Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Becker on December 27, 2014 at 12:34pm

I know how you are feeling. My dad had lung and throat cancer. The doctors had just told us there was nothing more to do but wait for the inevitable. My dad was still living on his own, though he did need assistance with many things. My mom had passed from cancer one year earlier. On Christmas morning, when I visited him, he was tired and had a cold. Nothing unusual thanks to all the chemo. We left after 3 hours because he was falling asleep sitting up. I was going to visit him that evening again. I couldn't handle the thought of him alone on Christmas. But I talked to my sister that evening, and when she called him to check on him, he was going to bed. So I didn't go back. I called the next morning, and everything had gone down hill over night. I ended up rushing him to the dr's and then the ER. We spent all day there. He finally got a bed that night. One week later, on New Years Eve, he passed away. I had the same thoughts as you. If only I had gone back over, I could have gotten him to the ER sooner, and maybe they could've saved him. Or, did being in the hospital make it worse. He did decline very quickly there. He went from possible flu to pneumonia, and blood infections and kidney failure. I think we have to realize that no matter what we did or didn't do, our beloved parents were going to pass regardless. It was their time. It was in Gods hands (or whoever or whatever you believe in). Its something that is hard to grasp and I still struggle. Just know you aren't alone.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer L Gebhardt on December 27, 2014 at 1:44pm

I appreciate that. She went in for water retention to needing a blood transfusion to severe bloating and severe pain. Everyone tells me she would have declined at home or at the hospital. God had a plan and her staying here wasn't apart of the plan. I hate saying this, but I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. Nobody in my family understands my guilt. I'm sorry for you and your loss. We will never know answers to the What If Questions.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on December 27, 2014 at 4:47pm

I am very sorry for the loss of your parents, and they passed so soon one after another. Please don't torment yourself over whether you could have done things differently and/or saved him. I lost my beloved husband to lung cancer this past August. We were married for 14 years (our 15th anniversary was this 21st December); he was 49 years old. Many times I have wondered whether he passed faster because of the chemotherapy. His cancer recurred after he completed the four-month-long chemotherapy. We will never know. This thought used to torment me and I also blame our family doctor who didn't screen him for lung cancer (my husband was a long-term smoker) when he went to see him twice for pneumonia in three weeks. I also blame the oncologist who was absent during the four-month-long therapy. Had she been around, she would have known that the tumors had come back. But in my religious belief a person's death comes at a preordained time. My husband was meant to pass at age 49, and therefore the two doctors were negligent and couldn't stall the advance of his cancer. Had he had more life, the course of his cancer would have gone differently. At least that's how I try to accept his death which I think was untimely and could have been prevented. 

I guess what I am trying to say is don't blame yourself. As it is, you have a lot of grief to deal with. That in itself is very draining and exhausting. Some things, like death, are not in our hands, not for us to prevent. It's out of our control. I hope over time you find peace and find solace in the good memories. That's all we can hope for, at least for the foreseeable future. 

Permalink Reply by Lyn Brolan on December 27, 2014 at 2:01pm

The hardest thing is knowing ther is nothing you could have dine my sister passed away two and half yearago of cancer and she lived with me and everything that happens to to everybody with cancer happened to her she had the fluid in the legs and pneumonia every time she seemed to get over one thing another would start sadly that is what happens
Eventually she was told she did not have long to live and not even two weeks later she passed away
The hardest thing for the people left is we question could we have done something different and we have the memories of what they went through but nothing would ever change it is part of the process of there bodies shutting down
I think the biggest thing I learnt is you are not alone I miss my sister like crazy and I talk to her as it helps me I still have good and bad days and I always will but I know she is with my parents in a much better place

Permalink Reply by Jennifer L Gebhardt on December 27, 2014 at 2:08pm

I'm sorry for your loss Lyn. You are right, the body of a person with cancer shuts down in a way that is somewhat natural for a body with cancer. I sit on my mom's bed and talk to her everyday. Thank you for sharing with me both Lyn and Bonnie. I know it's difficult but maybe we can benefit from each others stories. 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 27, 2014 at 3:13pm

i no guilt fealin i do 

i tormnt my slf evry day over it if i got my dad hlp soon wud i hav saved him wud he be still hear evn othrs i et dwn i tromnt me over it 2 do 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 6, 2015 at 3:52pm

guilt non stop if i got my dad hlp sooner wud he hab not died on tht horbl wrd bitchy nasty nurse it did not giv a shit 

if i had not lft wud he of not died if we got a taxi sooner wud we hav not died 

it feals lk im stuck on ths mad car/train/bus air bus crash coz of multi loss dnt no if its juts me or my hed so dizzy coz of death

Permalink Reply by Roger on January 5, 2015 at 9:23am

Jennifer, I also play my Mom's last few months over and over in my head. She had advanced COPD. Had to be on oxygen around the clock. But she was holding her own. Respatory Doctor said her diease wasn't advancing to much. She had many trips the hospital for UTIs Which were always pretty routine. But shortly after one trip. Within a day or two of coming home. She started feeling awful. Had a fever. In the E/R she had what's know as flash pulmonary edema. Coughing spitting up phelm. Looking at me with those trusting eyes saying " what can I do" a short time later. The phelm was so bad that it closed off her breathing. Which time the Doctors rushed in and put her on a ventilator. Told me she had pneumonia. One lung had fliud. They were going to let it clear A few days later. They took the ventilator tube out. Put her on faceask ventilation. She did well for a day or so. Then terrible news. Chest Xay showed the other lung now had fliud in it. Doctors all said it would take extraordinary measures got her to pull out of it now. So Dad and I made the decision for comfortable measure only.
Jennifer, I have replayed this a thousand times in my mind. If I could have gotten her on oral antibiotics at home. She wouldn't had to got to the hospital. Where I belive she caught the pneumonia. Or gotton her to exercise more. Doctors told me that would help keep her from getting UTIs. But you know Jennifer. My mom as well as you mom, was very sick. No matter what we we would have done would have extended there life much longer. We just have to let them go now. I am telling you this as well as myself. I will keep you in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer L Gebhardt on January 5, 2015 at 11:18am

Thank you! I also will keep you in my prayers. As many times as I do go over those final days I knew she was dying but in denial that our time was coming to an end. She gave me life, she was my entire world and now the time was coming to say goodbye. I hope we will both find the peace we deserve. Bless you, your mom and my mom knew we did everything we could.

Permalink Reply by Fran on January 15, 2015 at 7:36pm

No matter what, I think we feel some guilt about our loved ones. "If only", "What if", "I should have", " I shouldn't have". Everyday I run thru those comments. I know we did everything we could to fight my husband's cancer: chemo, radiation, cyber-knife....My guilt lies in how aggressive we were. Maybe if we had skipped a dose of chemo to give his body a chance to rest, he'd still be here. But, he wanted to be able to go deer hunting one more time and so we decided that we'd skip the treatment right before Thanksgiving instead of the one before that. It seems like that last treatment he got is what pushed him over the edge; he ended up on oxygen that just wasn't enough to keep him going. His pneumonia opened up into the entire lung system in addition to the cancer. I feel like I killed him...I saw he was weak, but, he still wanted to try. I should've known better! I'm a nurse. The doctor told me it wasn't my fault...maybe he was feeling a little guilty, too. Logically, I know my husband was going to die...he'd already been thru so much pain, and more was on the way with all the metastasis everywhere, but I still feel at fault.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer L Gebhardt on January 15, 2015 at 9:43pm

You're right, we will always have questions we just have to find that light at the end of the tunnel and have faith that we did do whatever we could. I am just like you, I have my doubts. Everyday I think about my decisions and what I did or didn't do to help my mom. I don't know you and you don't know me but I feel as if you understand what I feel and i understand you. I am sorry for your loss.