart attack, one week after our wedding (we had been together for nearly 13 years). I have loving parents, a loving sister, a loving brother-in-law; they love me, and I love them. And that isn't enough to make me want to live, or to make life worth living. That isn't their fault, it's just how it is -- my soulmate isn't here, and so neither am I. My body just needs to cease.
I'm sorry your husband died. I believe that one's soulmate dying is the worst possible pain; maybe one's child dying is equal to it. Any other family member dying is horrible too, but when your soulmate dies your future dies as well, or at least that's how it is for me. As you said, "I am exhausted and forever alone when my only reason for living was to share life and love with him". For me, the love of my family was and is important too, but it's not enough to make me want to live. The life we wanted and should have had together, me and my husband, will never happen now, and I do not want and refuse to accept any other life. All I want is to be with my husband again, as soon as possible and forever (and, eventually, with my other loved ones as well), and I don't even have any assurance of that, because I don't know if there's an afterlife. But I hope there is, and I hope we each can be with our beloveds again soon.
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Permalink Reply by Robin on
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I'm sorry for your loss. Words that are not at all adequate for the circumstance. I lost my husband only a few short weeks ago. The pain and sorrow are more than anyone can imagine. Unless like many of you here, have experienced it personally. People say, be strong. How am I suppose to be strong? Everything that I lived for, looked forward to, loved so deeply, is gone. He was my strength and motivation to live this life. He gave me purpose. He inspired me in ways nothing on this earth can now do. I am lost and alone. Trying to figure out how to breathe let alone "go on". I come here and it does help to know I am not alone in my feelings. Wanting so desperately for him to come get me and take me with him. Longing to receive a sign, a sign that he is safe, happy, and at peace. I have been grabbing at any little thing trying to hope it's a sign. I have yet to believe 100% that any of them are true signs. I try so hard to believe I will be with my beautiful Joe again. I'm just so confused, heartbroken, and sad. The truth is I don't know anything and I won't find out until I die myself. Which, I am no longer scared of and welcome my time to come. I hope with all my heart we all find some comfort and peace along this road we did not choose to take. At least enough to get through today.
Robin
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Permalink Reply by morgan on
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I wish I could really "believe" that my husbands' love is with me. In my better moments I know my brain is trying to convince me of that. My brain is protecting me from constant sorrow. But I can't find one piece from the shattering of my old life. It's just gone. It's like mirror glass that imploded into tiny tiny fragments. No pieces large enough to glue together. So now I am forced to reconstruct a new mirror and I don't want to. I am forced by nature to still get up every day and face just that fact. I am just about to turn 63 the same age my husband was and I have no desire or purpose to look in another mirror. You see, my beloved was my mirror. I was the person I wanted to be reflected through the love in his eyes. Adversity was no match for our love. It was his love not life that made this daily meet up with nature worthwhile. 24/7 I was dependent on his love to see life as worthwhile. His love made my life worthwhile. There I've said it. So was I was dependent on having him love me in order to live life? If I don't want to live life now and find no purpose, maybe so.
But so what? What does that mean for me? It still means having to see life without a mirror. It means getting up and finding impetus to live life blind. Why? That's the million dollar question I am unable to answer.
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Hi
I realize this is an older post, but I know too well how you feel. My husband has been gone just 3 months. We were together 37 years. I met him when I was 19 and have lived every day since just to know that he loved me. And he did, I have no doubt of that. We have two wonderful kids that I love more than life, but I always said that my husband was the most important person in my life because if we were okay, our kids would be okay. We worked together, loved together, I just don't know how to be me without him. One person said at his funeral that it was never just Jim or Sara, it was always Jim and Sara. We were a team. I was just thinking tonite that I was so blessed to be loved by him. He wasn't perfect, no one is, but he gave everything he had for me and our kids. I just miss him.
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I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation too, Sara. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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dont no
im so meset up coz of loss non stop i cnt evn num pain of it
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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I lost my soulmate in July . I don't think the pain will stop as it is a symptom of my love for him and his physical loss. My one Christmas present from my Mum was a stuffed thing that hangs from a ribbon with the word "Live" on it. I don't think she likes the new me. I wish I could cross out the i and put an o. Love is all I care about-the love I've lost. I don't want to live-life to the full if it means living without him. I have a reason to go on living-existing logically so my life is now a waiting game until we are reunited. I will float through life on his memories now and try to help others as I float. I write poems to express my grief as I have no one to talk to about it. No one I know understands as they have not experienced it. Thank goodness for sites like this at least we are not alone although we may feel lost and alone. So to answer your question and your later comment-to continue to live life even though you don't want to and feel blind. I think the answer has to come from you and can be found in your heart. The love you shared is very much alive and will comfort you as time continues to tick by uncontrollably. What you do with that time left is up to you. Bless you.
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MarieSte, I am very sorry for your loss and I can fully relate to your experience. I lost mine to lung cancer in August. Since then my life has fallen apart, like yours. Nobody really understands. My family members are loving, but they really have NO idea whatsoever about my true feelings. I stopped sharing my true feelings with them since I can tell they are getting impatient with me for not "moving on." Unless someone has lost a spouse whom they adored, they have no idea what pain a bereaved spouse feels. Life no longer holds any meaning for people like us. Like you put it so aptly, it's a waiting game--waiting for our time to be reunited with our beloved spouse. If only we could speed up the wait, but alas, it's not in our hands.
I wish you peace and hope that over time you can come to a place in life where life is bearable. I still have to arrive at that place...
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Trina Mamoon thank you for your kind words. I find peace in writing poems as they help me to express my grief and reconnect with the love I feel for my soulmate. They are all on my page if you wish to read them. I too wish you peace & hope that you will find some solace on your journey. Bless you and your angel.
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Permalink Reply by Debra Waszut on
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I lost my husband two and a half years ago. We were soulmates ... So so close ...so close that he even said to me that if something were to happen to him that I should not be alone. Well. It Happened. He had a massive heart attacking at 54. I wanted to die for the first few weeks. Then I gave it to God. I don't know where I got the strength but I gave it to God. He guided seek help from a grief group at a local church. As time went on I found myself not wanting to die every time I woke up in the morning. I believe that God has my beloved husband in heaven. My time will come but until then for my family and for myself I am living again. You have to take the first step. Seek help even if you don't want to. From friends or professionally if will help. Support groups are great because there are people who have been through the same thing. Item the worse than what you are doing right now I promise. God has to be your guide in this and you have to trust that he knows what he is doing. I do... It's the only way I have come through this.
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