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No idea-lost my 33 year old son to alcoholism
I lost my 33 year old beloved son just about 2 months ago. The first time I knew he was an alcoholic was on a Monday and he passed away the following Sunday. I saw a few tell tale signs now that I know but had no idea he drank everyday and I didn't know he even liked hard liquor. We had a great relationship even though we didn't see each other all the time we talked or texted at least a few times a week. He had definitely separated himself from the "outside world" as now I see that I never knew why he turned down invitations to go places, etc. he had a great job and just got a promotion. He was smart, funny and had tons of friends that he had started distancing himself from. One of the last times I saw him his belly was extremely bloated and when I mentioned it he just said he had gained weight. I had seen his eyes become a bit yellow and mentioned it to him and his wife of 10 years. He just blew it off and that was kind of it. When I saw him in the ER his body was swollen, he was yellow and I was just so shocked. I don't understand. His wife I guess didn't know he was that bad??? But then I heard her say how much he drank, She said they fought for the last couple of years over his drinking. I asked why she did not ask for help. She said he begged her not to call us and that he would do better. Obviously not. I just don't understand how someone can live with an end stage alcoholic and not know. She mentioned him having diarrhea and she had to clean him up. Why and how could she be so blind? I am barely functioning I am glad I have a younger son that keeps me going because my kids are my everything. I come from a long line of functionone alcoholics and had reminded it of him just so he would know. I only drank in college and haven't hardly drank in the last almost 30 years except very rarely. At 33 years to have hurt himself so bad he had to have been drinking for a very long time...and I never knew except that he had a couple of beers on special holidays and when he was watching sports...never would I have dreamed he drank everyday...his wife mentions things like he had a glass by the bed and in the morning it was empty...how could you not see it when you are with it everyday??? I miss him more than I can handle at times, the hurt, the physical pain, the feeling of failure because a mom is supposed to be able to fix everything...
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by jill Gershon on
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Jill, I am a Jill also. I lost my 34 year old son Nov 22, 2013. It wasn't due to alcoholism, but he overdosed on things to help him sleep -- he had PTSD and anxiety and that led to horrible insomnia. He died sleeping right next to me. Can you imagine? Even I couldn't help him -- didn't know what he had taken. I can't say that I'm doing so great even after a year and I have that feeling of failure -- why couldn't I fix it? Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Honestly, I don't know what to say because there's just no sense in all this and no good answers for these tragedies. I am so sorry!!! for your loss.
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Permalink Reply by Jill E on
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Thank you Jill. :* I am just so happy I have found this safe place where I can share, grieve and "listen"
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It's a good site, Jill. I have been looking for grief groups around where I live, but just can't find any that are not religiously affiliated. I don't want someone telling me that it was god's will or that Aaron is in a better place. That's bull$hit. So, not having found anything as of yet, I am stuck. It's a process. I am somewhat "better" as far as not being constantly sick to my stomach, but I'm not going to tell you it happens fast nor do I think anyone else will. I am sure, like with anything, that you have to go through everything to come to a point where you make the best of what life has dealt you. Do know this -- you couldn't have controlled it. If this addiction thing was so easy, then it would be easy to quit. As mothers, we think we can fix everything, but we can't. Keep me posted on how you're doing. jgershon@live.com
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Permalink Reply by joanne on
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Jill you have told the story of how my son at 29 passes away oct 5, 2013. It has been so hard for me and I didn't think there was another person with my story. I would love to share our stories and our boys
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I know what a stupid question to ask but "How is you day going today?"
I only ask because some days are so horrible and others are semi-bearable.
I hope someday to have more semi-bearable days than the ones I call the "bed days" -
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I am so lost and so hurt. I still don't know why his wife did not see the physical or behavioral changes. The doctors said that if he had come in 8 months ago things would have different. I feel like the doctors did not care or even did not try as hard as they should because he did it to himself. I feel some sirt of relief here as I have found this place. Joanne I hate to ask but did you loose your son to alcohol? It seems so very unfair...that sounds like such a stupid question. I miss him with my whole being. The mental grieving, the broken heart, the emptiness, the literal physical pain, etc. it just seems unbearable. Two months ago he was here. I had no idea. I know now some of his responses to invitations to do things or go places were now turned down for "his reason" instead of me just being pissed and not understand why he wouldn't go somewhere with us or join in. Did he seriously think he was ok? That his Drinking was not too bad?
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Jill, my daughter has drug issues, but it started with an eating disorder, which started at 10 years old. Hers was a control issue, not an obsession with weight. Long story, but looking back, I should have noticed stuff. But when it comes on gradually, you just don't realize it until it's hitting you in the face. Don't blame your daughter-in-law. I'm sure she feels horrible. You feel horrible for not knowing. Our loved ones hide it well. They are in enough misery and don't want to burden anyone else. You are right in that it hurts -- it hurts so much that it's a horrible ache that won't go away. As far as the doctors saving him, if he doesn't go to them or give up what he's doing, then they can't do much either. If this was so easy to kick -- any addiction -- then no one would be an addict. Addicts do no enjoy their lives and would give it up if it was that easy. I don't know what to say other than you just have to go through this process. It's a horrible one.
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Yes he did. Your story is so similar to mine his wife threw him out and we got together as a family but she didn't let us know how bad his drinking was. But he had symptoms like gaining weight then he started losing weight and everyone thought he was doing good had no idea that he was drinking so much. Had a great job and everyone loved him. He was the life of the party and when he went out he only had a few beers didn't know that vodka was his friend. He missed slot of events with the family because of work.so he said. He was a golf pro at a private club and no one knew what was going on with him. For awhile we thought he had a gambling problem cause he was taking money from wife. Then he stole a few things from his brother but we didn't realize it was alcohol. Wife didn't tell us too much. She drank all the time.
Wish we intervened sooner . He woke up one morning with yellowing of the eyes and went to a walk in and they sent him to hospital. From there they got him to a specialty hospital in Worcester, ms and tried everything they could to save him but it was too late. They finally operated on him and his colon was rotted and they had to remove it and his liver was shot. Would of needed a liver transplant. His blood wouldn't clot and after surgery he started bleeding and they couldn't do anything else for him so they stopped working on him. It was a week of hell and I really thought they were going to by some miracle save him. I would love to talk to you our stories are so similar. -
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Joanne- I love you. I had hoped that somewhere I would find someone that totally got it. Someone with such a similar situation. I have not ever, ever been in such pain as I am and as I know you are experiencing. Tonight coming home from the grocery store I just lost it, thank goodness I was just a block from home. Nothing spurs on these sobbing attacks they just happen. I don't even turn the radio in the car on for fear I will hear a song that reminds me of him. I drive by his High School, see a car like the brand new one he had just bought. I think about his 3 dogs that he had rescued and how much he loved them and there go the tears. I am "faking" a good relationship with my daughter-in-law. He loved her so much and was always worried about loosing her. Kind of ironic. I cannot forgive her yet. I cannot understand. If I was in her place I could not have watched my loved one go through this and from all indications she knew he was drinking vodka regularly. Of course I was not there so I don't know anything for sure but just the physical changes alone...I just don't understand. Thank you so much for finding me. I searched for a group where I could find other parents that had experienced the same kind of situation, but none I read about did not seem to fit my need. Al-anon right now did not even seem right. BUT I needed somewhere, somewhere I could get it out to "hear" others stories so that I could understand that others had experienced the same loss. I felt like I am the only one in the whole world that had ever experienced this traumatic situation. It is hard to even fathom it has happened to someone else. Here I can read "listen" and I feel that I have found exactly what I need. We are bound by the same type of grief wait a minute maybe not exactly the same type because everyone grieves differently. But we are bound by loosing one of our most precious things in our life. I will be here for you for anything I can do.
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Are you on Facebook? Maybe you could friend me and I could message you my cell and we could talk. I'm really happy I found someone who went through the same siuariin as myself
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