Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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My mom passed away on Friday and my heart hurts beyond belief.
So I am online trying to find some comfort/support b/c I am tired of hearing from people who have no clue tell me that "time will heal and soon you won't miss talking to your mom everyday" yet they've never lost a parent or close relative, so how would they know. I know I sound bitter. But my mom was my best friend. She was 55 years old and got lung cancer that spread to her bones out of the blue almost 2 years ago. She never smoked and was very healthy. At the birth of my second child, she kept complaining of a back ache and we all thought she just had arthritis or maybe pulled a muscle...but after several doctor visits and scans...it was confirmed to be stage 4 lung cancer with mestasis to the bone. She was very optimistic at first despite the horrible diagnosis, this was always her nature..bubbly, upbeat and full of faith about everything. She underwent several different types of chemo, but sadly this past August after 18 months of fighting was put under hospice care for pain management. She even kept an upbeat attitude during hospice care in her home and was always telling me not to worry and that everything would be ok...that God would take care of everything. She was a strong Christian and I know she is in heaven now, but it hurts so bad. It doesn't seem real, but I know it is...I held her lifeless body in my arms less than a week ago and the funeral home had to pry her away from me. I wish they didn't have to rush things and take her away so quickly, but my brother said I did hold her for an hour, time just flew by. I keep thinking this is a bad dream and soon someone will wake me up and tell me she's on the phone. This agonizing cancer nightmare has been going on forever and she was in so much pain, I knew it was for the best for her, but I still wasn't ready to lose her. I just wonder when/how I can go back to feeling or being normal. I don't have any motivation to do anything. I just cry and hold onto things that smell like her knowing the smell will soon fade, which makes me cry even more. I went to the cemetary yesterday and just laid in the wet dirt above her and cried. I know God has a plan, but she wasn't ready to go yet, she cried to me telling me how badly she wanted to live and be a grandmother to my children. I needed her longer than this. I am only 32 and she was my best friend in the whole world. I love the Lord with all my heart and I am not mad at him, I just feel the GREAT sadness in my heart and wonder how I go the rest of my life w/out her in it? Sorry for the ramble, but it feels good to just vent and get this out!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on
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Hi Ginnie-
I know what you mean about hibernating. I seem outgoing on this website, but have turned my phone off and stopped answering calls. I just can't stand the "how are you doing question" and then all the comments like time will heal it and soon you won't miss her as much. You are blessed to have had your parents for so long, but it doesn't make the loss any easier...they are our parents and we loved them so much. My mom and I prayed for 20 more years, so she would have been 75, but it wasn't in the cards for us. I have so many wonderful memories though and she lives in my heart forever. I know I will see her again in Heaven :-)
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie Monroe on
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I am familar with how you are feeling. My mom passed away at the end of July and I have yet to even start to recover from that loss. I am an only child who never knew her father, so my mom was everything to me; mother, father, sibling and best friend. She wasnt ready to go and I certainly wasnt ready to let her go, but unfortunately, the cancer had different plans.
I too feel the incredibly, overwhelming sadness and hope to one day figure out what my life will be without her.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and will keep you in my thoughts.
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Permalink Reply by Susan Kay Hatton on
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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my momma on November 11, 2009. I had never been without her. I still cry and grieve. I have had people in my own family tell me to buck up. Mom wouldn't want you to be so sad. I was growing angry and withdrawing from those who should be supporting each other no matter where we were in the grief process. One day I crawled in by my dad and let the dam break. I cried until I couldn't cry any more and he held me close and told me something that I will always keep in my mind and I would like to share it with you. He said, "Honey everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It is ok to feel the feelings. Just remember the Great Comforter is always with us. Don't be ashamed that you are still hurting. Take it one step at a time and realize that we are all individuals. Take it as it comes, but remember you are a beloved daughter of our Father in Heaven. Do what you can and give the rest to the Lord." Maybe it sounds trite, but I hope you can find some comfort in these words. I still miss my mom and I know I always will. For now I am trying reach out to those in need and let my mom's memory live on by paying it forward to others. It seems to help me. Best wishes and hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Susan
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I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. My mom and I are both Christians and she told me the same thing...no matter what we go through...the Lord is always here with us...somtimes in our lives he has to carry us (live now) but he never leaves us or our loved ones. I agree with your Dad, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and your mom wouldn't be upset with you...she knows your heart and how much you love her and we are human so sadness and grief are a given when our loved ones are taken from us. I just finished reading a great book along these lines...its a fiction book that I would highly recommend you read (it almost sounds like your Dad could have written it!) so I know you will love it. It is kinda boring for the first 40 pages, but then it takes off. The man suffers a great tradegy in the book, but it reveals to you the love our Lord has for us and how he is always with us and loves us more than we could ever imagine. Its called "The Shack" by William Young. Read it if you can, it will really help comfort you and then we can discuss :) Nice to connect with you! Hugs and thanks for your words of comfort!!!!! K
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Permalink Reply by Tina B on
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My dad died 6 weeks ago. Despite kind of wanting to, I didn't speak up, so I never got to say goodbye to my dad, even if it was only his lifeless body. I feel sad about this. All I want is to to be woken up by his phone call. Right now, I am in a complete fog that I don't think I will ever recover from. I feel bad about showing emotion to others because I don't want to pull them into this and I'm not ready for therapy.
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Permalink Reply by Amy Zielke on
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People just don't know when they say stuff, do they? I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mom and as you said, your "best friend in the whole world." Take care of you, be gentle with yourself.
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Permalink Reply by Crystal B on
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I am so sorry. I just lost my mom to cancer a little over a week ago. She was also 55. Like your mom, she was so excited to be a grandma. She spoiled the heck out of my daughter for those first 2 years. I just don't understand why such loving, wonderful people are taken so young.
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