Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kay on January 31, 2015 at 6:57am

Alcoholism is a horrible disease and because it is so stigmatized, it's hard to treat.  I know because I lost a sister to the disease in 2003.  I have friends who struggle with it every day.  We also were a family that didn't know until it was too late.  My sister had perpetual back problems and was also on meds.  Come to find out the back problems were caused by the alcohol, it does significant nerve damage.  When she died I accessed a website called Alcohol Kills.  I read many stories of people who had loved ones in and out of treatment places and didn't make it.  I was horrified because I didn't even know you could die from alcohol.  It's hard because it is socially acceptable.  My sister also hid it from everyone and my brother-in-law was also in denial and only called us to help when it was too late.  These types of diseases are like many others.  You watch someone with high blood pressure do what they shouldn't and smoke when they shouldn't.  The problem is is that people never know and they operate on that assumption because some people do make it through.  My Dad drank all of his life and, I don't know how, never had any physical effects from it.  He was 82 and his only ailment was arthritis in his knee.   However, when you are living with it it is so stressful that one more added thing like confronting the problem is more than you can take energy wise.   It's very scary.  I think it is harder for a spouse than a parent.  As a parent you are used to rising above behaviors and being the guiding light in a child's life, but not so as a spouse.  I remember being that way with my sister.  Her last fall we went to my nephew's football game and she said she didn't feel good and had to go home, so I took her.  I couldn't believe it when I got her home she just wanted a drink.  That Thanksgiving we had dinner at her house and my brother in law had fixed dinner and took the kids to his parents.  She had been sitting in the family room while he was making dinner.  To our horror, she came up and ate with us totally inebriated.  We didn't say a thing.  We all spent the night, and I guess my Dad knew and had maybe given up and kept telling my sister and I that at least we were healthy.  The next morning we got up and had breakfast, all of us quiet, because we didn't know what was going on.  She ran past us got in the car and left, nobody knew where she had gone.  She had checked herself into a program.  She tried three times.  My brother in law had had enough and left her and took the kids.  She checked herself into a hotel and kept drinking, all the while hiding it from us.  When we would go see her she would hide it.  None of us knew what was going on.  We wanted to contact her doctor, but because of patient confidentiality we didn't think we could get anywhere.  One day when I was talking to her, she said she was sick and I urged her to go to the doctor.  She said she had called and he wouldn't see her.  I even offered to call, she said no.   She finally called her son and he took her and she was swollen, yellow, etc. and she didn't make it either.  Her doc was very judgmental.  She had gotten many other diseases from this like diabetes, etc.  None of us knew because she would only drink at night after she put the kids to bed.  Then my brother in law would get the kids off to school and she would be up when they got home from school.  My point is is that my brother in law confronted the doc at the hospital questioning him as to all the meds he had her on, telling him that's what caused the damage and of course the doc denied it.  So, he wouldn't approve her for a liver transplant.  I wish now that we had had an objective professional guiding us through.  My firm believe is that when it's a loved one, you are so in shock that you are not operating fully.  But,, as my brother told me, hindsight is 20/20 and if we had it we would all be perfect.  Also, the person who is drinking has many defenses, like "I'm and adult, don't tell me what to do" and you can't force me to stop, mind your own business, etc.  My Dad tried to get her committed and they took her to the hospital and since she wouldn't stay, they wouldn't keep her.  My other issue with this is the saying that people have to want to stop, etc.  I am sure you know the drill, but if someone is inebriated enough so that they loose their judgment, how do you expect them to make the judgment to stop drinking.  After the first drink their judgment is impaired.

Permalink Reply by Sandy Hendrix on January 31, 2015 at 10:11am

Hi Jill, I'm so very sorry about your son.  It's too bad nobody knew how serious it all was. I lost my 18 year old son 3 months ago to a heroin overdose.  It's a very awful place for a mother to be.  The days are really hard to get through.  We can't understand why our babies would do this to themselves, the why question is very hard for me these days.  Sending you hugs and strength to make it through these days. x0

Permalink Reply by Connie K on January 31, 2015 at 11:34am

Dear Jill

 I am so sorry you lost your son. Alcoholism is a sneaky, insidious disease. I lost my Dad to it. People are ashamed to tell or admit. But THEY have to want to stop. They think they can handle it. Your daughter in law could have talked to someone but I'm sure she didn't expect a 33 year old to get so sick. Some people are more susceptible to the side effects. Some people don't produce the enzyme that metabolizes it. The loss is heart breaking. I hope you can find forgiveness for your daughter in law as I'm sure you are both in tremendous pain. Forgive her not for her sake but for yours as I know how that anger can make the grief so much worse. I lost my only child 2 years ago in a car accident. He was 17. I have had to deal with the anger towards the driver of the car who caused the accident. I understand the devastation you feel. And I am sending you love and prayers that you may find strength to work through it all. You are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Jill E on January 31, 2015 at 12:25pm

Thank you for your comments. You all had things I needed to hear. I am inconsolable at times and incoherent. At times reasonable and understanding. At all times loving. I know how much my son loved his wife without a doubt so I inturn love her. I will never understand. Though he was very hard headed, refused to go to the doctor and could talk anybody into anything. I still will never understand. I am not ready
To go to a support group but see a psychiatrist and have a therapist. My therapist and I thought I would cry through the whole meeting and take everyone's grief on myself including my own, I would be a mess. But reading your stories helps me a lot. I can retread them as many times as I need to. It sounds kind of cold hearted but I can learn from them and see things a bit more objective. I can share your tears, feel your pain but I can do it without seeing the pain in your face and the deep sorrow in your voice. Reading and writing are much easier for me now. I go to the movies with my husband, the store, get my hair done but have turned down the lunch and dinners with friends. I can't stand the questions... "How are you?" "What is new?" "Is there anything I can do for you?" The only thing anyone can do for me is something no one can do for me. I love and appreciate your words, your kindness and understanding... I will be here reading your comments, your experiences, your insight and your love. I will post if you want to read if not I truly understand how hard it is to relive the worst time of you life...love to all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Permalink Reply by dawn larvan on January 31, 2015 at 5:43pm

Dear Jill I've been on here for 8 months since my beautiful fit 50 yr husband died of a sudden heart attack in front of me and I'm afraid to say I have turned to drink to blot out the image I saw and the pain I know it's wrong but all I can say is youre son would never have wanted to hurt the ones he loved we all have reasons for everything we do in life and the only thing that stops me from doing something silly is because I see my 85 yr old mothers face but I cant stop drinking so god help me sending you love,dawn x

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on February 1, 2015 at 3:05pm

i no iv did wt u did dawn drink 2 dull pain iv mixt pain killers/booze 2 dull pain but still cnt dull pain of multi loss i no its hard 2 bloody i h a t e wt death haz dun 2 us im not person i wz in 2011 but 2012 im not me 

iv cut dwn a bit 

Permalink Reply by Jill E on February 1, 2015 at 2:37pm

Thank you for your words. I am the child of functioning alcoholics and poured many bottles of alcohol down the sink in my teenage years. Alcoholism did not kill my parents-well at least not the visual sense. My father died from a stroke and my mother from Alzheimer's. I believe that alcohol was a contributing factor in both. In the last 4 years I had my house burn down due to a cooking accident from my husband, my husband suffered a stroke at 56 and now I have lost my son to alcohol. Alcohol can hurt you in so many ways. And hurts others whether it is family members or someone that may get hurt or killed by an alcoholic's action. Alcohol can take your mind and completely control it or it can make you lose it. For anyone out there that is drinking please stop. If you know yourself you have a problem please get help. Ask for help. Look for help. I do not know if my smart, wonderful son had any idea it had gotten that bad...heck I didn't even know and supposedly my daughter-in-law either. If I had known I could have at least had a chance to try to help. He may not have taken my help, etc. he may have died anyway but at least I would have had a chance to try. At least I would not have been blindsided. If you know you have a problem or even think you do please look into yourself and protect those that love you, think about yourself and the horrible things alcohol can do to you. Please help yourself by asking for help. Do not let pride and stubbornness get in your way. With my love to all, Jill

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on February 1, 2015 at 3:09pm

im so sorry for yore loss jill

its so not fair thy wud warngs on a pack of smokes th did in 1980s but did not put it on booze till now 

im so sorry

Permalink Reply by Jill E on February 1, 2015 at 3:23pm

Thank you so much. Just keep me and my family in your thoughts.